The world will not end in a blazing inferno, the world will much more likely end wrapped in wet blankets. Our biggest weapon against potential tyranny is the ability to wring out some laughs. It is when we lose our sense of humor that progress is impossible, injustice irreparable, tragedy insurmountable. So when Roast Battle favorite and former Belly Room Champ Alex Hooper deflates the egos of the America’s Got Talent judges in real time on NBC, it is a little victory for all of us. The fact that these pseudo-celebrities on a competition-based reality show about wanting to be famous can’t take a joke about themselves is a joke in and of itself. The fact that people thought Alex was being mean is hilarious considering he’s a contestant taking the piss out of people who are in a position to judge him. As a matter of fact, he was being quite vulnerable up there. The night begins with Jeff Ross giving Hooper props for his entertaining valor.
Soon after, one-time battle winner Micah Bleich makes his way to the Thunderdome to wage war against Roast Battle virgin Jon Flanagan. Micah looks like a bunch of deli owners and accountants melded together to form a Jew Megazord. The Megajew volunteers to begin the burns:
“Jon is a dyslexic bartender and a prolific ladies’ man. In both cases he always checks ID to make sure they’re 12.”
“Micah plays Dungeons & Dragons, he gets to escape reality & pretend he’s in a different place. His wife does the same thing when she’s having sex with him.”
“Jon is the stupidest comedian I know. I’d say he’s dumb as a rock but that’s not fair because I’ve seen rocks with polished material.”
The first part of this joke gets a rolling laugh. Sometimes the funniest things are blunt, simple truths. The second part gets a big pop from the crowd, so Jon doubles down on the double bubbles on Micah’s chest.
“Micah’s wife makes more money than him so she wears the pants in the house and he wears the bras. You could tell he doesn’t work out either, because who needs ass when you got tits like that.”
“You threw in an extra joke, you don’t usually last that long, I hear… Jon is Mexican, even though I know he looks completely covered in white, just like his mom’s pussy after a hard night at work.”
“In college Micah was in a Jewish fraternity at University of Berkeley, class of 2005, unfortunately not University of Berlin, class of 1942.”
These two have a strong chemistry and overall a fun fight, but Micah clearly has the edge. Jon did pretty well too, despite some harsh criticism from the Roastmaster. The judges and audience agree, and Micah Bleich walks away the winner but also still a pretty big loser.
Andrea Guzzetta is brought to the stage next wearing her signature floral pattern dress and “aw shucks” cuteness. Zach Stein is carried to the stage by a big fat Mexican. He has a broken leg and is dressed in pajamas. The judges ask if he’s on painkillers, and Zach affirms that he certainly is with loopy giggle. Andrea takes first joke, and we’re off:
“Zach used to manage a hair salon. It was the only way he could collect women’s hair without killing them first.”
“I prefer killing them… Andrea was recently committed to the nuthouse. For a woman who always wears sundresses, you really are a black cloud.”
Zach’s ad-lib gets a decent laugh, but his joke falls completely flat. It looks like Guzzetta is about to claim another boy’s soul to add to her trophy case.
“Ok, Bitchy Rich. The only thing more tired of supporting you than your father, are your legs.”
“Yes, my parents support me. Yours would too, but your dad went to prison and your uncle stole your trust fund. It’s not my fault your family doesn’t know how to be white.”
Both of their second jokes get the room rolling in a big way, but it seems as if Zach might’ve have turned the tide. It all comes down to the last joke. Andrea has a few false starts and some painful pauses. She’s obviously fucked up her joke and is struggling find her footing. She finally does and delivers the joke she intended to.
“Zach started drinking at an early age, because his parents never got him… the official carbine action, 200-shot, Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time. I took a risk, I took a risk.”
“Andrea wrote a suicide note, then tried to pass it off as a joke. That’s fine, but how do you explain the rest of your jokes?”
Even with the big fumble on her last joke, Andrea remains endearing throughout the battle. Despite his terrible first joke, Zach puts on a great performance. He’s poised, he has a healthy amount of carefree energy and is just genuinely funny. The judges deliberate, and a case is made for one more joke. However, the crowd votes for Zach Stein, and he’s awarded the win. The Jews are batting a thousand tonight. That would only happen in an indoor sport that doesn’t require any physical activity.
Paige Wesley approaches the stage to kick off our one-round main event. Greg Roque is then wheeled to the stage with his Comedy Central Roast Battle prominently credit stated. After some shots from the judges, Greg gets the ball rolling:
“Paige doesn’t have TV credits, but you might recognize her as the girl every black guy takes to the prom.”
“Greg wants to work in the film industry, and he’s perfect for it. He has an X-Men body with Jurassic Park arms.”
“Paige is obsessed with sex cults. She’s never been in an orgy, but her holes are stuffed with Five Guys.”
“Greg is Mexican so it’s no surprise nothing works south of the border.”
“Paige is anti-war, but she did invade Iraq of ribs.”
“You’re right, I am fat, and when you get deported I’ll enjoy riding your chair around a Walmart.”
“You look like you’d call the cops on a black BBQ just so you could steal the leftovers.”
“Greg actually straps his phone to his leg so it doesn’t fall and break, imagine if he took that much care of his spine.”
“The only time Paige can’t get a hold of greasy meat is when she tries to find her pussy.”
“Greg isn’t actually paralyzed, his legs are just taking a siesta.”
It’s a soft ending to a great battle, which is how women describe having sex with Greg. Paige puts up one helluva fight, but Greg is like a runaway wheelchair. He’s unstoppable. His “Iraq of ribs” and “black BBQ leftovers” joke get huge noise from the happy crowd. Paige had a couple bangers too, but in the end, Greg Roque rolls away with the win. That’s it for us this week. See you next Tuesday!
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