by Tony Bartolone

Trump’s America: Day 14. Road to Roast Battle is shot, and being prepared to hit your airwaves in 2017. No battlers have been deported YET, but we’re still hopeful some of the bad ones get the boot. The protests have all been broken up, smothered or just kinda fell apart. We’re looking forward to continuing our First Amendment rights in live in the Belly Room every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future. With just one judge in tow tonight – the Roastmaster General Jeff Ross – we’re rip-roarin’ and ready to rumble. Let’s Roast!

First up, we’ve got Jeremy Bassett versus Joe McAvoy. It’s the battle of Pauly Shore’s Son in Law versus the Father of the Bride. This should be an interesting battle between first time battlers, but seasoned comics. Jeremy has a straightforward observational style, while Joe has an everyman presence paired with bizarre rhythm and anti-joke material. To be completely honest, I’ve never understood Joe’s comedy, but there are times I find myself laughing my fuckin’ head off watching him. He’s like a savant. It’s as if Forrest Gump and Steven Wright had a “Junior” baby, but’s not as funny as either of them. We’ll see if he can translate his off-kilter comedy to roasting or if Bassett will send him into retirement, where he looks like he belongs. Expect a strange one.

Speaking of strange, our next match is a rare roast battle first: a three-on-three stable match. In perhaps one of the most anticipated battles of the year, meatball meatheads The Virzi Triplets try to crash the official battle debut of The All Negro Wave. This is something more apropos of West Side Story than Roast Battle, which means we’re in for a theatrical treat. And much like VP-elect Mike Pence, I love theater. The Virzi Triplets are some of the worst yet somehow most entertaining competitors in the history of the show. They should spend less time in the gym and more time on the jokes. I’m not one hundred percent sure any of them are literate. Which you also might think of Jamar and Haiti from The Wave, but Jamar has TV writing credits and Haiti passed the USCIS test to become a citizen, so don’t judge a book by their wack-ass vernacular. Not to mention, these two dudes spend plenty of time in the gym and are still funny af. This is guaranteed to be high octane entertainment and features the much anticipated in-ring debut of Jeremiah Watkins. Expect some otherworldly antics from this extravaganza of an undercard.

Speaking of otherworldly, this battle features some roast stars from our neighbor to the south, Temecula. Candiss Veree and Will Holland have made a name for themselves in the recently ended Roast Wars, one of the many Roast Battle rip off shows currently happening (or in this case, no longer happening) all over the world. We’ve been seeing an influx of comics coming up to LA, as the violent Roast Wars is now over. Welcome to Trump’s America. Candiss made some noise when she debuted in the Belly Room, taking out fellow LA-hopeful, Tommy Lucero. She looks like she does milf porn, but as a consummate sports journalist I’ve done my research. As far as I can tell, she does not do milf porn. If you have information to the contrary, proving that Candiss Veree is in fact in milf porn, e-mail links to [email protected] Will always has his arm out in this pose onstage, as if to say, “Am I doing this right? Am I a comedian? Do I just suck?” We will get an answer tonight. Will these two prove their right to be on this grand stage or will they be shipped back to wherever the fuck they’re from?

Speaking of wherever-they’re-from, we have Alfred Konuwa taking on Wade Wammer an all OC battle coming hot off the Election. I’d like to be angry with the OC about Trump getting elected as they have always leaned right, but this election actually saw them flip and support Hillary. There’s your Politico fun fact for the day. Alfred looks like MLK’s retarded little brother. He had a dream too, it was to be born without down syndrome. Wade plays at clubs all over Irvine. He looks like he’s claymation, but he will never be nearly successful enough to be on Celebrity Death Match. He’s a one-liner comic with something to prove, and Alfred has been fighting to find his footing on the battle stage with inconsistent yet impressive performances.

Speaking of impressive performances, this next battle between Matt LeGrande and Danielle Perez has match of the night written all over it. Pictured above we see Matt giving back alley abortions in the near future once Trump defunds PP and outlaws women. Both these battlers had arguable the best debuts next to Corey Charron’s impressive impression of Slim Shady in 8 Mile. Matt has continued to deliver with not many missteps, and Danielle has certainly started off on the right foot. What I’m saying is she has put her best foot forward. Her career as a roaster has legs. She’s kicking ass and taking parking spaces. Between her handicap and her weight I’m not even sure how she got to the stage, unless there was some complicated system of pulleys and levers. We see her above reacting to everything I just wrote. Physically, these two are polar opposites, but personality wise Danielle should def be Matt’s faghag. It makes way too much sense not to be true. These two were made for each other. It’s gonna get real sassy tonight!

Speaking of sassy match of the night, here’s another contender. Here we see Lonnie Johnson kidnapping a child, and Jasmin Leigh with some sorta rare moldy hair virus. Jasmin is coming fresh off shooting her TV debut on Road to Roast Battle, and Lonnie is bringing a 2 win undefeated streak to the party. Jasmin’s Belly Room bout against the whitest black person you know, Courtney Banks, was lit af. Lonnie Johnson has his biggest challenge to date in this badass lesbian clown, but I’m giving him the edge. No matter who wins, both these battlers are losing Obama, so as always the only real winners are rich white people. Hold on to your hats folks, this is sure to be a no-holds-barred, laugh-out-loud, slam-dunk, homerun bloodsport!

Speaking of bloodsport, our last match of the night has Comedy Store employee of the month Jay Light going door-to-door with formerly employed Tre’ Stewart. These two door guys have a lot of history, and it’s great to see the long-absent Tre’ Stewart back in action. We’d all love for Jerron Horton to break his streak of inactivity, but I’ll take Tre’ in the meantime. Jay looks like the leader of the alt-right battling the communities he wants to destroy. If Tre’ wants to dive back into batttling, he’s got a helluva opportunity tonight.

It’s a packed night of battles so get there early because the Belly Room with packed as well. Let’s enjoy this before president-elect shuts down the Comedy Store and outlaws comedy and we’re forced to do the show in the desert in some underground bunker. Actually, that sounds really fuckin’ cool. See you all tonight!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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