It’s Tuesday and we’re ready to get verbally violent on the heels of outrage. The target of said outrage is comedian Michelle Wolf, who roasted Washington’s elite at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner this past Saturday. Mike Huckabee tweeted:
We here at Roast Battle are also outraged because frankly, that’s our fucking job. People are largely upset because of jokes concerning Sarah Huckabee Sanders, but none of it was nearly as offensive as we are every Tuesday night. It’s not like somebody said Sarah Huckabee Sanders is so insufferable Cosby would drug her just to get her to shut the fuck up. Nobody mentioned anything about how she’s Mike Huckabee’s daughter but she took her husband’s name when she married Colonel Sanders for free buckets of chicken. Nor did anybody talk about how Sarah Huckabee Sanders looks like a lesbian who only licks pussy because somebody told her there’s a Tootsie Roll in the center. Michelle Wolf was actually pretty nice to that dumb, fat cunt in whorish makeup. She mostly just called her a liar, which she totally is. In fact, she lies for a living. She’s a professional liar. Sarah Huckabee Sanders is such a liar liar, Lamar Odom uses her pants to light his crack pipe. Tonight we will properly celebrate the 1st fucking Amendment of the Consti-fucking-tution of the Goddamn United States of Motherfucking America. Let’s Roast!
In our first undercard, virgin Ashley Baca pops her cherry with veteran Lou Vahram.
I don’t know Ashley Baca, but she looks like Sarah Huckabee Sanchez. We last saw Lou Vahram in the Belly Room just a few weeks back, and it’s great to see him again… because we were worried he’d off himself after getting demolished a few weeks ago. Lou is our favorite try-hard that we wish would try a little harder. He has had some memorable performances, but he’s been having a rough run lately. Lou is hungry for a win and Ashley is just hungry. But that’s low hanging fruit, which is something Ashley has never eaten. Will Lou be at the top of his game or will this actress who does standup sometimes knock him out? Find out tonight!
Our next undercard sees Gary Curtis gunning for Kal Hamilton.
Kal Hamilton looks like Donnell Rawlings if he never got rich biatch! Kal has at least a couple wins under his belt, and Gary Curtis has a win as well. Gary’s biggest win is being far more attractive than 95% of male battlers. As far as casting is concerned, fun and good-looking is always better than funny and ugly. But this isn’t a casting couch, which is good news for Kal “wishes he was in” Hamilton. Both these dudes have a likeable stage presence and both are looking to raise their profiles in the Roast Battle arena. Will they wow the crowd with their jokes or will the joke be on them? Come to the Comedy Store tonight to find out!
In our first of two one-round, five-joke main events, Joe Eurell steps to Caesar Lizardo.
Joe Eurell is perhaps the most loved battler in the game, while Caesar Lizardo is the man you hate to love. Caesar’s theatrical antics have proven to be entertaining, and he has plenty of charm to win over most crowds. Joe has the deadly combination of razor sharp joke writing and being the beloved underdog. He also has cerebral palsy, which can be deadly in severe cases. There’s no known cure for cerebral palsy. They tried to start a “Race for the Cure” for it, but it just looked like they were mocking those who have it. These two are unconventional in different directions, or at least they will be if Joe’s handler sets up his chair wrong. Caesar has a new baby at home, which is good because he’ll be able to change Joe’s diapers. Will Caesar throw Joe to the lions or will Mighty Joe make a monkey out of Caesar? Tune into Roast Battle on Periscope tonight to find the fuck out.
Our final contest is sure to be a self-inflicted blood bath, when Quentin Thomas takes on April Lotshaw.
It’s the Battle of the Sexless, as these two born-again virgins compete to see who is the goofiest white person ever. You might recognize Quentin Thomas and April Lotshaw as further proof that Hitler was wrong. These Aryan nobodies have at least a half-dozen suicide attempts between them. Actually, Quentin might’ve reached that number on his own by now, we haven’t talked in a while. They have acne scars on their faces and suicide scars on their wrists. They look like they met in a therapy group for teenagers who parents are going through a divorce. However, their respective parents are still together. That’s how white they are! April is from Seattle and Quentin is from Huntington Beach. They are actually whiter than Hitler’s wet dream. They’re so white, Malania Trump has refused to live inside them. Having said that, they are the future of Roast Battle. They’ve both had fantastic fights and their chemistry is promising. Will April topple the tall or will Quentin stomp out the lot? Or will they both kill themselves before the battle even happens? We’re going to find out! It all goes down tonight in the Belly Room at the World Famous Comedy Store.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.