The Belly Room crackles with energy, ready for good fights and the night’s tournament matchups. For the first undercard, Paul Elia comes to the stage followed by DJ Demers. DJ charms the crowd by doing a faux-deaf voice, and he starts things off:

“Well, Paul and I actually talked about what would be discussed in this battle and he wanted to be clear that he was Middle Eastern. He really wanted me to go after that. But he’s barely, barely Middle Eastern. He’s kinda like the Middle Eastern that like Fox News would invite on the show when they want a Muslim on the program.”

“Nigga says you look like a correspondent!” – Jamar Neighbors, Greenway Court Theatre, January 26th & 27th

“DJ does a lot of stand up comedy and he sells out urban crowds. That’s because they advertise him as Mos Def.”

“I don’t wanna shit on Paul too much, Paul was actually on Conan tonight. I know I’m supposed to mean to him, but he was just on Conan a half hour ago. They didn’t use his real name or anything of course, but umm… But no, he’s ha a terrific run. And you know his first break in the industry was, he actually got to be the stand in for Michael Imperioli. Michael Imperioli. Ya know? From the very beginning Hollywood’s been telling Paul that he looks like a nobody.”

“Keep it going for that ten minute bit, keep it going for that. DJ speaks with a lisp, so I don’t think that makes him gay, but when he talks we’re all hearing aids.”

“Paul is so nondescript he wishes he had a disability, but uh… I just want to say that any women in here we’ll tell you that any guy that says ‘Hey, I’m a nice guy.’ You know that guy’s a fuckin’ creep. Well, Paul’s Instagram handle actually has that in it. It’s Paul-Elia-Nice-Guy (@paulelianiceguy). You know when you’re going to that level to put ‘nice guy’ right their Instagram handle, this man has done some raping.”

“DJ is the Hulk Hogan of comedy, because when he says a joke he does this shit [Hulk Hogan hand-to-ear act out]”

For somebody who can’t hear, DJ certainly talks a lot. After mixed judges’ picks, mostly favoring Paul, the crowd cheers more for DJ. The cheers aren’t exactly deafening, but Demers takes the win.

Moving on to the next undercard, Andrea Guzzetta enters first and seems nervous, timidly replying to Brian Moses’ pre-roast questioning. Andrew Ryan Fox is more confident but doesn’t say much.

“This dude looks like he would do your taxes with a tattoo gun.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

Andrew volunteers Andrea to go first, and she takes control:

“Andrew Ryan Fox, you sentient STD. You look like the reason toilets need seat covers.”

“Andrea exclusively likes little brown dudes. Too bad not even Aziz would put his fingers in her mouth.”

“Thank you, Fear and Loathing in Mom’s Basement.”

Andrew tries to slip in a “You’re welcome” rebuttal, but nobody can hear it because of the uproarious cheers and laughter for Andrea’s jab. To be honest, I did hear it, but I’ll spare you.

“You’re a Canadian Jew from the suburbs, the only thing whiter that your personality is the cocaine you tried to replace it with.”

“Andrea came here from Wisconsin, where coincidentally they recently had a cheese shortage. She smuggled it out in her thighs.”

“Thank you, Anarchy Starter Pack. Andrew’s in an open relationship, which means the only thing anybody’s ever asked him to commit to is suicide.”

“Andrea paints pictures of Jesus, and wouldn’t you know her father’s a carpenter. Just out of curiosity, how often did your dad fuck you?”

Andrea’s sweet, innocent vibe was abandoned as soon as the battle started. She was poutine the beatdown on this Canadian Jew, and it was his lack of comebacks that Holocaust him this battle.

“With glasses that thick, you’d think he would see the jokes were garbage.” – Saudi Prince

After a big show of appreciation from the audience, Andrea Guzzetta is awarded her second win.

Heather Marulli makes her way to the stage to kick off our third undercard, followed by John-Michael Bond.

“I just want to say that I’m really excited for this live reading of the new Roseanne.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

John-Michael Bond jumps on the opportunity to go first and initiates his assault:

“Heather, I love your outfit tonight. You look like a mob wife of McDonald’s land. Like you get 10% of whatever the Hamburglar takes.”

“Thank you, Ginger-Inbred Man. John looks like he’s paid for an abortion with change he’s found in his friends’ couches.”

