by Tony Bartolone

It is Tuesday, 4th day of July of the 17th
year of the 21st century, a day that will live in infamy. Tonight twelve
brave Americans will launch the largest verbal battle in the history of
mankind. Mankind, that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We
will be united in our common bloodlust. Our thirst for verbal violence will be
quenched. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the 4th of July, and
fireworks will scorch the dark night sky while twelve brave soldiers spit fire
from their bellies to burn each other alive. They are fighting for their right
to live, to exist, and in turn our right to live and exist and love and be
free. Russia, China, North Korea, the Middle East, the Philippines… tonight we
will unite all nations, and we will bow at the alter of comedy. The 4th of
July will no longer be known as an American holiday. For it is the day the world declared in one voice, will we not roast quietly into
the night, we will not vanish without a fight. We’re going to live on. We’re
going to survive. Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

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Let’s check out the judges. You can reasonably expect that the Roastmaster General
will be in the building for this momentous extravaganza. Joining him, you know
her from Comedy Central’s @midnight,
MTV’s Girl Code and she’s a regular
at Roastmasters in New York, the
Scarlett Johannson of comedy, Annie Lederman. And last but certainly not least, a
Roast Battle favorite judging for the first time, Pat Barker. Pat is one of the
meanest writers to take the stage in the Belly Room, and it will be a great
privilege to see him sling insults from a position of authority. Let’s Roast!

First up, Road Dogg Andy Gold sets his sights on the Bad Ass
Marty Archibald. 

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These old age outlaws look like they went to Junior High together in some small
redneck town, before leving home for Flappers University. I can vouch for Andy
Gold being a legitimately funny comic, and Marty Archibald seems to walk the
walk pretty well. Tonight we’ll see if he can talk the talk against a man who
can easily be his big brother. It’s always intriguing to see how comedians’
styles lend themselves to brutal competition. They’re both Roast Battle
virgins, so we’ll see bloody they get popping their cherries tonight. I don’t
know what else to say about these obviously boring white dudes.

In our second undercard, Timothy “Horror Story” McGorry seeks
to crypt keep Kyle “Michelle” Monaghan.

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These guys look like they met at pledge week and then just
smoked weed and dropped out of college. Kyle is trying so hard to look like an
LA beach bum that he is for sure not from Los Angeles. Tim is kinda funny
sometimes. He has plenty of potential, but I’ve honestly never heard of this
Kyle character. So the edge goes to Timmy in this contest, and if he wins this
one maybe he’ll start making some waves, and we’ll be witnessing the rise of a
new star. Probably not, but it’s possible.

Next, we get to see fast-lipped David Lucas publicly execute Edward Ty
Evans.

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With his fast-paced, off-the-cuff style, David Lucas has
established himself as a straight up killah. Edward Ty Evans, to the best of my
knowledge, has never battled before, but he seems pretty fuckin’ funny. He’s a
Memphis boy who spent some years in Chicago, so he’s used to dodging bullets
from cops and criminals. We’ll see if he could dodge the rapid fire David Lucas
spits. Part of me thinks David Lucas should start aiming higher as far
opponents, but part of me feels like this match has potential to steal the
show. Between these two, they’ve stolen all kinds of shit.

In our fourth 4th of July battle, Tom “The Bomb” Whalen belts one out on Andrew “Ryan” Fox. 

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Look at the rock star wannabes. Andrew Ryan Fox looks like
Dungeon and Dragons Dave Grohl, and Tom Whalen looks like the dead bloated
corpse of James Dean ate Meatloaf (the singer and the food). These loveable
idiots both have had solid showings. I give the writing advantage to Andrew and
the showmanship advantage to Tom. They are young hungry (especially Tom) comics
looking to prove their worth and take a bite out that giant Roast Battle pie.
At least, Tom’s young anyway. Andrew looks like he going through his second
divorce and desperately clinging his youth. This has all the elements of proper
heavyweight (especially Tom) fight. (Tom’s fat.)

As a special Independence Day treat, Mike Schmidt will be
battling against a mystery opponent.

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In a Roast Battle first, this recently vanquished virtuoso
will be pummeling somebody, but the question who? His unknown adversary has
been researching and writing jokes about him, and he is going to have to combat
Mr. or Mrs. Mysterious on the fly, in real time, for our entertainment. If you
know anything about Mike Schmidt’s battle history, you know he’s served up some
fucking bloodbaths. How will this innovative challenge affect his performance?
Who will step out the shadows to take a stab at Schmidt? You’ll have to tune in
to find out. 

Katrina “Chia” Davis looks to put the beat down on Zach “slipped-in-her-wine” Stein.

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This battle looks like a Nazi versus a Black Panther, but
these two are really just a couple of precious little pussy willows. Katrina
Davis has become one of my favorite people to watch onstage and just see around
town in general. She runs one of the best open mic’s in LA, Mom Party, at the
Next Stage Theater on Wednesday nights. She embodies an infectious joyful
energy coupled with offbeat sensibilities. We love her here and are excited to
have her back in action. Zach Stein is white af. Both these cute little babies
have proved they can be funny, and we’re waiting to see them step up to the next
level and dominate.

Finally, in our main event, The Cannon Nicole Becannon goes
eyeliner to eyelashes with Mad Stare Madison Sinclair.

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Nicole Becannon is back in her second main event, after winning her first main event just last week. That’s quite a schedule to take on, and we’re all worried about her mental health. She’s one of the fiercest females in the battle game today, and her antagonist is no slouch. Madison Sinclair is an accomplished writer, and has had some fantastic battles as well as some intense defeats. Her jokes are consistently on the money, but her performances wax and wane. She recently started writing for new Steve Harvey show, but the feud we’re salivating for happens tonight. Nicole has really embraced the fun of the show in some of her stage antics, with solid writing to back it up. She’s been on a hot streak, but Madison is hungry and looking to devour the roll Nicole is rolling on. If history is indication, this ladies night will be fuckin’ fireworks. 

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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