Damn. We can add another to the list of legends who had to see Roast Battle for themselves. Although Jim hasn’t been on stage telling jokes, there’s no doubting the impact and weight he holds with anyone in comedy. He was introduced and the crowd went crazy, continuing their ovation for him longer than any guest judge before him not named Chappelle. The best part? He joined in on the fun!
“This is great for Jim because he can finally see kids perform who weren’t vaccinated. – Mike Lawrence
“They should be, start with Gardasil. Protects the pussies.” – Jim
“Jim, you used to work here?” – Jeff Ross
“Yeah…I sold drugs.”- Jim
“Couldn’t really pay attention, I was distracted by their cocks.” – Jim, when asked by Jeff how felt about the first round.
Ok, the last one was a little weird but in Jim’s defense with all the skinny jeans on stage, there was very little left to the imagination. “Little” being the operative word here. We all grew up watching him and there he was, just like the rest of us, enjoying the show. Jim Carrey, Dave Chappelle, Dave Attel, Tyler the Creator, John Mayer are just a few of the huge stars that have come by to watch and loved the show. Don’t be this guy.
Fuckin’ Reno. Review time!
The first undercard had Quentin Moscaritolo (1-0, 58) dismissing Reggie Reyes (0-1, 132)!
I really shit the bed tonight when it came to picks. This one was the worst because Reggie had one good pre-joke against Earl Skakel and then nothing else that resembled a joke. #tryingtobenicer. Quentin had the rage of no one ever being able to pronounce his last name correctly fueling his roast.
QUENTIN ON REGGIE
“Reggies jokes have worse structure than the housing developments he grew up in.”
“Reggie’s what happens when you pour a Corona on a Gremlin.”
“Reggies comedy career will end like his last relationship; him trying really hard for 10 years and ending up a failure then living with his sister in Pomona.”
These are well-written, funny jokes. Good job, Quentin! Reggie got on stage and made a few statements. Hey, at least he set up Coach Tea to crush him with a dial-tone drop!
REGGIE ON QUENTIN
“I went to a bar with Quentin and he had on a trench coat and the bartender thought it was two children stacked on each other and instead it was your shitty body.”
“Reggie has two best friends; one that he lost his virginity to and one that’s fucking her. Hey do you want to be best friends because I’m horny as shit.”
Yikes. Good luck Regg, with your sister and all.
This battle receives ? / ? ? ? flame emojis and Quentin only has Reggie to blame for the low grade.
The second undercard of the night, had Chris Kershaw (0-0, 125) and Mike Citera (0-0, 130) earning the dreaded “NO CONTEST” from Moses.
Oh man this was a mess. This was like drunk brothers arguing in a nightclub over who’s really at fault for Dad leaving Mom. Moses declared that nobody won due to the lack of votes from the packed room. I guess I should have picked Earl because he was the real highlight of this battle. You ever throw up something gross and then burp later and taste the vomit again? Listening to this battle for the report is that burp.
CHRIS ON MIKE
I’m super unprepared I was trying to get material by talking to girls Mike had slept with but they couldn’t say anything till after the trial.
You dumb, DUI-driving, motherfucker. His car looks like Lindsay Lohan drove it. The only difference is one’s an alcoholic drug-addict whose career is over and the other is Lindsay Lohan.”
They had decent chemistry on stage. The jokes weren’t awfully written. They just had no punch I guess. Normally undercards only have 3-4 jokes. This one rambled on for like 5 as each battler tried to sneak another in.
MIKE ON CHRIS
“Chris’ favorite athlete is Kobe Bryant. Going out drinking with Chris is a lot like Kobe. He takes way too many shots and most the girls he fucks, said no.”
“You wanna talk about girls I slept with? Lets talk about girls Chris has slept with. He used to bring home the fattest, ugliest chicks. He slept with so many fat chicks his bed gets residuals from the Dove Real Beauty campaign.”
Damn, that second joke might still be going. I need to take this time to remind everyone this is a roast report and these two ares till my friends. #wahhh
This battle receives / . That’s right! The first ever zero-flame score. #thisisnteasy
To cleanse the palate from the dreck, we had Pedro Salinas (1-0, 32) edging out Brendan Cooney (1-1, 52)!
