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by Richie Gaines

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Tonight sports a solid docket of battles. Some battlers are
bad, but every battle is good. Even if it wasn’t we have Joe Dosch, Earl
Skakel, Mike Lawrence and Jeff Ross on the firing squad all night. First up, Everett Byram takes on Anthony Desamito.

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“Everett is what happens when you stab your fetus with wire
hanger for about 10 months.”

“Thank you, Jabba The Slut. A lot of people think Anthony’s
fat. Not true. He’s just storing cum for the winter.”

“Thank you Clark Cunt. Looks like he sucks dick for
communion wafers.” 

“At puberty Anthony realized he couldn’t grow a goatee, so
just slapped some glue around his mouth and sucked a dick.”

“Until I met Everett I’ve never made a straight guy who’s
made as many woman cum as I have – which is zero.”

“The only reason Anthony came out of the closet his because
he smelled a burrito in the kitchen.”

Poor Anthony. He did a fine job, he had decent jokes,
Everett’s were better, but the fire squad just could not stop roasting him anyway.

“Anthony looks like a gerbil and a guy who puts one in his
asshole” – Jeff Ross 

“He looks like the one Mexican that struggles to get over
the wall” – Mike Lawrence

“He looks like he’d float to Miami without a raft.” – Joe
Dosch

“He looks like if a Pokémon was trying to get it’s
citizenship.” – Mike Lawrence

Then the Saudi Prince arrives and it’s his birthday! What
does the Saudi Prince do for his birthday?

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“I laughed my ass off at the Holocaust Museum.” – Saudi
Prince

The Saudi Prince is here, the firing squad is on, the first
battle is great and it looks like we’re in for a great night of Roast Battle.
Everett takes the win. Moses brings Jared Goldstein and Josh Waldron to the
stage.

“Get your scrunchies out, lets do this thing.” – Moses 

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“Jared once fisted a guy. It was the last time anyone
enjoyed his tight five.”

“Josh looks like he’d play me in a Lifetime movie.” 

“Jared is Asian and gay, which means he can calculate how
many T-cells he has left.”

“Thank you America’s Not Talent. Josh has been called a
‘faggot’ by four out of five stepdads.”

“Thank you Definitely Not A Top Ramen. Jared works at a
restaurant called Hamburger Mary’s, but his dream is to have Five Guys go In-N-Out.”

“Josh if you’re here, whose running the photo booth at every
gay wedding?”

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“Honestly I wanted to give it Lou Diamond doesn’t know
what a Phillips head screwdriver looks like, but I think the winner tonight is Steven Seagall’s
gay daughter.” – Saudi Prince

It’s obvious that Josh took this one. Jared held his own. The
judges quickly give Josh the win and spent more time making fun of an audience
member in the front who:

“…looks like you professionally yell ‘ass-to-ass’ in living
rooms.” – Mike Lawrence 

Brain calls Robbie Goodwin and Matt LeGrande to the stage. Robbie
is his perfect state of fun and goofy, pulling off antics that most couldn’t
pull off, but somehow give Robbie the upper hand with the audience. 

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“Matt one time tried showing a kid his stand up. The kid
said ‘man this is brutal, could you just go back to raping me?’”

“Robbie loves doing impressions. If only he could leave
one.”

“Matt is like Cheetos, in that he’s flaming, hot, and gets
eating by poor people in parking lots.” 

“Thank you predatory improv coach. Robbie’s not threating
enough to rape anyone, but he’d definitely film it.”

“Matt moved here from Indonesia when he was twenty. I’m
really glad he’s in the U.S. but I’d be really happy if he moved to Orlando.” 

“Thank you ethnic Zoolander.
Robbie I know your family’s from Afghanistan, but your eyes need to let go of
9/11.”

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These last three jokes don’t really hit, though as a whole
this was very fun battle.

“I thought those would get bigger laughs, 9/11 is very funny
to me.” – Saudi Prince

Robbie is really showing a lot of comfort, personality, and
most importantly is having fun. He clearly took this one, continuing his
undefeated streak. Robbie is in the sunken place of the battle community. He’s
undefeated, with no respect, because people who are considered “better
battlers,” get what I would call an “ego” from Roast Battle. Everyone has their
own goals, but how many battles does a guy have to win to at least get a five
joke main event with a top twenty battler? Then the community will make excuses
why he’s ranked so high or has so many wins. It’s your own fault because people
think they’re too good or have nothing to gain from taking on a battler like
Robbie. Someone good battle Robbie! You’re all sick and pathetic! 

Finally, a
straight guy battle as John-Michael Bond and Nat Baimel take the stage. This battle
already starts out a little odd as Joe Dosch calls out Nat for essentially being
a comedy robot during his little pre-battle joke. That would sort of set a tone
for Nat’s performance tonight.

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“John you were bullied growing up for a being a pale, nerdy
redhead with no chins. But you showed them, now you’ve got like eight chins.”

