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by Tony Bartolone

The trip to New York gave us two victories, but ultimately ended in the loss of the championship belt. Earl Sakel has sworn to fly to New York and win back the strap for Los Angeles, so it seems as if the East Coast/West Coast beef continues. Tonight it’s Tuesday, and that means it’s Battle night in the Belly Room. Let’s meet our judges.

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We’ve got one of our favorite Korean treats, Steve Byrne. You know him from Sullivan and Son, he’s got three hour-long specials and his fourth will be out on Showtime on April 7, but he’s always at his brutal best sitting on the judges’ dais in the Belly Room. Then there’s the Johnny Cash of Comedy, The Sultan of Smack, The Bearer of Burns, The King of Zing, The Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. Let’s roast!

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First up, we’ve got some black-on-black crime as Terrence Newman is looking for his first win against one-battle wonder David Lucas. Here we see the self-proclaimed Mayor of Echo Park performing is his own backyard, presumably because he couldn’t get booked elsewhere. Terrence is a popular staple of the Eastside comedy scene, and a founder of the legendary underground comedy club, Echoes Under Sunset. David’s only trip in the ring so far saw him engaging in a back-and-forth with drop-in judge Corey Feldman that helped swing the decision in his favor. Terrence hasn’t stepped into the ring in a while, and due to no demand whatsoever, he’s back. Terrence is a drummer, which gives you a good idea of who he is a person: replaceable. We’ll see if the mayor will be signing executive orders or his own death warrant.

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Next up, we’ve got the battle of Los Angeles County, as San Gabriel Valley boy Ricky Macias goes head-to-head with Montebello’s own Frank Estrada. Here we see Frank armed with bow and arrow. In his mind, he is a superhero on a CW show. In reality, he’s a huge geek. Ricky Macias once booked me for a bar show in Lakewood that took me three buses to get to, so I’m obviously rooting for him. Both of these dudes look like they have been the subjects of a police sketch artist. Ricky looks like he’s a couple years off from joining Frank’s mariachi band that plays in front of a mariscos restaurant on Sundays. I’d wager dickholes to doughnuts that they both love Morrisey. This might be a good battle. They look like they could be close friends, if not cousins. Let’s just hope Frank has got some jokes in his quiver and this doesn’t just turn into a heated game of Magic: The Gathering.

In our third undercard, Caesar Lizardo attempts to capitalize on the momentum of his last victory by taking out Anne Flagg. Flagg is from Victorville, and I’m not sure if Victorville has a flag, but if they did it’d just be a rattlesnake wrapped around a can of bud light. Anne has had a bit of a rough run in Roast Battle, but she keeps coming back swinging. We’ll see if she’ll be able to turn it around tonight and defeat this pirate of the Caribbean. Caesar isn’t exactly invisible, but his last battle was an impressive step in the right direction. In his last appearance, Caesar did a character that seemed to be specific to that particular battle, but after the success of it we’ll see if he tries to pull off something similar tonight. Whatever happens, it is sure to be fun to watch some Hispanic dude (or whatever) beat up on a cute white chick. Who knows, she may just make Caesar her bitch tonight.

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Our next undercard pits Cleveland raised Rob O’Reilly against Philly’s own Sean Green. Sean Green started the legendary LA show, Comedy Garage, which was the subject of a 2011 documentary. Every picture of Sean performing looks like he’s giving a best man speech at a wedding with a casual dress code. He looks like Rob’s uncle. Rob O’Reilly runs the weekly Peachy Keen Comedy Show at Bar Lubitsch in West Hollywood. The last time we saw Rob he suffered a loss to Andy Haynes, who went on to do the Regionals of Roast Battle on Comedy Central. This should be a solid between two comedy veterans.

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In our final undercard, Danielle Perez seeks to run down Hana Michels. Danielle Perez has had an uneven presence since her dynamite debut. Hana Michels handily defeated Steven Alan Green, despite one of his better performances, in her first and only appearance so far. This has the potential to be a great battle. These competitors are friends and have plenty of things to be roasted on. On looks alone, Hana is small and frail and Danielle has no legs. Will Danielle Pistorius Hana? Or will Hana find Danielle’s Achilles’ heel?

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Our first main event is a one round, five joke, fight to the finish featuring the undefeated Albert Escobedo and the defeated Guam Felix. Here’s Albert performing on a subway in South Korea, which has to be the biggest tragedy involving trains to ever take place. Albert is one of the friendliest faces in Roast Battle, and Guam’s pudgy baby face makes this look like a battle to see who’s going to be the new model for an ethnically ambiguous burger mascot. But be there no mistake, Guam is the big boy. Don’t underestimate these guys based on looks, they can battle with the best of them. Albert, in particular, has the record for longest undefeated streak for a faggot. A record Guam himself once held. This pair of ethnic enigmas will be leaving it all in the ring for our entertainment.

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The final battle of the night should be a three round, pound-for-pound, punch-for-punchline bloodbath when ex-heroin addict Dan Nolan takes on alcoholic Doug Fager. Doug looks like the kind of guy who only rapes Asain chicks. Dan looks like the type of guy who would roofie himself. These two addictive personalities will clash in a display of pure verbal violence. Doug is becoming one of the most feared battlers in the Belly Room, and Dan is well established as one of the best writers in the game. Both these battlers are looking at the brass ring of Comedy Central’s season 3 of Roast Battle. Both battlers have supplied jokes for the past two seasons without stepping into the spotlight themselves. Doug’s last battle against Pat Barker ended in a sudden death punch out earning them a rare double-win. Dan is concise, experienced and ready to take down the indomitable Midwest powerhouse that is Doug Fager. It’ll be a fun, furious fight, and a fantastic night of battles overall.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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