Sometimes in comedy everything just lines up to create a beautiful harmony. The crowd on Tuesday was so fired up it felt like old times. Roast Battle is always fun, but the crowd was so hot it felt like the savage energy and orchestrated chaos that the show was originally built on. Kim Congdon, Luis J. Gomez, The Sklar Brothers, Jeff Ross, Jimmy O. Yang, and Drew Carey were all seated and ready to judge some verbal violence. Even the full Wave was present and prepared to jump in the mix.
It is looking to be a special night, unfortunately the first battle is between Victoria Frydman and Jake Gallo. Victoria volunteers to go first, which is commendable. When her first statement falls completely flat, she adds a second “but…” And the crowd chuckles at her obvious realization that this was going to be harder than she thought. She jammed in a second joke that wasn’t much better than the first and got a pity smattering of giggles from the hungry audience. Jake Gallo connects with his first joke, and it looks to be a one sided affair. Victoria’s official second joke does decently and the battle is building steam. Jake fires back with a reference so old it can run for president. Victoria really comes alive and starts putting some attitude into it, but she tops it off with a lackluster punchline for her last attempt. This sets up Jake for an easy win, but he stumbles, spits and sputters through his last joke, barely making it to the end without having a seizure. He might’ve suffered a minor mid-joke stroke, I’m no doctor. Overall, the battle gets more than it deserves from the rabid fans, who deserve better. In conversation with the judges, Victoria mentions that she put her kids to sleep before leaving.
“So did your jokes.”
-Luis J. Gomez
“They shouldn’t put weed candy all over the table. I don’t smoke weed, I’m the host of The Price is Right, why would I do that?”
“So hypothetically, there is an empty wrapper right there.”
“He said there’s an empty rapper, I was like when did Post Malone get here?”
-A Sklar Brother
The judges keep the show entertaining and fun, and Jake Gallo gets a decisive victory.
Shaun Keren is brought to the stage.
“Do you remember the website called Bum Fights? I feel like I’m at a comedy version of Bum Fights.”
Josh Edelman joins Shaun onstage and begins the battle:
“Sean’s mother is Jewish and his father is black. Unfortunately for Shaun, he inherited his mother’s athletic ability and his father’s employability.”
“You’re so boring, man, like… You’re like Ben Stein but without the money.”
“Shaun kinda looks like what would happen if a fetus survived its abortion.”
“Dude, your mother must do improv, all she does is say yes.”
This prompts The Wave to chant, “Whose Line! Whose Line! Whose Line!”
“Thank you, Special Eddie Griffin. Shaun might tell you that he knows jiu-jitsu, but that’s like telling you that I know how to slam dunk a basketball. I mean, I know…”
“That was your last joke? Read the signs, alright. Give up on your dreams, you were raised in a retirement home.”
Shaun gets cocky on his last joke, and delivers a head-scratcher.
“This reminded me of when like a drunk driving victim has to face the driver that hit him.”
-Luis J. Gomez
“That last joke was like this room: unfinished and shitty right now.”
-One of the Sklar Brothers
“You know the vibe I got from the whole thing? I felt like two regular guys and they meet a supermodel at the bar. And the supermodel says, ‘I’ll fuck you both, but you have to blow each other first.’ And they got up onstage like, ‘Look bro, I guess we’re gonna have to do this.” – Drew Carey
“At first I thought this was unfair and you were bullying him, but then you kinda became the retard.”
A couple of judges suggest the battle is a tie, and The Roastmaster decrees that they do one more joke followed immediately by audience vote. Shaun starts sudden death:
“Josh, your father’s a nutritionist, but you don’t need him to tell you that your full of shit.”
“Shaun works in real estate, which is kinda ironic since he’s been homeless after Notre Dame burned down.”
Shaun Keren gets more noise and walks away with the win. Dylan Sullivan comes to the stage for the last battle of the night. Brian Moses asks why he’s battling Zach Stein and he replies:
“I”m tired of being the only fat faggot around here.”
Zach is brought to the stage and replies to same question about why he’s battling Dylan:
“I’m just excited to be the less fat faggot.”
The crowd bursts into chants of “Battle! Battle! Battle!” and Stein kicks it off:
“Dylan, you fat homo. Dylan’s a Mexican. Dylan is actually a lot like Tex-mex food, he’s half Mexican and half cheese with sour cream leaking out the back.”
“Zach looks like Harry Potter if Harry Potter was a disgusting Jew.”
This is the battle this crowd deserves. Jeremiah Watkins appears on the stage in full Batman costume, and beats up the rest of The Wave.
“Could’ve just said Jew. Dylan’s dad suffers from cancer. Don’t worry man, you’ll get through it, one day he’ll call you by your name.”
“Zach’s mom is schizophrenic. She’s got multiple personality disorder, and none of them like Zach.”
There are more antics from The Wave, including Batman Jeremiah perching on a stool next to Zach.
“Dylan is too young to remember 9/11. How do you even explain something like that? Imagine everyone in America felt the way you felt the day that one bakery said they wouldn’t sell cake to gay guys.”
Batman Jeremiah jumps down from his perch and beats up the rest of The Wave, followed by chants of “9/11! 9/11! 9/11!”
“Zach loves being the smartest guy in the room, which is why he rapes women in sheds.”
The battle is going so well, they decide to extend to five jokes on the fly, and Zach keeps the party going:
“Dylan works here at the Comedy store, but he can’t climb the ladder. Not like to success, there’s a literal ladder he’s too fat to climb.”
“Zach’s an alcoholic who dropped out of law school. Geez, Zach, you just can’t pass that bar.”
“Dylan suffers from depression, much like that half of the stage.”
Jeff Ross comes down to join The Wave for one more epic Batman beatdown, this time scored by Coach Tea playing the classic Batman theme.
“Zach’s idea of blacking out is drinking a mint julep and blowing three black guys.”
“That’s Dylan’s version of Saturday.”
This is a really fun battle, and Dylan Sullivan has career best performance.
“How do you ever think you’re gonna come to a Roast Battle and beat a guy that’s grown up fat and gay?”
“I’ve been putting in work in my 20’s on the fat and gay.”
“It’s not that one’s fat and gay. It’s that he’s fatter and gayer than the other.”
“I get drunk and do gay stuff. When I’m sober, vicious homophobe.”
“What Zach is saying is he’s not gay, but if The Price Is Right…”
Coach Tea hits The Price Is Right theme music and The Wave fills the stage dancing along, while Batman gets on his knees and sucks Zach’s homophobic dick.
“Just wanna say this is the most fucked up game of Plinko I’ve ever seen.”
-one of The Sklars
“Dylan’s so fat and gay he came out of a walk in closet.”
-the other one of The Sklars
“Dylan, you made Zach look skinny, which is crazy. You look so great up there, Zach. Never not be next to him.”
Zach Stein crushed at the end of the battle, and kept killing after the battle was over. Too bad for him Dylan Sullivan was impossibly likable and killed all the way through. It truly was high octane entertainment start to finish. Dylan gets a big win, and Zach gets called gay a bunch. The judges nearly stole the show, and the audience was one of the best we’ve seen. See you next Tuesday!