The energy in the recently-redesigned Belly Room is red-hot, and the crowd is ready to see some blood after Boon Shok-A-Lok-A shakes what the dumpster gave her.
The night’s judges’ panel – Jeff Ross, Benji Aflalo, Keith Carey, Joe DeRosa – is ready to rip into the battlers. First up, we have a virgin suicide between the creators of Historical Roast: Eddie Furth and Ryan Pigg. Jeff introduces them and asks why they’re roasting each other. The boys do their best to show off their comedy chops.
“I’m half-Jewish and we have a Netflix show to promote.” – Eddie
“I wanted to roast him because he’s the one Jewish comedian who’s not funny.” – Ryan
“I’m excited to hear you tell a joke I didn’t write for you.” – Eddie
“I’m excited to hear you both tell jokes I didn’t write for you.” – Keith Carey
The crowd goes wild. Ryan elects to go first and Moses gives us the “LET’S ROAST!” we’ve all been waiting for.
“First of all, Eddie always dresses like this. Eddie used to struggle from depression. The struggle was trying to hang himself with a bow tie.”
“You know that I have to wear a suit so you can always ride my coattails… the thing is, my suits have funnier material.”
Ryan tries to throw in a “thank you…” but Eddie cuts him off.
“No no no, hang on. You’re like 9/11. I’m kidding. People never forget 9/11.”
“Okay, okay. Thank you, Jewy Herman. Eddie’s just like Jesus Christ: he’s an embarrassment to the Jewish community, and his dad didn’t raise him.”
“Thank you porn parody Jared Kushner. So, Ryan, you were raised Baptist in Tennessee by a Mexican mother and a white father in a very strict household. You weren’t allowed to curse, but you were required to call the nanny the N-word, so…”
Swing and a miss.
“Joke’s on you, we didn’t have a nanny, we were poor!”
Ryan whiffs too. All the goodwill these two carried to the stage with them is dead in the water. Moses steps to the stage and asks “is that it?” and earns the biggest laugh of the entire battle so far.”Is that it?” – Moses
“Eddie’s grandmother escaped from a concentration camp. But what’s even more impressive is his dad escaped from his family!”
“Thank you, Pig Notaro.”
“I like that, that’s my Instagram name.”
For a team that created a successful live AND Netflix show, these two seem extremely out of sync, with Ryan delving into sweaty riffing and Eddie trying to seem laser-focused but coming off like he’s not having fun.
“You look like a teenager undercover as an adult. I think the only time you have ever had hair on your face was when my balls were on your chin.”
Eddie closes on a big pop, proving that sometimes all you need to win back the crowd is a reference to facefucking your opponent. But the judges are not as nice.
“Eddie, I don’t know why you dress like the Bill Nye for flat-Earthers.” – Keith Carey
“Neither of you guys really have any stage presence… and neither of you really know how to dress. If you’re gonna be the suit guy, at least get a nice suit.” – Benji Aflalo
“I’m sorry, is that shirt from Old Navy?” – Eddie Furth
“FASHION BATTLE! FASHION BATTLE!” – Autistic Thunder
“You look like shit and your comedy’s mediocre, but I liked your Jared Kushner joke so I’m gonna give it to you.” – Benji Aflalo
Jeff passes the mic to Historical Roasts writer and Roast Battle queen Nicole Becannon to get her take.
“Historical Roasts comes out on Netflix on May 27th, and I would just like to assure everyone, they didn’t write the jokes. We did.”
Jeff closes out with praise for these two, and the crowd ultimately votes for Eddie. Autistic Thunder gets the crowd chanting “BATTLE! BATTLE! BATTLE!” again and Moses introduces our next fighters: the U.K.’s Lee Hudson and East L.A.’s Digits.
“As you can see, Digits is aggressively Mexican. He’s also a rapper. You may know him from his hit song, Baby Got Wetback.”
“Yo, thank you Piggy Gervais. Lee, you’re such a fat bastard, I don’t even know how the fuck you’re British with that American physique. You’re so fuckin’ fat, dog, even if you got robbed in England, dog, you still wouldn’t lose pounds.
