It’s Tuesday night! President Trump may have given his State Of The Union address, but the only union we’re addressing is between some personal setups and cruel punchlines. The Belly Room is packed out with an electrified crowd and supercharged comedians standing shoulder to shoulder in the back of the room. We’re all here to see some Roast Battle magic unfold before our very eyes.
Host Brian Moses introduces our judges for the night: Jeff Ross, Amin Elhassan, Mike Lawrence, Cort McCown, Morgan Murphy, and Annie Lederman! Whoa. It’s only a few minutes in and these poets of pain are already making the crowd roar with laughter. It’s a must to plug Speed Weed and Julie Seabaugh’s book Ringside at Roast Battle: The First Five Years of L. A. ‘s Fight Club for Comedians… and we’re off!
Berenice Ashikian is brought to the stage first and the judges are hungry to lay right into her. Moses asks why she is battling Russell.
“I want to try something terrifying this year. This is my first battle.” – Berenice
“You’re used to just blogging, or what? Your bangs are just a Me Too screaming to happen.” -Annie Lederman
Annie effortlessly shows just how quick witted, ruthless, and hilarious she is right away.
Russell Ells is brought to the stage and asked why he is battling Berenice, to which he replies, “I’ve never battled a girl.. and out of all my female friends, she literally had the thickest skin.”
Russell volunteers to go first.
“It’s an honor to be here roasting Tina Buffet. Berenice let a guy stick his toes in her pussy. It’s the only time she’s ever gotten digits.”
“Russell’s dad is a mechanic. He can fix other cars in the world but he can’t fix his lisp.”
“Right, my dad can fix anything except for your haircut. Thank you, Hungry Hungry Hepburn. Berenice is half Armenian and half Mexican, so she doesn’t know which side she got her mustache from.”
“Russell dates someone 15 years younger, just so he can experience a life that isn’t wasted.”
“That was really mean, Chunky Brewster. One time, Berenice fucked a guy that was into pregnancy role play and after he was finished, decided not to keep either of them.”
“Russell’s mom works at Target. Unfortunately, she missed her target with a coat hanger.”
These two Chicken McNugget-shaped trolls gave the crowd a taste of what they came there for. Berenice’s coat hanger joke gets a bigger pop than all of Russell’s jokes but he is more consistent. Berenice did great for her first battle but Russell’s experience shows, and he takes home another win.
Chantmaster Joshua Meyrowitz gets the crowd revved up with another “battle” chant, and the crowd is ready for their second battle.
Our next battle on this explosive night is Josh Waldron and Scout Durwood.
Brian brings Josh up as his record being 4-11 but Josh quickly corrects him. “It’s 4 and 8! I’m much less of a loser than that!”
When asked why they are battling, Josh says, “We’re pretty good friends. She does a lot of historical roasts. I’ve seen her be Hellen Keller, Moaning Myrtle, Harley Quinn… I just wanted to give her a chance to be a real comedian.”
Moses brings up Scout and the judges neg her for her name and hairdo that Morgan Murphy says is “bad, but hard to describe why.”
“Scout is a proud member of the itty bitty titty committee, but she gave me a hug and it felt like negatitty.”
“Josh is technically Mexican… but he’s so culturally white washed, his favorite band is Coachella.”
“I went two years ago. Scout was named after To Kill a Mockingbird but looks like she’s here To Call A Manager.”
“Not a bad joke for someone who is two tattoos and a haircut away from being Adam Levine. It’s hard to take a guy seriously whose go-to haircut is scrotum… SCROTUM!”
“Like most people in LA, she has Celiac. Like most women in comedy, she’s a silly hack.”
“Josh lost his license to a bunch of parking tickets. So, he’s the Alicia Silverstone of Comedy. He’s a VIRGIN WHO CAN’T DRIVE!”
“Now I know why he loses all the time. Soon to be 4 and 12, buddy.” – Cort McCown
These two needed an entertaining battle after the huge letdown of buying tickets to the Fyre festival. Scout wins, but I’m positive Josh will be back… on acid soon.
Moses brings up Timothy McGorry first and the panel of judges lay into him about his overall appalling and just honestly repugnant appearance.
“Speaking of Roseanne.” – Mike Lawrence
“He looks like Dan and Roseanne.” – Annie Lederman
“Roast-Anne.” – Jeff Ross
“You look like the father from Dinosaurs” – Brian Moses
Moses often says some hysterical offhand remarks that are often overlooked but this hungry audience caught this one and loved it. Finally, Moses gets his moment to shine! Ashley Johnson comes up next and the judges continue showcasing their roasting abilities. It’s become evident that the judges are the real stars of the night.
“Two guys who have never heard of black history month.” – Cort McCown
“You guys look like the guys in Charlottesville who were just yelling ‘wait up!” – Morgan Murphy
“I’m excited for this summer camp reenactment of BlacKkKlansman” – Jeff Ross
Finally, the judges are ready to let Ashley and Tim do what they came there for: to ruin their beautiful friendship with wounding words. Ashley offers to go first.
“Tim tells people he let a guy suck his dick to see if he was gay. Because telling them he PAID a guy to suck a dick is definitely gay.”
“It’s the five o’ clock shadow. You look like a baby that fought in the Vietnam war.”
“How are you out of breath from that joke?”
This rebuttal gets a big pop.
“You’re like the Mucinex guy started a ska band or something.”
“You look like you make YouTube reaction videos of YOU sexually assaulting women.”
“With that jacket, I just think you’re going to make a sweet video about how to fix up your double wide.”
“(Mocking tone) I’m Ashley. I’m not a rapist, I’m just allergic to consent!”
