What a fun shot! Troy Conrad really knows how to capture moments for us! This could be an album cover or something. The judges, the Wave and everyone involved with show aren’t just performers. We all sit and watch with the rest of you, waiting to see someone get broken down for our amusement. Jeff Ross, Julian McCullough and Jared Logan are some of the funniest people in that room and they’re all listening and laughing intently. Even Jeremiah Watkins doesn’t want to miss a joke and he is leading The Wave the whole time.
The view from the stage and Jay Light’s (7-3, 5) Periscope. As a battler, your front row is Western Jesus and a girl with maximum cleavage.
And then, the aftermath. Water, booze and glitter. Hollywood at it’s finest.
Undercard one had Dan Nolan (3-0, 22) edging out Eric Carter (0-2, 125)!
Eric sure knows how play his part, from his “Forrest Gump” voice/IQ to his only nice shirt. Coach Tea brought him up to this song and it was oh so appropriate. If Toby Keith had a son that failed high school and that son kept around a dumber friend to make him look better, that friend would bully Eric Carter. (side note: Toby Keith is the fucking worst. Holy shit.) This was a great battle. I knew Eric would step his game up and he did. The jokes were funny and he seemed comfortable up there for the first time.
ERIC ON DAN
“Dan Nolan likes his women like he likes his heroin. Black and off the street.”
“Last week, Dan’s friend died of a heroin overdose. But hey, at least one of you can kill.”
“Dan looks like if Bakersfield was a person.”
Eric started the battle with a racist joke, causing the crowd to go crazy and earning Earl Skakel’s respect (2-1, 14). But he tried a comeback and it did not work in his favor. It was his only bomb and might have prevented a joke-off. Dan’s jokes were great as usual.
DAN ON ERIC
“I’m glad Eric made it out here tonight. It’s nice of him to take time away from ruining Burt Reynolds’ rafting trip.”
“Dan likes to hunt and after each kill he uses every part of the animal. For gross, weird sex stuff.”
“If Eric was a slave owner, the slaves would have to teach him to read.”
I had to listen to this battle twice to get the full scoop and I laughed at Dan’s “slave” joke just as much those two as i did when I heard it live. Good work Dan! Time for a Main Event? Eric, I’m proud of you bud!
? ? ? / ? ? ?! Great opener to a great battle night!
Our second undercard found birthday boy Omar Nava (1-0, 64) victorious over Paul Elia (0-2, 144)!
They say dress for the job you want and if you want to roast, better stock up on plaid. Happy birthday Omar! We thank you for the present of a great battle! Paul was…there. I jest! Paul was good too! Omar just brought the heat. They both started off with a zing about providing each other with work. Remember, racism only makes you a winner in the Roast Battle ring. Paul’s jokes weren’t quite mean enough and had a little too much set up. But he didn’t bomb! You could tell these two were friends because their chemistry added to the show.
PAUL ON OMAR
“Omar Nava’s a lot like Justin Timberlake but he’s not bringing sexy back, he’s bringing wetback.”
“Today’s Omar’s birthday and I was gonna bring him a gift. I was gonna bring him some roses just so he could have something to sell after the show.”
It was a fun contrast of delivery between Paul and Omar, two people with four-letter names. Paul’s shirt is appropriate because he was like “No Biggie” and Omar was “Tupac Jokur”. All of Omar’s jokes hit. They were quick and mean but delivered in his casual style.
OMAR ON PAUL
“Paul’s butt chin is so deep, his blowjobs also count as anal.”
“If you don’t know Paul, just imagine Aladdin’s last wish was to become ‘Vine famous.’”
“Paul looks like the camel his parents conceived him on.”
“Paul’s ethnicity is Caldean. Jesus, Paul, is there anything about you people have heard of?”
More like Omar “Hot Lava”! Nickname courtesy of Ryan O’ Flanagan. Been waiting forever to publish that nickname. So good. This was one of the few times the crowd judged before Moses put his hand over anyone’s head. A chant of “OMAR OMAR OMAR” broke out after Moses walked on stage. I can still hear it, mainly because I’m listening to it right now.
? ? ? / ? ? ?! That’s right! With all three going to OMAHHHH!
Finally, in our Main Event, Guy Branum (3-0, 2HR) knocked off Mike Lawrence (2-1-1, 5HR)!
Woo! Another battle I didn’t mind getting wrong. The Roast Battle, at it’s core, is a comedy show and this was a “show” if I’ve ever seen one. It started off with classic banter between Moses, the judges and The Haters. Earl provided us with this gem about what to expect when sitting in his proximity.
“You go to Michael Jackson’s house as a kid, you’re gonna get fucked.”
Allegedly. I’ve always likened the Roast Battle to professional wrestling and I think Mike Lawrence might agree. After Guy’s intro, the room went dark. Funeral horns blared. Keith Carey, (5-2, 6), dressed as Paul Bearer, schlepped towards the stage armed with an urn full of glitter. Mike was carried by many men to the stage.
“Guy Branum! Make like Julian McCullough’s career…and Rest. In. Peace.”
So, so good. The Wave was under his spell.
We almost lost Haiti to the Bermuda Guyangle.
It was a hoot, through and through. This pic was taken right before Mike zipped up his zipper. Meyrowitz has your back, bro. The jokes were great. Mike took the first round, still flying high off adrenaline from his intro, in a classic tit for tat. Guy’s last joke was his weakest. But then, in the second round, Guy roared back with a salvo of jokes about Mike and his mom. Julian called Guy’s second round the comedian’s version of Rocky. It was a sight to be seen. Here are the jokes that got the best reactions:
MIKE ON GUY
“Guy Branum grew up on a farm and everyone was mean to him, except a lovely spider, Charlotte, who let everyone know he was some terrific pig.”
“Guy’s always taking his shirt off in public. It’s how he hopes to find a guy with a good gag reflex.”
“Guy Branum is proof you are what you eat: a bitter asshole.”
“You’ve broken more Asian’s backs than the railroad industry.”
“If you were any better at naturally repelling people, we could call you ‘Fagneto’.”
“Guy, you must think we’re all a bunch of dicks because you always spit on us when you talk.”
GUY ON MIKE
“Mike, I don’t understand why you continue with this comedy thing. I feel like if you applied yourself, you could’ve killed 10-12 people at a junior college by now.”
“This week, I hosted a show on NPR, and Mike, smelled like pee.”
“You look like if Zach Galifianakis got vaccinated too early.”
“You look like one of the dwarves from The Hobbit got a two-year degree in welding.”
“Mike’s mom was a comic who failed for decades but he is still the worst piece of material that came out of her.”
“Mike’s mom was a comic. When I found that out I was surprised. I thought he was a pile of sweaty t-shirts a wizard brought to life.”
It was high-octane. The third round went to the very last joke and Mike’s didn’t hit. Mighty Mike had finally struck out.
? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?! I wonder who Guy could take on next!?!
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“If Eric was a slave owner, the slaves would have to teach him to read.” – Dan Nolan
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Guy Branum grew up on a farm and everyone was mean to him, except a lovely spider, Charlotte, who let everyone know he was some terrifc pig.” – Mike Lawrence
See you next week, folks.
I am 54-35 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow pod sponsor Living Extracts on Twitter and IG. Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.