Hey, party people! Pride month is over, Trump is still our president, and white people may just start revolting in the streets over the diversity of a fictional singing mermaid. It’s a good thing we’re here to poke fun at it all.
Tonight’s Roast Battle should be a special one as Ghosts of Roasting Past are back to haunt us.
Our first undercard battle of the night will be two rejected characters from A Goofy Movie: Deirdre Devlin and Mia Mars. It looks like Mia bullies Deirdre into doing her math homework. Pictured here with a puppet (why does this photo exist?), Deirdre looks like she’s trying really hard to be on a reboot of Glee. Everyone that battles Deirdre usually talks about her having an Emmy, but nobody more than Deirdre. Pictured here is actually not Mia, but a still photo of Janeane Garofalo from Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion. Everyone that battles Mia usually calls her ugly, but I find her striking… or, at least the lighting was the night Dr. Frankenstein made her. These fabulous and fearless women battle frequently. Due to their self awareness and fun one-liner ability, they typically put on a great show.
In our next battle, Jamario McClain will be taking on Mimi Pabon. Jamario sort of looks like that dude from Captain Phillips if after he told Tom Hanks he was “the captain now”, he ate all of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the ship. Mimi Pabon looks like Jennifer Lopez in the “All I Have” music video, if that coat was actually all she had. We have not seen Mimi battle before. Even though she’s a Roast Battle virgin, we haven’t seen Jamario McClain in the Roast Battle ring since 2016. His jokes possess a lot of imagination and originality. Even though he did do well back in the day, roasting is a muscle that one can easily lose if you don’t work it out. Let’s see if he still has those chops or if Mimi is “Waiting for Tonight”.
Our next battle is between Cole Alexander and Ramon Hernandez. Cole is also someone we see in the Belly Room often. Doing Roast Battle… not actually doing stand up. Oh, lord no. He looks like he would be cast in a somehow more boring version of Dawson’s Creek. Ramon Hernandez… what is this foul creature? Oof. This is why Trump wants to build that wall. He looks like Kevin Federline and Skrillex aborted a fetus. Ramon hasn’t stepped into the Roast Battle ring since 2016, when he brought a flag of Mexico on stage with him. If there is one thing where Roast Battle has been lacking lately, it’s been in theatricality. Here’s to hoping he brings another flag up with him.
Up next, Garrett Ulrich and Christian Senrud will tear each other up. We don’t know these guys, but I love it when Orange County comics come up to battle each other in Los Angeles. A lot of great comics have come out of there. A lot of terrible ones also.. So, here’s to hoping. Christian Senrud is a Roast Battle virgin. Garrett Ulrich has battled only once before and lost, so he’s back for blood. This looks like a battle over who farts less in hot yoga or who has a stronger ponytail game.
Our last undercard of the evening will be between Lou Vahram and Todd Walker. This is a very evenly matched battle. A silent Roast Battle genius, Lou Vahram has somehow been able to give out the greatest roasting advice and take none of it for himself. We’ve seen him spit some of the hottest fire jokes, and also some fiery stinkers. Todd Walker, however, has pretty consistently stayed well, consistent. None of his jokes are terrible, but they are also not hard hitters. So far, we’ve seen average performances from both of these likable guys that we want to see do well. Also, they both look like failed gas station attendants that haven’t slept in weeks.
Our main event tonight will be Jacob Trimmer versus Isaac Hirsch. With a healthy balance of excellent joke writing and stellar performances, these dudes always come packing heat. Coming in hot at number 10 in the Roast Battle rankings, Isaac is a man with a plan. That plan is to be as non-threatening as humanly possible. The only time you should feel afraid is when he eats a peanut or forgets his inhaler, but that’s just because he’s going to die. On the opposite side of the male aggression spectrum, Jacob looks a bodyguard for other bodyguards. He is ranked at number 19, and reminds me of an old bowl of soup that you forgot you left in the basement. It’s going to be a battle you won’t want to miss!
See you tonight.