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by Keith Carey, photos by Troy Conrad

As the crowd fills in the Belly Room, there’s a definite air of anticipation for tonight’s title fight. Alex Hooper is nearly indestructible, having lost only one three round battle in the show’s history. But Jay is a rising star, fresh off some all-time classic battles and an appearance on Road to Roast Battle on Comedy Central. The electricity tickles its way around the room as the first battle begins, kicing off a a controversial night full of ups, downs, and everything in between.
Let’s get into the shit!

The undercards start strong, as Gary Curtis (1-0, Unranked) scores a solid
win against Marquez Acuna (0-1, Unranked)!

“Winner gets an NBC diversity showcase!”- Mike Lawrence

“This is wetback versus fatback.”- Moses

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Gary and Marquez both take the stage with a level of swagger
that belies their virgin status at Roast Battle. The judges and Earl take a few
solid shots as these two size each other up. The bell rings, and Marquez takes
the first shot.

“Gary Curtis was actually named after his father. His mom is
pretty sure it was either Gary or Curtis.”

“Marquez is so Mexican and his teeth are so big, he doesn’t
brush them, he mops them with Fabuloso.”

“Alright, Kanye Less, listen. Gary’s a lot like Drake; no
real street cred, and someone tried to kill him once. But that’s between him,
his mom, and Planned Parenthood.”

“Marquez’ dad was a war vet, which is weird because he’s the
one who was diagnosed with PTSD: Part-time suckin’ dick.”

“Mexicans don’t work part time, dude. Gary’s a political
activist. But how’s he gonna bring people together when his front teeth are so
segregated?”

“Normally I’d be scared of a Mexican from East LA, but the
only thing Marquez has ever fought over was what corner his mom could sell hot
dogs on after the club lets out.”

“That’s Figueroa and Normandie.” – Earl Skakel 

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Regulation is too close to call. The audience is split, so
we go to one more joke. 

“Marquez is so gay, he refuses to come out of the closet
until his dad calls it a ‘wardrobe.’”

“Gary tries to act hood, but he’s light skinned. If he had a
street name, it would be SPF 50.”

Overtime flops, but the crowd is still on their side. Gary
edges Marquez out for the applause vote and takes his first win. This is a
super fun battle to watch. Some of the jokes are a little flabby, and there’s a
few rookie mistakes made, for sure, but I can see a promising Battle career for
both of these guys. 

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The next undercard is…well, it isn’t. Jennifer Gable is
nowhere to be found as she is summoned to the stage, so Jasmin Leigh becomes
the night’s second winner merely by default. We might not get any jokes, but
Jasmin’s body-suit camel-toe game is on point as she dances with the Wave, so
there’s that, at least. It’s worth pointing out that Jennifer eventually
returned, but too late for her battle. Was it cowardice or a misunderstanding?
Maybe she’ll show up for her next fight and we’ll find out.

Unfortunately for the audience, the next four competitors DO
show up, as the Virzi Triplets and Casey Moran make an attempt at a battle.

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This is, to my knowledge, the first 3-on-1 battle in the
show’s history. The crowd is noticeably skeptical as the Triplets take the
stage. Novelty and theatrics can be tricky when handled poorly, and this is not
the last time tonight that strategy will backfire. After some tepid pre-fight
banter, the battle begins.

“Casey’s face is so greasy and beat up. It’s been through
more than my mom’s pussy.”

“The Triplets work in construction. They’re stoked to work
with Mexicans because it’s the only time they don’t look like midgets.”

“Casey has depression, and his comedy has helped a lot of
people with depression…finally kill themselves.”

“I do have a depressive disorder and I do think about
suicide often, but nothing makes me want to kill myself more than watching the
Triplets do stand-up.”

“Casey’s been inside more children than Flintstone’s
vitamins.”

“My favorite Virzi is the 4th one that died in
the womb because it’s the first and last time these three have ever killed.” 

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Yikes. The judges are pretty rough on these four.

“I never thought I’d say this, but I think I wanna hear Pat
Regan sing that song again.” – Nick Youssef

“The most embarrassing thing is that every one of those
jokes was looked over by at least two other people.” – Mike Lawrence

In the end, the crowd sides with Casey, perhaps on the merit
that at least he only had one person’s worth of a bad set as opposed to three.

Our final undercard sees Leah Knauer take down grumpy
grandpa Scott Boxenbaum!

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It’s been a big week for Leah, since just today her year of
pestering Kevin Smith for a role in Mallrats 2 finally paid off!
Congratulations Leah. Ironically enough, her jokes in this battle are a lot
like Kevin’s filmography; there’s a couple good ones that help you forget how
shitty the rest of them are.

The crowd is in a bit of a hole going into this fight after
the Triplet debacle. Leah twerks onstage, which rallies the audience a bit, and
Earl gets a punch in on Scott after his very confident pre-roast zinger eats a
fat dick. The room is coming back to life as the bell rings. 

“Leah is a butterface. The rest of her is pure lard.”

“Scott’s so Jewish whenever you mention the Holocaust, all
he hears is ‘cost.’”

“All of Leah’s ex-boyfriends are now gay. She’s really good
at making guys cum…out of the closet.”

“Ooh, Scott Boxen-BOMB. Scott, the only way anybody will
ever know your name is if somebody at UCB accuses you of rape.”

“Leah once got so drunk, she blew a .325. That’s how ugly
the guy is.”

