Tuesday started out with a light and tired energy in the room but blossomed into a fun night for all. The panel of judges included Frank Castillo, Jeff Ross, Krystyna Hutchinson, Kurt Metzger, and the very missed Saudi Prince. After a short hiatus, he’s back and better than ever.
The first battle of the night begins with Christian Senrud being brought to the stage. The Roast Battle virgin is asked why he is battling Garrett Ulrich. He replies, “He’s like a more successful version of me so I’d like to bring him down a few pegs.” Garrett is brought up next to defend himself: “Mushrooms are the only interesting thing Christian has ever done.” Garrett offers to go first, and the battle begins.
“Christian needs his dog to pick up women. He needs it to pick up the scent of the ones that escape their cages.”
“Good one, Fiona Adam’s Apple. Garrett looks like a pro wrestler with clinical depression. Sulk Hogan.”
“Thank you, Stony Hawk. Christian looks like Wolverine if he joined the without sex men… and his superpower was being a complete loser.”
“Good one, lesbian Fabio. Look at these high cheekbones and flush red lips. You look like a sex doll mid-transition.”
“Excuse him, he has brain damage from surviving the trailer park abortion. Christian’s job is doing social media for Vans skateboarding. He has a ton of experience filming young boys doing tricks in his van.”
“Garrett’s jokes are a lot like his daughter. They’re short, dumb, and only his half the time.”
Our firing squad weighs in, the audience takes a vote, and Christian wins his first ever victory. I’d say Roast Battle victory but by looking at him, I think that was his first ever life victory.
The second battle of the night begins with bringing up the very green but visually pleasing Mimi Pabon. When asked why she is battling Jamario McClain, she replies, “I think he’s lost about five times. I’m playing for the odds.” Next, Jamario is brought up and decides to open with “I have to get this off my chest. I have an 8-ball to sell for $160,” which gets a big laugh. Jamar comes up as the only member of the Wave around to give him a high five. Jamario continues, “I want to battle her because I want to smash.” This gets another laugh. At least he’s honest.
Host Brian Moses quickly remarks, “this battle is below the 10 freeway.” You can add that to the list of things Moses says that never get enough recognition or crowd reaction. Seriously, next time watch out for it. He really has some of the greatest zingers that people overlook. Let’s Roast!
“When you see Mimi on stage, you can’t tell which is more sloppy: her material or her cameltoe.”
“Jamario, you look like the broke Wayans brother that never made it.”
“Mimi’s pussy is like a seashell: when you put it up to your ear, you can smell the ocean.”
“You look like you only eat your food with spears.”
“Mimi is Puerto Rican. I don’t know which got ravaged more by the hurricane: Puerto Rico or her pussy got fucked by spears.”
“Jamario, I may be from the South. But in the south, they know how to pull out. How many kids you got already?”
Mimi’s first joke doesn’t get a laugh, but her spear joke gets the biggest laugh of the battle. Although Jamario’s first two jokes do very well, his Puerto Rico joke takes the biggest dip.
“Yeah, I’m Jamar. That’s Jamario.” – Jamar Neighbors
“Those are chocolate cheerios. Jamario’s.” – Jeff Ross
The judges deliberate and compliment Mimi’s spear joke. The audience votes and goes with Mimi as well.
Ramon Hernandez is now brought on stage to take on Cole Alexander. His response to the “why battle” question is, “It’s the Tuesday after Fourth of July. I don’t recycle so I’m going to take the white trash out, baby.” He’s wearing a “Make America Mexico Again” hat, and Jeff points it out. The crowd laughs about it for a moment. For Cole’s introduction to why he is battling Ramon, he says, “I’m actually doing this for his wife, because if he’s here battling me, he can’t be cheating on her again.” Moses says, “Damn, that’s some snitchy shit.” This gets a laugh. Ramon goes first.
“That’s true. I did cheat on my wife. Me and her, we’re trying to patch things up. You and your girlfriend are trying to tuck things back.”
Cole’s girlfriend starts yelling from the back: “I don’t have a dick! Hello?”
“You’re just jealous that me and my trans girlfriend don’t have to go to couples counseling twice a week. Ramon looks like when he cums he yells ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!’ and his wife yells ‘cheating bastard!’”
“Cole is dating a trans woman right now. I don’t know where you find more balls: at the golf course you work out, or between your lady’s legs.”
“Good one, Jose Rogan. Ramon’s marriage is like the Tour de France it was doing just fine until this chemotherapy patient had to destroy everyone’s trust.”
“Nice one, KKGay. Cole spends all his money on booze. He can’t even afford to pay his utilities, that’s why he looks white powerless.”
“Ramon’s Mexican but the only wall being built to keep Him out are the emotional ones made by children.”
Cole’s girlfriend Cassie is summoned to the stage. She grabs the microphone and says, “Let me make this fucking clear. I got a pussy, everybody. There are no more fucking balls. I work my ass off. Comedy should be based in reality.” In the most mic drop move ever, she then walks off the stage.
The firing squad comes in hot after Cassie’s rant.
“Everyone listen to Melania Trump.” – Saudi Prince
“She’s got a pussy, alright. His name is Cole.” – Frank Castillo.
The judges and the audience deliberate and it’s a decisive draw. They’re both winners! More importantly, they’re both losers.