The crowd goes apeshit. Digits leans in harder as they chant “USA! USA!”
“Welcome to America, bitch! Build the wall! Build the wall! Build the wall! I’m already on this side, I don’t give a fuck!”
“Thank you Chalupa Fiasco. Digits really struggled for ideas for Mother’s Day at the weekend, because Digits is 31, and what do you buy a 44-year-old Mexican lady?”
“Everybody give it up for Lee. He’s been on TV before. His only credit is Predator Number Three: How To Catch A Predator.”
The crowd isn’t as with Digits on this one, but he knows it and quickly recovers.
That ain’t the fuckin’ joke, dog! Him and his girl been together for twelve years. Just last week they celebrated her twelfth birthday.”
“Thank you, Tekashi Spic Nine.”
Lee’s nickname hits hard. Digits retorts with a comeback that is unintelligible on the tape, but it gets a big pop. Lee continues.
“Digits is a fake gangster. The nearest he’s ever been to a trap house is watching Home Alone.”
“Thank you, Drew Carries A Lot Of Weight. Damn, Lee, you look fuckin’ tired. Even your hairline’s got fuckin’ jet lag, dog.”
Now that is a battle. Moses expresses his love for people saying racist, heinous shit then immediately hugging at the end, as these two battlers, clearly having a blast, laugh and crack up. The judges – now joined by Brad Williams – deliberate a close fight.
“Digits really did put in a very Mexican performance, because he came out and worked really hard at first, then was like ‘I don’t know, I’m sleepy.'” – Keith Carey
“You started out great, then you got to a point where not even Carlos Mencia was stealing from that Mexican.” – Brad Williams
“I think you guys should have a TV show, where you share an apartment and have, like, an Odd Couple thing. You drink your horchata, he drinks his Earl Grey…” – Benji Aflalo
“That show is called Sherlock and Homes.” – Keith Carey
Digits and Lee earn praise across the board, but Digits ultimately takes the win, snapping a losing streak and cementing his place as a battler to keep watching.
Next up, Dylan Sullivan and Jared Goldstein take the stage to wrestle for who has to bottom later that night. Jared elects to go first.
“Dylan, you unfunny faggot. You look like you cum cream cheese and then lick your fingers.”
“Jared, you’re right, I am fat. Sorry not all of us don’t have AIDS. Jared is Japanese, but he’s so fake he was made in China.”
“Dylan, in Japanese, we have a word for someone like you: GOJIRAAAAAAAAA! But in the gay community, Dylan’s a bear. By which I mean guys play dead when they see him coming.”
“Jared, you non-binary bitch. Jared was a child actor. His big breakthrough was a dick.”
“Dylan went on a gay cruise. As the boat.”
“Alright, Yoko Ono. Jared’s never been in a relationship, because gay guys don’t like fucking women. Or Japanese!”
Dylan, almost knowing that the last joke wasn’t going to land, collapses into laughter and steps back. The judges weigh in.
“You guys were fantastic, I don’t have to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race this week.” – Brad Williams
“[Jared] looks like Johnny Depp back when we still trusted him.” – Keith Carey
“Both of you, thank you for taking a break from eating cum to be here.” – Benji Aflalo
“Great battle. I think Rosie O’Donnell had some good jokes, but I think Keira Knightly got it in the end. This was like geisha versus Gay Shamu.” – Jeff Ross
Ultimately, Jared wins over the VIP panel, but the audience vote is too close to call. They chant for one more joke and Moses obliges.
“Jared treats his STDs like Pokémon: he’s gotta catch ’em all. Even the rare one, AIDS!”
“Dylan, with my face and your tits, we could get raped by Boon Shok-A-Lok-A.”
Jared seals it and wins a near-unanimous vote from the audience, earning him his second win.
Up next, it’s a South Asian slaughterfest as Pakistani Zahra Ali and Indian Anish Shah butt heads. They both come in with poise and a little swagger as Anish elects to go first.
“This is true: when Zahra told her parents that she’s a comedian, they compared it to being a whore. Which is not fair, because whores get paid.”
“Good one, poor man’s Russell Peters.”
“I’m pretty sure Russell Peters is the poor man’s Russell Peters.”
