by Jay Light
As LA begins to sweat in the summertime heat, Roast Battle remains the coolest room in town – though you wouldn’t know it, sitting in the perpetually sweltering Belly Room while the AC cranks on overdrive. These jokes are just too firey! And, boy, are they ever going to be scorching tonight. The six matches on the docket are eagerly anticipated, with two rescheduled bouts, a handful of popped Battle cherries, and a top 10 fight on top of it.
Before we get to the battlers, let’s get to know our judges – all veterans of both the VIP section and Deadline Hollywood’s cancellations section.
Kirk Fox, amateur Periscope sleuth and veteran Roast Battle judge, is as hilarious as he is tall. There are a whole lot of jokes kept hidden in those lanky limbs. Eddie Ifft, returns after serving as a judge during last month’s title fight between Leah Kayajanian (6-3-1, #3) and current champ Alex Hooper (8-2, #1), ready to bring back the ball-busting that fans of his podcast “Talking Shit” are so familiar with. Joe DeRosa, a Better Call Saul scene-stealer and the only member of tonight’s panel who has stepped into the ring himself, is always welcome in the Belly Room. Fingers crossed that he can sneak in yet another reference to Sarah Tiana giving him a blowjob.
First up on tonight’s fight card, we have Ethan Stanislawski (0-1, Unranked) versus Kelly McInerney (0-0, Unranked)!
Ethan, seen here auditioning to play “Sad Hockey Fan #6″, hasn’t battled in a bit. In his lone battle against Parker Searfoss (1-1, Unranked), he proved that he had the writing chops it takes to make it as a battler, even if he stuttered and fumbled his way through the actual bout. Kelly, comedienne and amateur Spice Girl impersonator, is the first of many Roast Battle virgins stepping into the ring tonight. Girls have a great track record, so let’s see if Kelly can continue the estrogen hot streak – or if Ethan will harness his own hormones in his second fight.
Next up, we have former acid dealer Kyle Gridley (1-1, Unranked) versus current baby daddy Tony Asar (0-0, Unranked)!
Kyle and Tony are part of the wave of comics coming to Roast Battle from Orange County and the Inland Empire, but they are relatively unproven in the ring. Gentle giant Kyle has had his share of success – and whopping failure – in the heat of the battle, but tonight he has a chance to turn the tide and come out with a winning record. Tony, another newbie, looks to leave the kid gloves at home with his actual kid. However, history isn’t on his side – black battlers have a notoriously bad track record. Will he buck the trend?
Then, Ashton Swinford (0-0, Unranked) bounces off the disabled list to take on world’s proudest Bostonian Mark Stevens (2-0, #40)!
Glad the cast of the new live action Beauty & The Beast can stop by to swing at each other tonight! Ashton and Mark were originally slated to battle last month, though a drunk driver kept Ashton out of the ring. However, she’s finally healed up, stepping out of her neck brace and into the Roast Battle ring for the first time. Mark “The Shark” Stevens roasts with manic, intense energy, which has worked out well for him in his previous two appearances, both against women. Will the third time be the charm, or will Ashton charm us all in her storybook tale of a debut?
In a battle of two Orange County-based Battle veterans, Robin Tran (1-2, #44) takes on April Lotshaw (1-1, Unranked)!
These two are some straight-up killers. Robin, Roast Battle’s only transgender competitor, is a much better competitor than her losing record would have you believe, with her losses coming in nailbiters against Ramsey Badawi (2-0, #25) and Connor McSpadden (6-2, #4). April, a fierce competitor in her own right who has clawed her way back to .500 after an initial loss to Anna Valenzuela (2-1, #31), will surely put on a show on her road to either a winning record or another loss to a vaguely ethnic chick.
Finally, a rare headliner-caliber undercard showcases sparkly Roast Battle wunderkind Joe Dosch (8-4, #7) trading barbs with everyone’s favorite Hater Earl Skakel (4-1, #10)!
This battle has been in the works ever since the first time Joe saw Earl’s ubiquitous dick pic. After an impressive showing against Keith Carey (8-5, #2), Earl has finally embraced his Roast Battle chops, and can’t bring himself to curve out of the way, unlike his dick. Joe, a former #1 battler coming off a couple losses, is still one of the most feared fighters in the game, even if he does look like he’d be more at home singing in a barbershop quartet instead of crooning that sweet chin music. Tonight, one of these guys is gonna get schlonged, and the other will walk away with another notch on their Roast Battle bedpost.
In the main event, big ‘n burly door guy Guam Felix (5-0, #17) takes on wisp of a man Alex Duong (3-4, #35)!
The last time these two were set to battle, Guam’s kidneys chickened out, leaving the Roast Battle fanbase wondering when they’d eventually get to see two of LA’s most American Asian dudes spar with each other. Well, tonight’s the night! Alex, coming back to the ring after a loss to Dan Nolan (6-2, #8) is always a fun competitor to watch, and hopes to make history by knocking Guam off of his undefeated pedestal. Guam is gunning for a coveted 6-0 record, but mostly trying to stay out of the hospital again. His previous wins may have a couple asterisks, but tonight offers one of the newest door guys a great chance to prove that he is no slouch when it comes to the Roast Battle – just when he’s sitting at the front entrance to the Store.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.