If that last battle was that burp then this battle was like the first thing your stomach lets you eat after throwing up and you remember everything is gonna be okay. Aww, Pedro brought his son! #presh. This was everything you wanted and more from a battle. Great joke after great joke. Ain’t even mad I lost the pick. This really was awesome to listen a few days later so make sure you’re checking out the pod! Jokes?
BRENDAN ON PEDRO
“Pedro’s half-latino but 100 percent a networker. That’s right, the only time Pedro has a wet back is when better comics cum on it.”
“His name is Pedro but he’s Jewish. He’s got no street-cred. The last hood he was in…was his own foreskin.”
“Pedro’s gonna talk about my appearance. He is tall, white and good-looking and still the least successful person named Pedro in Los Angeles.”
“So I look like Bill Burr. Pedro’s doing the Louie CK. Because his standup feels like being locked in a room while an old man jerks off.”
It sucks someone had to lose. They were both so good. Let’s take the win that no one got from the last battle and just give it to Brendan? I’m posting all of their jokes because they were so good. I wish this was a Main Event.
PEDRO ON BRENDAN
“The hardest Brendan ever kills is when he brings a weapon to a movie theatre.”
“You look like Buffalo Bill Burr!”
“If you don’t recognize Brendan for his comedy, you’ll definitely recognize his license plate from Amber Alert.”
“Brendan asked to roast battle me tonight. I don’t particularly find him funny but who am I to say no to a dying man’s last wish.”
The crowd was hot. They wanted to pop and the first two battles didn’t let them. Thank you Brendan and Pedro!
? ? ? / ? ? ? and it may have deserved an extra ?!
And in our Main Event, Jay Light (7-3, 5) prevailed over Doug Fager (3-1, 16)!
What a battle. They had great friend chem and some good zings up top before the battle even started. Right before this battle is when the world learned Jim Carrey was in the building. It really came down to Doug’s first joke in the third round. It didn’t really hit and Jay had a joke about Doug’s fallen family member. Kudos to Doug for sure. Jay hit him with that comeback and Doug rebounded immediately from it. I think every joke except Doug’s third round opener hit. The crowd exploded after every punchline.
JAY ON DOUG
“Doug looks like a gay hipster. You dress like you drink cum out mason jars.”
“Doug you grew up on a dairy farm, which explains why you’re the margarine of stand-up. I can’t believe he’s not better!”
“Jesus, your brother died from food poisoning and you’re still that comfortable eating shit?”
“Doug, you look like Mumford got gang-banged by the Sons.”
“Comedy’s not really working out for Doug. That’s why he works at Umami Burger so he can finally hear someone can tell him ‘well done’.”
Jay has a comedy horseshoe somewhere up his butt because he’s on a good run here at Roast Battle. He’s crushed in front of Dave Chappelle and Jim Carrey. His first joke? The mason jar one? It inspired Jamie Salinas into this act-out:
That wasn’t set up. Jamie just carries around mason jars labeled “cum” in case of Roast Battle or needs somewhere to save it. Doug had fantastic jokes and a comeback for a dead brother joke…he just had one bomb. And that was enough to lose.
DOUG ON JAY
“Jay my grandparents love your comedy. But that’s because they think you’re Billy Big Mouth Bass.”
“My brother did die. And that was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. Until I saw you try to do 15 minutes.”
“Jay you look like a clown in human face.”
“This is Jerry Thomas Light III. Jay your name is so white they fly your birth certificate above the capitol building in Charleston.”
“You have such meaty lips on your dyke face that when you go down on a chick it’s considered scissoring.”
At least it was a good show, Dougie. Welcome to the loser’s club. The crowd was thirsty for a 4th round. I kinda was too so I could win at least one pick. But Jeff Ross went all locker-room speech on us in defense of Jay and by the time the smoke cleared and we wiped our eyes, Jay had his 7th win.
This battle scorched from beginning to end and earned the fuck out of the second consecutive ? ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ? rating on the FE scale!
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Doug looks like a gay hipster. You dress like you drink cum out mason jars.” – Jay Light
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Doug you grew up on a dairy farm, which explains why you’re the margarine of stand-up. I can’t believe he’s not better!” – Jay Light
I am 46-31 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us@roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.