We’ve got one hell of a night ready to unfold in the Belly Room.
Our first battle of the night is between two first timers, Hector Lara and Esmarelda Villalobos. Hector is pictured here auctioning off his family into sex slavery in exchange for autographed headshots of Mario Lopez. I couldn’t find any information about Esmarelda (her Instagram is private, the hallmark of good comedians everywhere – ed.) so I assume she’s getting her cooch smooched in a bell tower by a deformed French dude with spina bifida. At least you can be excited that she is presumably one of two female comedians battling tonight. Although, I haven’t heard of these two, so prepare for the judges to roast them like marshmallows over a campfire. It’s always fun to watch Roast Battle virgins flop around together until someone wins.
Our next battle is between Austin Nasso and Rick Cisario. These two look like characters with failed businesses on the show Silicon Valley. Like, they’re not smart enough to actually start a business, but greasy and socially awkward enough to look like they would. Austin has been battling fairly consistently, and has gained a lot of confidence since getting his braces off last week. Rick Cisario, matzo ball soup personified, had a very impressive first battle and win against Kellen Schneider back in August. I’ve never met Cisario, but I did see the movie with Benicio Del Toro and boy, what an action-packed story! Somehow, I don’t think this guy gets as much action as the movie did… or talent, or attention, or praise.. Anyways, these two won’t be battling each other as hard as they’ve been battling their own virginity, but it’s still one to stay tuned for.
The next battle of the night features two of the most interesting looking battlers in the game: Los Digits and Mia Mars. They both look like backup dancer goblins for David Bowie in Labyrinth. In addition to being a gifted hobgoblin, Digits is also the guy Trump warned you about. He is one of the most entertaining battlers to watch because he frantically pounces around the stage like a dog someone let off the leash. To show how committed he is, and I’m not talking about his psychiatric care, Digits has his wins and losses tattooed on his body. I’d love to know if he’s up to date on those, because I’m pretty sure it’s a little lopsided right now with more marks in the loss column. However, if Digits comes in with stronger jokes coupled with his intense rap battle energy, he would be unstoppable. Now, what can I honestly tell you about Mia that her legs in this photo haven’t already? Mia is unpredictable in her roast battle game. Last time she battled, she came out dressed in drag as this Einstein looking character if her theory of relativity was that relatives molest you. She is a lot like Digits in the way that she is such a captivating character, and if she tweaks her jokes a bit, she will also be bulletproof. Will these theatrical performers get a standing ovation or will a light fall on someone’s head permanently closing the theater for good?
Our next battle pits Josh Edelman against Dan Paustian. Josh, shown here arrogantly farting next to a larger man so nobody suspects him, has proven himself to be a great joke writer in this game. During his last battle in August, he offended a woman in the audience so badly that she started screaming “sexist fuck!” in the back of the audience until she ran away presumably crying. Wow! Impressive. Pretty boy Dan Paustian has never battled before, but he has been coming around for long enough where he should know what this show is all about. This photo of Dan (taken from his Model Mayhem account) makes him look like that Florida frat bro that ate two people’s faces, then said he “didn’t know it was wrong. Now, do you have an antacid? Fingernails make my tum tums hurt.” This should be a great battle of white privilege that you don’t want to miss.
In our first main event of the evening, chubby alcoholic Tim McGorry faces off against chubby stoner Billy Anderson. Tim always looks eager to tell you about how he lives in a van down by the river. Billy runs a show called The Gateway Show, because Billy is a gateway drug for women to try other women. Billy tends to luxuriate and build suspense with his longer joke style, whereas Tim’s delivery style is as short and quick as Billy’s baby dick. As of last month’s rankings, Billy is coming in hot at number 24 on the Roast Battle rankings. Tim, eager to climb the ranks, is at 37. When they are present, we’ve seen both of these guys absolutely tear the room apart with their spitfire chuckle juice, so this match is sure to make you belly laugh… and laugh at Tim’s belly.
Our final main event is Ashley “White Power” Johnson versus Caesar “MTV2” Lizardo. Ashley has way too much confidence for an overweight bridge troll, but has the jokes to back up his cockiness in the roast battle game. With his lack of eye contact with the audience, one might describe his performance style as “the right kind of autism.” With well crafted jokes that leave his opponents paralyzed, he is fiercely competitive, and is one of the best that the Belly has to offer. Caesar Lizardo is like if the air horn noise was a person. Often, his opponents are left impressed with his unconventionally imaginative jokes and topical references. Pictured is Caesar with his baby daughter who already has more hair than Ashley, and when she’s old enough, she’s going to be so proud of her dad. Whoever he is. Seriously, if you’re looking for evidence as to whether or not Caesar is a cuck, look no further than his daughter. This is a great match-up, and is sure to be a battle that you do not want to miss.
See you tonight, creepy angels.