While the rest of the world argues over whether crude jokes about the recently deceased are acceptable, or whether a presidential hopeful should take the endorsement of a comedian who has made jokes at the expense of various marginalized groups, we here at Roast Battle sit tight with clenched fists and sweaty palms, hoping the world continues not to notice us. Yes, as the world pretends to change and mature, we propagate the truth of human nature; we suck. It’d be nice if people had more empathy, but we’re just overall not that good and like to say super fucked up shit to each other. So come on down, and watch idiots make jokes about other idiots and then more famous idiots make jokes about those less famous idiots, and then you, the extremely smart audience, picks a winner, and winning is all we have. I don’t feel strongly about anything I just said, but I need this paragraph to be different each time.
Judging tonight’s verbal blood bath, we have the surviving members of The Jimi Hendrix Experience. That’s right, not a goddamn soul has committed to judging Roast Battle tonight, but don’t let that deter you. Not a week has gone by, without some of the biggest names in comedy showing up to bear witness to the carnage that is roast battle and lay judgement upon its’ contestants. Jeff Ross and Tony Hinchcliffe are fan favorites who are always game to judge when they’re around, we’ll just have to wait and see who comes in for this raucous evening of seven goddamn roast battles.
The first of seven battles sees newcomer Victor Tran taking on newcomer Zahid Dewji. At least I think Victor Tran is new, when I try to search his name on this site it just tells me about every time Robin Tran was the victor. (Ed. note – Victor has battled several times as part of the Houston Roast Battle circuit.) Zahid is new to the Belly Room, but not to roast battle, as he took on Roast Battle great, Sarah Keller, in Houston when the show hit the road. He lost, but will have a strong understanding about how we do roasting on the coast, which is different than in Houston, probably better. My only advice to Victor Tran is to call him Za-pee Doody, and have fun out there.
Up next we have Kyle Daley squaring off with the alliterative Hailey Hackett. It’s Hailey’s first battle, will she be able to hack it? This will be Kyle’s second battle, and if it’s anything like his first battle, Hailey should be able to hack it. Kyle’s first battle was bad and he lost, not the best combo, but many Roast Battle greats have faltered at the start line. Maybe they shouldn’t announce the start of races with a gunshot, and less people would falter and I’d have to find a new metaphor. Will Kyle be able to pick himself up and stride towards greatness or will he just falter again and say “fuck racing” and move back to whatever town he comes from? And as Hailey approaches the start line, will she falter or can she hack it? I’ve got a word count and hungry mouths to feed, you try to write something better, her last name is pronounced hack it, that’s good stuff.
Oh we’re just getting started, our next battle has Brandon Beaderstadt taking on Tokyo Kuntpunch. What ever happened to “Joe Smith” and “Sally Sue”? Names these days are something else. Brandon will be battling for the first time and who gives a shit? His opponent is a sex worker named Tokyo Kuntpunch, let’s talk about that more. That will be everyone’s opinion, so my advice to Brandon is let the jokes do the talking because no one is going to care much about you. Yeah, Tokyo is a hooker, but that’s just a job, you think you’re so fucking great because you work at a bank? You disgust me and will continue to disgust me until you find an honest line of work, like Ms. Kuntpunch has. Tokyo has had a spotty record to start in Roast Battle, but is a great target and an even better sport. Maybe this will be the day she blossoms as a performer, but if not there’s always a big fat sweaty rich guy who will pay to lie on top of her for an hour.
In our final battle, just kidding, in our next battle Ezekiel Eechevarria goes up against Paul Missirlian. Ezekiel has quietly found his way to a very commendable 4-1 record to start his Roast Battle career. Granted those victories have come mainly against weaker unseasoned battlers. The next step for Zeke would be to try and take on some more veteran battlers, be part of putting on an overall good show, and maybe rack up some marquee wins. He won’t be doing that today as he takes on newcomer, Paul Missirlian. From the looks of his Facebook, Paul is a journeyman, partaking in the culinary arts, music, and comedy, all with a stupid top knot. Will Roast Battle be the newest hobby mistress, or will he be the one bent over and sodomized? Time will tell.
As we near the end of our undercards, Jared Goldstein will be taking on Michael Schirtzer. I like both these people, and that’s the first time I’ve been able to say that in this report. Michael Schirtzer is a battle rapper, martial artist, and comedian, three professions prominently featured on black men’s big t-shirts in the 90s and early aughts; he’s just missing Cuban coke dealer. Michael has been roast battling since the beginning and has had varying levels of success, but shown that he has what it takes to win big battles. Jared, in my opinion the real Tokyo Kuntpunch, has battled far less, but shown great ability with some big wins, most recently over big fat Dylan Sullivan. Both these comedians are very funny, strong writers, and great entertainers. This has sleeper potential for being the best battle of the night.
In our final undercard, Nico Dinisi squares up against Caesar Lizardo. How many foreign ass sounding names can one night have. Nico Italianized her name on purpose. Nico is bigender so I’ve got a big safety net on his pronouns. Caesar is a comedian and a father, you only get to be good at one and he’s a great dad. I’m kidding, he’s a dangerous and formidable roast battler and a diaper dumpster fire of a father. These are two great roast battlers who always strive to put on a great show first and foremost. They both love playing to the audience in victory and defeat, which is a sure recipe for a good time. Both have gone up against solid competition with a handful of wins and losses. Expect great, mean jokes, maybe a character from Caesar, and a damn fun time for everyone involved.
Our Main Event tonight features two, count em, two women! As Alice Hamilton takes on Kelsey Lane. Kelsey Lane is the self proclaimed, bisexual icon. More like the icon of indecision. No! Bisexuality is real and I’m sick of ignorant assholes like me writing it off as someone who just won’t admit they’re gay, but that’s the eternal fight of a bisexual icon. Alice is the icon of losing great roast battles. Seriously, she deserves some goddamn recognition because despite a heavy loss column, she is the common denominator to some of Roast Battle’s most electric battles. It’s not her fault that she’s super roastable because her life was so fucked up. It is her fault that she’s super roastable because of how she’s dressed, but that’s just because the rest of us losers don’t have the individuality and boldness for a unique style, so we wear hoodies and flannels and shit. Kelsey dresses like every male comedian and is indiscernible from Craig Conant, but let’s make fun of Alice’s pastels. Anyway, I think it takes a great comedic sensibility and lack of ego to be willing to shine in roastability as well as roast skill and Alice is a master of both. Seriously, don’t tell her I said all this shit, I would never admit it to her face. Kelsey’s cool too, no seriously Kelsey Lane rocks and has been putting on phenomenal battles. Most of the good things I said about Alice, I could say about Kelsey, but Kelsey isn’t a fucking loser. She actually wins sometimes, so she doesn’t need a whole essay justifying her goodness. Alice does.