“When Heather was 26 her boyfriend died of an overdose. How shitty are you at dating that somebody literally ghosted you?”

“It’s true, my boyfriend is dead, but coincidentally, you do look like the ghost of fat boyfriend’s past. Uhh… John and his wife have threesomes a lot, ok? But the only woman he allows regularly into the bedroom is Mrs. Buttersworth.”

“Thanks for telling everybody I have cool sex with my wife, I can’t wait for your follow up about my big dick that cums penicillin. Fun fact about Heather, she’s a freak. One time four guys tied her down. Then they figured out she wasn’t a bear and they let her go.”

“That was good, Being John Michael Bitch. John Michael looks like Ronald McDonald lost his make up in a divorce.”

John-Michael Bond is more confident than we’ve ever seen him, the audience gives him his due and Moses raises his hand in victory.

Caesar Lizardo and Rena Hundert come to the stage for our first of two tournament matches of the night. Caesar goes first:

“Rena’s so Jewish… Rena’s so Jewish that when guys slide in her DM’s they’re actually talking about her deli meats.”

“Why is your name Caesar when you look like you came from a thousand islands?”

“Thank you, Madam Sandler. Rena fucked one of the writers on SNL. When she found he gave her scabies, he just called it a ‘Weekend Update.’ Back to you, Rena.”

“That save tho.” – Jamar Neighbors, Greenway Court Theatre, January 26th & 27th

“Caesar’s brother went to Yale, or as the rest of us would pronounce it: jail.”

“Thank you, shithole cunt. That’s a joke my father made seven years ago. Rena doesn’t do karate, but she does have a huge chindo.”

“Caesar looks like he fucks boys and men to Boyz II Men.”

“Rena never had her #MeToo moment. She’s desperate and does improv, so for her it was yes and.”

“Caesar, what’s with that pink sweatshirt? You look like a brown clit, only more sensitive.”

“And you look like a picnic table nobody would eat off of. Rena’s Jewish, which explains why camel toe’s been stuck in a desert for almost forty years.”

“Caesar’s girlfriend’s a valley girl, which makes sense because all he’ll ever be is a valet guy.”

This battle got off to a slow start, but there were some great moments that picked up the energy. With a split vote amongst the judges, Brian Moses throws it to John Mayer and he proclaims Rena the winner for her “Yale/jail” joke. So it goes, Rena’s moving on and Caesar’s going home to his newborn baby girl.

The last battle of the night is another tournament match-up pitting Bryan Vokey against Joe Eurell. After the judges give Eurell the edge, Vokey suggests Joe go first. Joe complies, and gets things going:

“Bryan used to be in a band, but this discount wheelchair has better metal bars than his music.”

“Joe, I may have failed at music, but at least I didn’t fail in the womb.”

Frustrated with the position on the mic in its stand, Joe yanks the mic into his grasp garnering cheers from the crowd.

“Bryan is a big time heavy metal fan, but the only Megadeath he’s seen live was his mom’s.”

“Ya know, funny thing about Joe, there’s actually nothing wrong with his wrists. He’s just super gay.”

“Bryan’s only mocking my shriveled arms because they work better than his liver. Anyway… Bryan is such a stereotypical white southerner, the only time he wants to see a black out, is when he’s drinking.”

“Ya know, Joe’s also from the South, but he’s not really a redneck, he’s more of a red lobster.”

“Bryan lives in an abandoned dentist’s office, which makes sense because he enjoys forcibly filling people’s cavities.”

“Ya know, true story, Joe tried to join the military. But he was denied because they said his birth was a dishonorable discharge.”

“Bryan is only jealous of my cerebral palsy because it gives me a six pack. You call my body deformed, I mean, you look like you have beer gut on your neck too.”

“Ya know uhh… Joe’s parents beat him and then put him in a foster home because nobody wants a bruised vegetable.”

The regulation round has ended, and Moses makes his way back onstage. But Joe can’t help himself:

“Bryan only calls me a vegetable because by the looks of his gut, he’s also afraid of salads.”

“I don’t believe Joe has cerebral palsy, I think he’s just doing the world’s worst Stevie Wonder impression.”

Joe Eurell puts forth his best and lands a few punches, Bryan Vokey is operating on another level. The judges give their votes to Vokey, and he’ll be moving on in the tournament. Overall, a fun night of fights. We’ll see you next Tuesday!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This