Next up, it’s guy on guy action with Lou Vahram and Todd Walker. Lou is brought to the stage first and when asked why he is battling Todd, Lou says, “Well, he’s Jersey trash. His family is from Thailand. I’ve always wanted to battle a crazy, poor, Asian.” Todd is brought up shortly after and said, “I’m from Jersey. He’s just tired of the Jersey people stealing all the Philadelphia women, dude.” Don’t worry. Everyone is as confused as you are. Lou goes first.
“Todd’s a half Asian skater. They were going to offer him a part in Lords of Dogtown but they were afraid he’d try to eat the dog.”
“Lou’s like Shia LaBeouf if he found a magic lamp and then beat himself in the face with it.”
“Todd has a lot of energy because he’s always drinking monsters…and those are just the women he likes to fuck.”
“If I had a dollar every time Lou was funny, I’d have enough money to fuck his sister. Zero dollars!”
“Thank you, Steve Burnout. Todd has a tattoo of a three eyed fox and even that weird ass animal can’t foresee a universe where you’re a funny comedian.”
“They say that inbreeding causes mental retardation, but that’s not completely true. Lou also looks retarded.”
My favorite part of when Lou battles is Jeff Ross always asks him if he’s okay and Lou always assures everyone that he is. Brian Moses assures everyone, “He’s fine, he has no guns. He can’t come back and kill us.” Very mediocre performances and jokes out of these two this time around. Todd Walker may have won the battle, but something tells me he will never take the fight out of Lou’s heart.
Next up, we had some girl on girl action with Deirdre Devlin and Mia Mars. Mia is brought up first with the theatrics: she is wearing a fur coat and carrying around a fake award. Moses asks Mia why she is battling Deirdre. She replies, “For the trophy. Mostly, I need to win as badly as she needs to lose.” After Moses brings Deirdre up by saying she is “an Emmy Award-winning person”, it can be assumed the award Mia is supposed to be a fake emmy, but it is never confirmed or denied. She tells us she wants to battle Mia because she “always wanted to battle Betty Boop on lexapro.” Deirdre goes first.
“Mia, you look like you cum cobwebs.”
“Are you calling me a witch? At least I know how to write a broomstick. Dee is a lot like a horse: she has big teeth, she’s won an award, and she only lets rich guys ride her.”
“Good one coming from someone whose first words were double double toil and trouble. Mia, you have the body of a 12-year-old girl and the face of the elderly witch who’s trying to steal her youth.”
“At least I’m not basic. Honey, you look like you bought your personality at Forever 21, and if you ever wrote a suicide note it would probably have an emoji.”
“Mia, you look like Wednesday Addams if she barely survived Chernobyl.”
“I thought you went to USC. You should know that the Addams Family are good ol fashioned Americans. Ok, this one is going to be good. You look like the Grinch that stole somebody’s scholarship to USC.”
“Mia, you look like your parents bribed your way into Hogwarts.”
“I’m still prettier.”
The panel of judges deliberate and are pretty evenly split between the two of them. The audience can’t decide either so the two go into overtime. Mia goes first.
“Deirdre won an Emmy for writing a Robot Chicken episode. She wrote the whole script on her forehead.”
“Yeah, I won an Emmy. You couldn’t win an Emmy for your outstanding performance as Grandpa Munster.”
Mia clearly gets more laughs in these overtime jokes. Mia then begins yelling “They’re all spooky jokes!” and Brian comes back to his hosting duties while saying “Don’t say spooky when I walk up to the stage.” There goes another underrated hilarious comment from our host. Mia wins!
Next up, Julian Fernandez is brought up in our final battle and only main event against lonely toothpick Quentin Thomas. When asked why he is battling Quentin, Julian says, “Well, my last battle was against a butch lesbian. I figured I’d keep that trend going.” Quentin is brought up next and said, “Motherfucker, who’s the real butch lesbian here? I’m battling Julian because he’s a mexican the size of the wall. Which makes sense because he can’t get over himself.” In deliberating over who will go first, Julian says, Let Quentin go first. He’s gotta get outta here early to go flail in front of car dealerships.”
“Julian does impressions. For example, right now he’s doing an impression of a 28 year old loser who still lives with his mom.”
“I’m 27. That’s a great joke coming from someone with resting virgin face. Quentin is 6’4”, stiff, and suicidal. You’re like a tree that wants to cut itself down.”
“Julian is just upset because my Robin Williams impression is better than his. Julian looks like the only hulk that doesn’t smash.”
“Quentin’s last relationship was long distance. She was in Sacramento and he was outside in the bushes.”
“You guys know I can’t fit in bushes logistically. Julian has a barcode tattooed on his wrist. But you don’t have to scan it to know he’s worthless.”
Now getting everyone involved in his sadistic “he’s so worthless” chant, you can tell Quentin has taken this opportunity to be the coolest he has ever been in his life. Everyone in the room obliges and yells “he’s so worthless!” in jubilant unison. In Quentin’s own words, “Chantmaster Autistic Thunder walked, so I could run.” Julian took it very well: smiling and dancing. He danced like the two rebellious bugs in the 1998 hit movie Antz. Most of you may not get that reference, but the ones that do will not only understand, but love it. So thank you to those true heroes of the world that remember the things that matter in life. Julian continues with his last joke.
“Anyways, back to this piece of shit. Quentin used to be in an abusive relationship, but in her defense he did force her to watch his stand up. #Whostherealvictim”
This was a great battle to watch. Both of these guys were loose, confident, and brought their A game in terms of joke writing. However, Quentin edged it out with that barcode joke. Quentin Thomas wins!
See you next Tuesday, ya cunts.