It’s almost Valentine’s Day. The roses are ready to be sniffed, the chocolates are ready to be eaten, and the words are ready to be thrown like daggers into the hearts of fellow roasters.

The overseers of this carnival of carnage will consist of Jeff Ross and Bruce Jingles. 

Our first undercard of the night will be Michael King versus David Shelton. I can’t think of a way these two would ever meet each other other than maybe crashing into each other on the 101. If that’s true, Dave definitely apologized regardless of who was at fault. Dave Shelton looks like Howard Stern and Woody Allen made a baby, aborted that baby, then it crawled out of a dumpster and raised itself. Michael King looks like he starts every sentence on stage with, “white people be like.” Although he is a breath of fresh air in a show dominated by white men, that doesn’t mean he won’t choke. Since this is their first time, they probably both will. Either way, the judges will have a lot of fun with these two. 

Our next battle introduces Andrea More and Dana Donnelly into the Roast Battle world. It seems like a face off against two roast battle virgins who presumably started fighting over who has a better “Renegade” Tiktok. Andrea looks like Ingrid Goes West if the suicide attempt was just a ruse to get more allowance from her stepdad. Dana Donnelly looks like every chick I made out with in college that told me not to tell anyone. I’m not sure if these two purposely signed up to roast each other, or if they thought it was the line for Coachella tickets, but either way I hope we are pleasantly surprised by  their viciousness and roasting abilities.  

Our next battle features two people that have done this before: Paulina Combow and Lee Hudson. These two look like a couple that met on Match.com and read books together in Silver Lake. Paulina Combow is a new battler who is still trying to find her footing. She has been battling fairly consistently and hopefully learning from her past mistakes to develop into a strong opponent. She is taking on Lee Hudson, a British battler who earned himself an Undercard of the Year nomination against Digits during his last trip across the pond. This should be an entertaining battle between two mediocre white people.

Our last undercard of the night pits Josh Edelman against Rick Cisario. This looks like a battle between every guy that got the HR job over you. Josh Edelman has been appearing with impressive shows lately. His most recent battle against Mary Elaine Ramsey broke him through to the top 50 ranked battlers. Rick Cisario has also had an impressive run lately, also coming off a win against Austin Nasso. Both battlers have shown their comfortability on stage and their writing talent. It should be a very evenly matched battle. 

Our first main event is between Lou Misiano (8-5)  and Tom Whalen (9-4). Currently ranked 20th, coming in at maybe 100 pounds, Lou “The Suit” Misiano is Roast Battle’s favorite new villain. Here he is pictured with a baby he stole from a poor family before he threw it down a wishing well. I can sense you judging him, but do you know how many wishes a baby is worth? Also, look at how great the chick from the ring turned out. Look at all those TV credits. Lou has a flair for the theatrics and will be sure to get the crowd roaring with whatever trick he has up his sleeve. Meat Loaf, I mean, Tom Whalen, is currently ranked just one below Lou at 21. Although it is not as frequent, Tom has also been seen putting his all into Roast Battle, such as wearing nothing but an American Flag on his Fourth of July battle. Tom can be just as much a physical comedian as Lou is, but in more of a “throw yourself through a table like Farley” kind of a way. Both battlers have proven themselves, and this is sure to be a battle you do not want to miss.

Your final main event of the evening will be Paige Wesley going up against Jay Light. “Ram” Paige Wesley has proven herself as one of the best roasters in this active wave of battlers. She reminds me of This is Us and someone that says, “this could be us but you playin’.” Paige is coming in with a lot of confidence as she just got married. To the Kool- Aid Man. Jay Light, is a staple of Roast Battle, and reminds me of an actual staple. With eyes. Clippy, Microsoft’s office assistant, the most hated virtual assistant in human history. He also reminds me of every kid that puts a quarter on the machine you’re playing at the arcade then breathes down your neck until you lose. These are two of the best roasters and entertainers we have in Roast Battle right now. This will be a tremendously fun, momentous main event you should definitely see live, so don’t miss out or you’ll be kicking yourself later.

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