“Scott, I don’t know what’s been a bigger failure; your
comedy career or your dead brother’s kidneys.”

“Leah’s so white her HPV is in the KKK.”

“Scott does real estate and comedy, so there’s two kinds of
premises he can never sell.” 

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Scott’s jokes all miss. Leah goes 2-4. Scott’s first fat
joke is inaccurate and turns the audience against him, and he’s never really
able to recover. Leah takes the easy win as we head into the main event.

“For me this show’s all about consistency, and the way Scott
consistently failed was really impressive.” – Mike Lawrence, looking for a silver
lining 

In a surprisingly underwhelming title match, Alex Hooper
defends the belt against Jay Light.

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Jay takes the stage first, escorted to the stage by “Donald
Trump” himself! Okay, not really, that’s actually Tyler Meznarich, Jay’s
co-host at the Hyperion Tavern open mic. While his Trump has crushed with
audiences before, the crowd seems less than thrilled to see Tangerine Hitler. 

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Alex Hooper’s introduction is hard to see from my spot in the back, but it
appears to be some sort of Mandingo fighter situation. It goes on a bit too
long, and the judges in particular seem annoyed with the showboating.
Expectations are high as the bell rings.

ROUND 1

“Alex is from Baltimore, home of ‘The Wire.’ Unfortunately
for his parents, not the home of the wire hanger.”

“I’d like to thank Jay for being here. Although really, I
should thank the old man that wished upon a star for him to become a real boy.”

“Alex has two dogs that are rescues, but his gilfriend’s a
hostage.”

“Jay used to drink alcohol so people would like him. Now
he’s sober, and we still don’t like him.”

“When Alex was 21, he fucked a 54 year old. I’m not
surprised, elderly women love prunes.”

“Jay didn’t qualify for college scholarships, but his lips
got a full ride to Howard University.”

The first round is promising, with each battler scoring two
big hits and one miss. Bert Kreischer calls it a draw, praising the Pinocchio
joke in particular. Nick goes with Alex, Mike takes Jay, and we move into Round
2.

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ROUND 2

“Jay’s lips are so puffy, they changed their name to Diddy.”

“Jay’s such a nerd, when a girl asked him to fill up her box
he completed a sudoku.”

“You’re so boring. You look like a newspaper fucked a CVS
receipt.”

“The other day I thought I heard Alex outside my apartment.
Turns out they’re just repaving the sidewalk.”

“Alex’s voice is so hoarse, little girls want it for their
birthday.”

“Alex isn’t gay, but he just came out…of the microwave.”

Jay whiffs it in Round 2, with a mixture of poor timing, a
fumbled joke, and audio issues combining to dig him a substantial hole. Alex’s
jokes hit somewhat harder, but by this point the judges and Moses himself are
vocally disappointed in the fight taking place.

“You’re giving so much confidence to shitty comics who think
they can do this, and that is a bad thing.” – Mike Lawrence 

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ROUND 3

“Alex said the N-word on this stage, but he’s not racist.
He’s just as ugly as racism.”

“Jay’s dad’s a surgeon which explains why most of his jokes
die on the table in front of him.”

“Nice one, Weird Al Suck-A-Dick. I don’t know if Alex is a conspiracy theorist, but jet fuel
did melt his face.”

“Thank you, Simon Birch.”

“You’re welcome, Sham Kinison.”

“Jay looks like he can calculate the
amount of girls his fraternity raped.”

“Alex’s headshot is just a sheet of sandpaper.”

“Good one, Jonathan Limp-dicki. Jay likes to put his glasses
on audience members. They don’t need to wear your glasses. They can hear how
shitty you are.”

“Alex looks like Doc Brown went back to the future and got
rabies.”

“Thanks, Buddy Holly we wish crashed into a mountain. Jay
cheated on his last girlfriend. She found out because it took him six hours to
get the cum off his lips.”

“My lips are big and appealing. Your skin is just peeling.”

“That’s because unlike you, Jay, I didn’t spend half my life
shoved in a locker.”

“Whatever, post-apocalyptic Troll Doll.”

“MAKE THEM SUCK EACH OTHER’S DICKS!” – Bert Kreischer

By the end of round 3, we’ve lost the structure a bit, and
Jay and Alex are in a bloody, bare-knuckle comedy fistfight. They’re throwing
jokes outside of regulation, and the crowd is feeling it more than the prepared
material. The energy wakes the room up, and even though the fight preceding it
was not one of the best, round 3 has the down-and-dirty energy we expected from
this battle. The judges take Alex in the end, rewarding his sharper writing and
his quickness on the fly. The champion remains Alex Hooper. 

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In closing, I’m going to preface this final statement by
saying the opinions presented here are my own and not those of the Report at
large. Title fights have historically not been particularly exceptional
throughout the history of the show. Hooper v Dosch and Kayajanian v Barker are notable
exceptions, but the others have all been anywhere from “fine” to
“disappointing.” In trying to figure out why that is, I’ve come to the
conclusion that there’s a certain blend of heightened expectations and
pre-battle nerves that seem to affect these fights in a negative way. Alex and
Jay are two of the most consistent destroyers the show has to offer, but
tonight simply wasn’t their night. Perhaps we’ll see an end to this trend soon,
as word on the street is Hooper will be defending the belt once again from a
fan favorite battler in the near future. But for now, the battle is done, the
crowd’s gone home, and there’s nothing left to do except make Frank Castillo
clean up after the Wave.

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Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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