“All right, all right, hold on, stop it, do not treat him
like that. That joke was a tribute to his father, because like his father it
died at an important time in his life… Nat looks like a ventriloquist dummy
that came to life and then still asked if he could have a man’s hand up his ass
every night.”

“John you were molested by a life guard and that’s only,
like the third main reason you wear a shirt while swimming.”

“Nat’s mom has been a cop in Florida for 35 years. So it’s
good that at least one person in the family has murdered in front of a bunch of
black people.”

“John is a social worker, yet the only seven-year-old he
can’t save is his comedy career.”

“Nat lost his virginity at 26 years old. His mom said that
was normally, but she had just cum, so she would have said anything.”

John was great. With only two weeks notice he pulled a
reverse Nat Baimel and crushed it. John is so on at this point when the Saudi
Prince bombs a joke, John goes:

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“Did Nat write that for you or…?” – John-Michael Bond

The crowd is on his side, and he is firing on all cylinders.
Even when the judges have shots to take, John fires back with flawless
quickness and timing.

“I love Nat, but I gotta give it to the guy wearing the AIDS
quilt.” – Earl Skakel

“Thank you so much, reason we sewed it.”  – John-Michael Bond

The last undercard, as the Saudi Prince puts it, “looks like
a strip club in the afternoon,” as Jasmin Leigh is set to take on Heather
Marulli.

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“Heather doesn’t like guys to eat her ass, because she’s never
shared a meal in her life.” 

“Jasmin is a chef and she reminds me of Aunt Jemima. Not
because she’s black, but because her tits are as flat as pancakes.”

“Shhhhh. Everybody be quiet. You guys can’t hear that? It’s
the sound of Heather’s shoes screaming for help.”

“Thank you ghost of Bobbi Kristina Brown. Jasmin left Florida because the state’s
tax dollars could only afford one large swampy area.”

“I actually think Heather has a great body. It’s like
origami – full of flaps and folds.”

“Jasmin is a lesbian. And she looks like she eats pussy off of a paper plate.”

We had high hopes for this battle. Heather is great, Jasmin
is not. It seems like every battle we see Jasmin have she gets the luxury of
having Jeff Ross root for her, and I feel like he may be the only one in that
fan club. From Atlanta to the Belly Room, Jasmin doesn’t seem to have what it
takes in this joke writing competition.

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“That was kind of close and uneventful.” – Joe Dosch

Joe pretty much sums up the battle. The wonderful thing
about Roast Battle is that, just like anyone else, Jasmin has the opportunity
to try again and prove everyone wrong. Which brings us to our main event  – two already proven killers, Dan Nolan
and Kim Congdon.

“It looks like the housekeeper’s finally going after the
maintenance man.” – Saudi Prince

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The battle begins:

“Kim’s dating an NFL player right now and they actually have
a lot in common. Because he’s had a bunch of concussions and she’s just a dumb
bitch.”

“Dan gained 100 pounds after he stopped doing heroin. Now he
just has Hepatitis C-cups. “ 

“Kim just voiced a cartoon on MTV. It’s the first time she’s
ever been drawn… to something other than black guys with money.”

“Dan had a black girlfriend when he was on drugs. They spent
date nights picking oxycontin.” 

“Kim is a terrible comic. The only time she’s had people
slapping their knees, it was against the back of her thighs – because she’s a
gigantic whore.”

“I guess the only difference between us is I suck on dick
and you suck on stagg. Dan looks like he knows where JonBenét Ramsey is.”

“Kim’s got a really beautiful smile. She’s had one cavity
filled, but it was her anus, by a bunch of basketball players.” 

“Thank you so much, Jeffrey Dumber…”

“You’re welcome…cunt!”

“No problem, The Hills Have Four Eyes…Dan looks like the
only reason he hasn’t shot up a school is because it doesn’t fit in his veins.”

“Kim’s football player boyfriend has had so many concussions
he keeps forgetting to beat the shit out of her.”

“That’s really good, Thing of the Hill. Dan is a disgusting
hillbilly. He looks like he dips…his fingers in children.”

This battle is killing. Everyone immediately wants overtime.

“Definitely the best battle of the night.” – Jeff Ross 

“Dan looks like he started to go to NA because he heard
there were chips.” 

“Look, I’m not going to lie, I would totally have sex with
Kim, because I may have quit shooting heroin, but I refuse to stop exposing myself
to hepatitis.”

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Then it goes to double overtime:

“Kim’s taken so much black dick her pussy gets accused of
cultural appropriation.” 

“Dan looks like his dog is the one who taught him about his
peanut allergy.” 

After a double overtime and an amazing battle, Kim takes it.
Gay night in the Belly Room is over. Unfortunately, on gay night, not one gay
comic won a battle.

“I kind of wish Dan was Jeffery Dahmer because that would
mean a gay performed well tonight.” – Joe Dosch

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Overall it was a very fun night of battles, the crowd was
great, and the main evetn rained superior from two of the best Roast Battle has
to offer. Roast Battle’s gay, I’m gay, good night!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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