It’s Tuesday and you know what that means. It means it’s time for the slander extravaganza that is Roast Battle! It’s our last show before taking a couple of weeks off for various TV tapings.
We’ve got a jam-packed bunch of judges ready to rumble and roll out their hate. Sean White will no doubt be belligerent as he passes judgment in his charming slurred Southern accent. Joining him will be the double trouble tag team twins known as the Sklar Brothers. We’ve also got the founder of Austin, TX’s iconic Spite Club roast show and current enemy of ICE, Jake Flores, rolling through from New York City. And rounding out the dais will be the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross. Let’s roast!
In the first undercard of the night, Carlos Balasquide throws down with Kali.
Carlos Balasquide AKA Puerto Rican Papi (self-proclaimed) looks like a bartender whose special is the Rohypnol Colada. I’ve never heard of this dude, which is not a great sign for Roast Battle aptitude. He looks like he free-bases Rock Star energy drink, while Kali looks like she’s sucked dick for a few rocks of Skittles. Kali is a Dominican who likes to do characters, which is interesting because it was merely two weeks ago that another Dominican attempted to do a character. That stunt resulted in a complete cringe fest bomb-a-thon and a loss to New York. Former New Yorker Kali at least has some kind of presence in the comedy scene, but that doesn’t say too much for her actual performance potential. I have low hopes for this double virgin sacrifice, but this show is always full of surprises.
Next up, in a “loser gets put in a home” match, Joey Gaynor takes on Steven Alan Green.
Steven Alan Green has had a mixed past with Roast Battle, “mixed” being a nice way of saying mostly horrible. I am actually a fan of Steve Alan Green in the Belly Room Battledome, but I am in the minority. The moment that really sums him up is when he “switched sides” in his battle with Leah Knauer and started roasting himself. He dominated in his last battle, and he’s finally decided to pick on somebody his own age. Joey Gaynor, along with Green, has his name painted on the infamous Comedy Store wall. That certainly gives us a reason to expect good things from these geezers tonight, but this show is always full of surprises.
Our final undercard is a match featuring Micah Bleich and Ernie Stone.
Micah Bleich is a mountain of doughy nerd-Jew, and Ernie Stone looks like he calls his premature ejaculation a dishonorable discharge. Ernie could be cast to play Micah in a terrible made for TV movie about the invention of sex robots. Ernie is in real estate, which you have to respect: a guy who sells houses while living in a run-down studio. Both these schlubs have cute Asian wives that will be going on a double date tonight with two much more attractive men. Ernie has been MIA in the Belly Room for quite some time, but we’ll never forget how Heather Marulli savagely castrated him so long ago. Micah has yet to be beat, but Ernie has only been beat. Looks like a slaughter with a slight chance of upset.
Topping off the night, it’s a five-joke main event between Paige Wesley and Zach Stein.
Paige Wesley has taken a few rough defeats so you can also expect her to be hungry. Zach Stein, on the other hand, is on a bit of hot streak. He also looks he just stopped breastfeeding. To the best of knowledge, this will be Zach’s first five-joke main event, which gives Paige the experience advantage. However, Zach has really seemed to come into his own as of late, serving up KO’s against Dan Nolan and Andrea Guzzetta. Those are two tough opponents that nobody would’ve predicted he’d topple. It’s Richie Rich if he spent all his money on prostitutes taking on Melissa McCarthy if she were a dominatrix. It’s anybody’s ballgame in this one, but one thing is for sure, it’ll be one helluva punch-for-punchline brawl.