I haven’t done a battle spotlight in a while and this is a perfect week as any to do one. Pictured here are the immortal Regan and Watkins. Whenever the show needs them most, they emerge like Superman from the phone booth. But off stage these two are far from Clark Kent. Pat Regan just got back from being a New Face at the Just For Laughs comedy festival in Montreal and has been featured on NBC’s Last Comic Standing. Jeremiah Watkins, also at JFL as a part of The Goddamn Comedy Jam, produces Stand Up On The Spot, one of the best shows in the country according to GQ. The show often precedes the Roast Battle so I’ve been able to catch it a few times. Comics go up without planned material and take audience suggestions and it is a steal at only $5. Get tix here.
He’s also a crucial a part of the Wave, having been with them at the Roastmaster’s Invitational as well. Come early #OnATuesday to catch his show or see him walking in with a caravan of props, to be used in case a hammer joke is dropped.
Now let’s see about some previews…bruh.
Our first undercard had Michael Robinson taking down Eric Bustamante (0-1, 92)!
Wow Eric B really got Rakim’d here. This was a quick, efficient battle. It started close but Eric’s first joke turned out to be his only joke and he was eventually smothered by Matthew’s topical af racist joke.
MATTHEW ON ERIC
“Eric is a drunk. In fact, his liver is so black and bloated, it was found hanging in a jail cell.”
“The only time Eric fucks a comic…is when he goes on stage before them.”
Even Eric had to give Matt credit for the “jail cell” joke. Matt’s twitter was is full of topical joke attempts despite Moses being unsure if the crowd knew what he was talking about. Eric was so wrecked from it, he stammered for a full 10 seconds before uncorking another wife joke.
ERIC ON MATTHEW
“Matt’s married and his wife could have come here tonight…but then she realized she comes easier without him.”
“Matt has dad bod but his wife likes it, because it reminds her of the time she was molested by her father.”
After that bombed, Coach Tea hit him with the old-school dropped call sound effect and it was over.
This battle receives ? / ? ? ? on the ol’ FE scale.
In our second undercard, Rasheed Stephens (1-1, 73) beating Johan Miranda (0-1, 103)!
I’m proud of Rasheed. He’s a nice dude but he bombed hard in his last battle. Johan kinda looks like the special needs son of Roz from Monster’s Inc. and this was his first time outside but you gotta get a W wherever you can. Johan wasted his best joke before the battle even started, calling Rasheed “David Alan Queer.”
JOHAN ON RASHEED
“The only way your special is gonna get any views on the internet is if you say it into the body cam as you reach for the cop’s gun.”
“Rasheed’s filming a special at his old high school. It got approved because they wanted the kids to know what to do in case of a bombing.”
Johan’s last joke was actually good, well-written joke. It was enough to make the judging a little closer but not enough for a win. Someone very loudly and aggressively booed in the middle of Johan’s first joke before the punchline. It wasn’t a great joke but that sure can derail someone and unfairly set a tone for the audience to go by. Please don’t do this. Whoever did, I hope you’re reading. It’s things like this that prevent people from liking you.
RASHEED ON JOHAN
“Johan is what happens when a rape victim keeps the baby.”
“Johan had very supportive parents. When he was younger they taught him to get off his wet back and try again.”
Sheed’s jokes were a little basic and not very specific but his energy won the crowd and he didn’t have any bombs.
Another ? / ? ? ? on the FE scale. I swear this was much more fun in person.
Our final undercard had Jeanne Whitney (2-0, 29) outlasting Richard Pires (0-1, 126)!
Omg this was a mismatch. Interesting strategy by Jeanne, picking a clearly inferior
comedian battler person thing to battle and swooping the easy win. I wonder how many shirts Richard has disintegrated with sweat. The career over/under has got to be around 2k. He looks like a Belushitty brother. Jeanne could have spoken into the wrong side of the mic and only yawned and she would have won.
RICHARD ON JEANNE
“People compare Jeanne to Courtney Love and I can see why. Both are former addicts, both fancy themselves actresses, both have STDs and both would cause any former lover to blow their fucking brains out.”
This was the only thing Richard said that even remotely landed. At one point he screamed this in anger after two bad, sexually charged jokes.
“Is that smart enough for ya, bitch!”
We all felt threatened. Jeanne had two room rockers and it was more than enough to seal the vict.
JEANNE ON RICHARD
“Richard once had to move back home to be able to pay back 16k in credit card debt. He could’ve just stayed home and not eaten for a week.”
“Richard likes to call me a skank but he’s just jealous I’ve seen so many dicks and he’s never seen his own.
This will recieve ? ? / ? ? ? flame emojis only because I won’t allow for three one-flames in row.
Our Main Event had Stuart Thompson (4-1, 5) overcoming Tre’ Stewart (2-4, 37)!
This picture was taken during Jerry Minor’s impassioned speech about the different type of negroes. I thought this could go four rounds but it barely made it to three. The first round was great but Tre just couldn’t keep up in the second round. He should have peppered some of his third round jokes in that second round it might have been closer.
TRE ON STUART
“Stuart is so white, just listening to his material can give you smallpox.”
“Stuart wrote for the CBS diversity showcase. Which makes sense because in a room full of people who are funny, he is a minority.”
“I like watching Stuart tell jokes. It’s the only time I can see a white guy die unarmed.”
“If you tell me the police are coming I get nervous. If you tell Stuart the police are coming he gets online and buys tickets to their concert.”
Jerry Minor declared Tre a shame to all black people and that he was banned from the next meeting. A little harsh but the when a judge speaks, it is law.
STUART ON TRE
“You really gonna call me white? I’ve had moods darker than tre Stewart.”
“I talked to Tre in a target recently for a half hour. Turns out I was just talking to a pair of khakis.”
“Tre’s been in a bIt of financial trouble lately. The only thing keeping him from living in his car is that he doesn’t own a car.”
“Tre’s comedy is like sickle-cell. White people just won’t get it.”
“Tre appeals to white people so much if he had a late night show it’d be called ‘Coonan O Brien’.”
These two are friends and they were co-workers before Tre went all Tre’mis Winston on us. (allegedly) That friend chem saved what was a middle of the road battle.
Middle of the road = ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ? on the scale. So slightly above middle of the road.
See you next week, folks.
I am 45-26 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us@roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.