Anish’s comeback whiffs.
“Anish asked me to open for him in Atlanta because his wife stopped a long time ago.”
“Thank you, Cunty Kardashian. Zahra was born in Jersey to an ultra-religious family. She wasn’t allowed to date, she wasn’t allowed to wear a bathing suit, the only time they let her dance was on 9/11…”
“You know what? Just be nice. Be nice or I won’t hire you for my wedding.”
“You should have married me. If we had sex, you’d know what it would be like to have a good comedian inside you.”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s too bad I’m not into man-boobs.”
“It’s true! I’ve tried!” – Autistic Thunder
“Anish does a lot of college gigs. But that’s because he can’t go within 500 feet of a high school.”
“Zahra called me fat. It’s true, I’ve gained a little more weight every month, and every month Zahra loses a viable egg.”
“Who tryna knock me up, someone?”
The crowd cheers as Zahra basks in the glow of her fertility.
“I look up to Anish. His career is a lot like Aziz Ansari’s if he actually did rape that girl.”
“I think Ahmed Ahmed Ahmed had some good jokes, but I think his daughter got him.” – Jeff Ross
“What can brown do for you? Tell a damn good roast joke.” – Brad Williams
“You guys both look like racist white comedy writers had to write Arabs into a script.” – Benji Aflalo
Zahra gets high praise from the panel, and although both put on a good show, it’s Zahra’s night. She takes home another victory.
At last, we’re at the main event: Doug Fager versus Paige Wesley. Paige enters first, then Doug takes the stage wearing a tuxedo and holding a bouquet of broccoli.
“Paige is getting married in a couple of months, and I cannot let it happen. I am in love with you! He gives her flowers, I give her shit she’s never even seen before!”
The room explodes. Doug has famously been taking big risks like this in his last handful of battles, and it’s always fun to see them pay off. Once everyone settles down, they get into it. Doug chooses to go first.
“What can I say about Paige that hasn’t already been said by a child in a supermarket? Paige is actually getting married in a place called the Madonna Inn. It’s fitting that it’s at the Madonna Inn because your dress is gonna need a lot of material, girl.”
“It’s true, I am fat. It’s a pity. I got all these chins and you couldn’t even get one. You guys, Doug is from Wisconsin and he’s losing his hair. So he started as a cheesehead. Now it’s just a few Kraft Singles.”
“That’s a great joke. No fat on that joke. Paige actually got started in comedy, because no one would read her screenplays. But Paige, nobody wants to read ranch dressing fan-fiction.”
“The BBQ sequel would have been amazing. As you can tell, Doug loves big romantic gestures. His favorite one is ‘wait, come back!'”
“Paige’s fiancee actually works in a lumber yard. So I guess they both know their way around a forklift.”
“Doug was a theater nerd in high school, and it makes sense, since his last name literally starts with fag.”
“My name wrote half that joke for you! Paige didn’t lose her virginity until she was 26 years old. It was like out of a fairy tale: she was at Disneyland and accidentally sat on a giant turkey leg.”
“It was a corn dog and you know it! Doug and his mom are super, super close. They even share cigarettes after sex.”
“They’re Virginia Slims. You wouldn’t know anything about it. While I might love Paige, her fiancee is actually the greatest guy. Every night, he comes home and massages her tired hooves, milks her, and then as she’s falling asleep, tips her into bed.”
“Doug’s brother died five years ago. And everyone always makes jokes about it, but I’m not going to. Doug’s dad actually bought a mail-order bride. What, because one son’s in a box he wanted to get a wife delivered in one?”
This battle is neck-and-neck. Each have a ton of hits and a few slight misses. But at the very end, Paige’s premise about not making a joke about Doug’s dead brother doesn’t quite land with the audience – possibly since it’s explicitly what she did.
“If you’re gonna bring up a dead brother, you’ve gotta hit a home run with that.” – Benji Aflalo
The judges give kudos to Doug for his huge hits (despite them all being fat jokes) and Paige for capitalizing on Doug’s mid-fight stumble. In the end, by a split decision of 4-1, Doug wins.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, subscribe to our podcast, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from our fights, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.