It’s Tuesday night at the Comedy Store, which means another set of wide-eyed misfits puts it all on the line to yell insults and their friends, and hopefully get some praise from the judges.

Tonight would be important to bring it, because on murderer’s row, we have the Roastmaster himself, Jeff Ross! Alongside him are Sam Jay (SNL writer, Comedy Central Half Hour), and Keith Carey (Comedy Central’s Roast Battle). The firing squad tonight can hit from any angle. Jeff is the OG, Keith’s quick, new blood, and Sam doesn’t spit the traditional roast joke, but she can bite. Last time Sam judged, she hit people in a way nobody had before, sometimes just summing up their essence, and who they are, in a sentence. Cold blooded.

First on the chopping block is Alex Gettlin versus Willie Simon. Alex, the unemployed hit man, had a decent battle last time he stepped into the ring. This time around his taking on Willie Simon, who looks like he says things like, “fuck no, bro, I only blaze concentrates.” Hopefully, these two were able to take time away from the Postmates blitz to write some bangers. In all seriousness, both seem like decent comics and this battle will probably be a lot of fun.

The third undercard is Dylan Sullivan versus Kelsey Lane. This lesbian better be nice to Dylan, because he’s already sipping the school shooter cocktail by not having Facebook. Get a Facebook you jazz hands looking motherfucker. Kelsey, be careful: when he holds the door open for you and says, “my-lady” you’re supposed to recognize that as courtship, and Dylan’s undying love for you. He will murder you. Not on stage, but like, in real life.

Next up is David Centofanti versus Karina Beltran. Neither of them has Facebook either. Even terrorists have Facebook. You think they’re selling your precious information or something? David, your pinned tweet has three favorites, nobody cares about your info. Get a Facebook, you’ll have a couple thousand friends like everybody else. Karina only has an Instagram that looks like it was made by a hooker after Backpage went down. Her follower to following ratio is on point, though. She also has a crush on a young Robert De Niro, so she has good taste. Girls can do whatever, but these fellas that don’t have Facebook are freaks. Beat it!

In the last undercard of the night, Zach Stein takes on Dan Nolan. This will likely be the undercard of the night. Zach has plenty of battle experience, but not like Dan who is easily in the top five for most battles. This will be a challenge for Zach, not because he’s not funny, but because he’s a big, dumb, gay, retard. Dan still has his work cut out for him because; he’s also a big, goofy, dumb ass. These funny idiots better bring it!

In the Main Event tonight, Joe Eurell takes on Brian McDaniel. Joe has been red hot for a while now. He just participated, in what could be, the battle of the year about a month ago against Robin Tran. This is a big battle for Brian. He has been getting in the ring nonstop. With each battle he’s gotten better. Taking out Joe would be big for him. What a show, huh? A guy taking time out of his life to construct jokes about a someone who can hardly move his body at all, could potentially, skyrocket his reputation. What a world we live in. Let’s Roast!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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