The crowd is SO into these two that they just keep yelling to keep going and starts chanting “ONE MORE JOKE” before Brian even makes it back to the stage.
Jeff gives the go ahead to take this baby into overtime. Since Ashley volunteered to go first, Timothy must go first in OT.
“You look like the 4th most important person on a 4 person pirate ship.”
The crowd reaction slowly builds and you can hear the audience as they go from being unsure how to feel to completely falling in love with this joke. It felt like watching 10 Things I Hate About You.
“Tim likes to brag that he spent the weekend in Rikers Island but to be honest, nobody knew it was illegal to start a mosh pit in Arby’s.”
The judges reference Ashley’s rebuttal and Moses starts an “I can’t breathe” chant that the audience loves. There are mixed reviews by the judges but the crowd goes with Tim, and he takes home his seventh Roast Battle win.
Before the next battle begins, Annie yells “couple making out!” and points to a couple inappropriately showcasing their love at the Comedy Store, where the only thing that breeds is hate. Josh then starts a “fuck” chant. Then, the front row gets the unforgettable treat of The Roastmaster Jeff Ross roasting them. The front row laughs. The crowd laughs. We move on to our next battle.
Brian brings up Micah Bleich. Micah starts swaying with Moses while standing close behind him. We’re not sure if he is mocking him or trying to absorb him, but it’s a beautiful moment. Moses then brings up Billy Anderson and asks why he is battling Micah.
“I met Micah like three years ago. And I even thought then, ‘I bet I can make this guy cry’.” – Billy Anderson
“I thought you were going to say ‘cum’” – Annie Lederman
“That, too”- Billy
Billy and Micah’s bodies, minds, and hearts are now prepared to battle.
“Billy is a Georgia peach but he looks more like a Portland Eggplant.”
“That’s confidently delivered by a guy that looks like he wears his shirt in the shower. You have the fashion of a man that just broke off his engagement with a Japanese Anime body pillow.”
“Billy’s grandmother has Alzheimer’s. And even she won’t see his stand up twice.”
“Pretty good one, fat Jared Kushner. Micah is a Jewish comedian and he’s married to a younger asian wife, who literally makes wontons for a living. The only way they could be more of a stereotype is if she was his stepdaughter.”
“Billy shares his name with a billygoat which is fitting because they’re both bearded horny animals known for rearing kids.”
“Micah is a failed comedian with no kids. The only thing more barren than his wife is his booking calendar.”
These were thinkers! Deep thinking. Deep cuts. Deep end of the gene pool without a lifeguard. The judges unanimously give it to Billy and the crowd agrees. Billy wins!
As the final battle of the night begins, the energy in the room has not dwindled. The crowd is alive! Our trusted host brings Movses Shakarian to the stage and asks him why he is battling Joe.
“Why do you want to go to Hell?”
“Well, I’m gay. I’m going there anyways. Joe called me out and is such a great battler I feel like I’m going Into this with a handicap. I just hope he doesn’t walk all over me.”
The intro doesn’t hit as hard as it will in a moment when they see Joe, who is now brought to the stage.
“Why are you battling Movses?” – Brian Moses
“Honestly, I wanted an Armenian slaughtered on camera so no one could deny it.” – Joe
Moses asks Jeff Ross who he wants to see go first and he goes with Movses. We begin!
“Tonight, the president delivered the State Of The Union address, and the state of Joe’s parents union is that they’re cousins.”
“Speaking of family.. While Movses is in court defending pot farmers, his Armenian ancestors are in a Turkish grave growing weeds.”
“Yes, my people went through a genocide, but at least it didn’t leave us crippled.”
“I’d rather have one dead arm than 100 dead Armenian relatives.”
“Joe is part Irish, which makes sense, because he’s always after me Lucky Arms.”
“Movses often makes his boyfriend choke during oral sex, because he’s so Armenian even his semen is hairy.”
“Joe you adult version of fetal alcohol syndrome. Joe is the funniest comic I know. Hands down.”
“With the way you bottom, you’re probably in diapers. Growing up, they called Movses “The Kebab”, because he’s had more Armenians inside him than a Glendale Strip Mall.”
“Yes, I’m gay, but clearly life fucked you in the ass. Joe is like the government shutdown. He has lasted much longer than anyone expected and nobody wanted you in the first place.”
“Movses is gay and Armenian, which means he’s cheap. He’s got HIV because he’s too cheap to upgrade to full blown AIDS.”
“That’s right, when gay people have unprotected sex, they can get aids and when straight people have unprotected sex, they can get Joe.”
“I’m going to be honest.. I forgot my last joke.”
Coach T comes in with the Jeopardy waiting music.
“Just as this battle was ramping up.” – Mike Lawrence.
Movses uses this extra time to sneak in an extra joke.
“I’m actually shocked because Joe has the skills of a seasoned battler and the look of a seasoned vegetable.”
“Thank you, Ham Tripoli.”
Joe remembers his last joke!
“I had a cerebral pause, sorry. Movses brings home the bacon in his marriage. That’s what his husband calls his back fat.”
With the exception of Joe’s forgetful moment, it was an excellent battle. The judges weigh in and tell their final jokes of the night. It’s high praises for Joe and his clean shoes.
“It’s black history month… and you got civil rights shoes.” – Clayton English
“I’d give it to Movses in the end.” – Mike Lawrence
“Would you really give it to me in the end?” – Movses
Ultimately, the judges give it to Movses unanimously. I don’t think anybody wanted the night to end. Everyone was walking out of the Belly Room on air that night.. Or rolling out.. All five star battles and five star panel of judges brought the heat. Tune in next week to see if the heat wave continues or if the flame will burn out! See you then.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, subscribe to our podcast, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from our fights, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.