At this point, I don’t know what else you need. Dave Chappelle. Jim Carrey. And now Danny effing Tanner. He clowned on people. He named Josh Meyrowitz his new “Michelle”. He did it all. It was crazy growing up with Uncle Danny and then ripping the band-aid off of who Bob Saget really was when I saw him in Half-Baked. It got more surreal when I found out how dirty his comedy is. Bob’s picture from a thousand years ago hangs in the hallway of the Comedy Store. Not one of the dozens of headshots that adorn the walls but a large portrait. He was at home and he had zings for everyone.
“I wish we had Ike Turner here to knock her the fuck out.” – on Boon Shakalaka.
“I’ve started in this room. I also saw a lot of people finish in this room.”
“I got blown by a ghost here once. I don’t wanna say who because she still owns the place.”
So good. If only Uncle Joey was there to tell us to cut it out.
Just a reminder…I am stepping into the ring next week! i’ll be in the Main Event against my brother in comedy, Sugar Sean Leary (1-0, 48)!
That means Heavy Jay Light (7-3, 5) will be taking over Report duties. He’s also crushing it while cover “The Roastmasters”, our official east coast show. The undercards looks great and judges are some of the best we have. I’m really looking forward to it so hope to see you there! Follow The Stand NYC on Twitter and watch on Periscope!
Ok. Let’s review.
? / ? ? ?The first undercard had Joe Eurell (0-1, 65) beating Seth Woodward (0-2, 128)!
This was a saucy battle! It started out with a little mic trouble but Earl (3-1, 14) still kept the vibe hot from the Haters table. Seth got accused of calling Joe an easy target and Seth rushed the stage to prove his innocence. He didn’t even get theme music. Joe had this great “ya caught me!” look when Seth called him out. Joe doesn’t play around man. He has a speech impediment that Earl tried to zing but Joe came right back.
“Is he underwater?” – Earl
“No but your career is.” – Joe, winning the crowd before the battle started.
The jokes were great. Joe is a funny comedian and the roast jokes he prepared for his first battle were good, so I knew he’d be ready for this one.
JOE ON SETH
“Seth’s comedy is a lot like his beloved tentacle porn. Nobody watches it, it’s poorly put together but Seth jacks off to it anyway.”
“If given the choice between looking like Seth Woodward or being unable to walk, I’d choose the wheelchair because at least I’d look good enough for a pity fuck.”
After that last one, Josh Meyrowitz was able to get a “SPECIAL NEEDS” chant going from the crowd. Seth had an uphill battle after Joe roasted Earl and got the crowd on his side. Also, it’s never easy roasting someone with a disability. But Seth didn’t hold back.
SETH ON JOE
“Joe’s from South Carolina. You can tell because his muscles are seceding from his body.”
“Joe, once they classify racism as a retardation then you’ll have two.”
Great opening battle. ? ? / ? ? ?.
The second undercard was Dud City as no one won between Eric Carter (0-1, 117) and Haiti (0-0, 143)!
Hey, at least I didn’t lose the pick! What the hell is Haiti wearing? I think he googled “Haiti suit for America battle” and clicked “I’m Feeling Lucky”. Eric’s wardrobe comes in only three styles; bigot, trailer, and probation hearing. Haiti had a great intro! He had a few ladies escort him up and throw what I assume are plastic flower petals. Moses and the Sklars made jokes about the girls and those jokes were the only ones made for the next six minutes. Crowd was hot though. They wanted to pop. Haiti and Eric refused to allow it.
ERIC ON HAITI
“The only difference between Haiti and Pepe Le Pew is one’s a smelly a rapist and the other’s a cartoon.”
HAITI ON ERIC
“I lived in a refugee camp, my dad died of AIDS but listening to his stand up was the worst thing that happened to me.”
Yikes, right? Eric had a comeback about the scars on his face right at the end that probably should have won it for him. At least Tony Hinchcliffe (1-1, 6HR) was there to redeem the previous six minutes for us.
“Moses, I just wanna say that battle was so bad, I just saw Joe from the last battle walk out of here.”
No flame emojis for this battle. One ? is for Tony.
The third undercard was another draw but a good draw as Kevin Fard (0-0, 133) tied with Jordan Leer (0-0, 134)!
This was a fantastic battle. It went to two joke-offs! The second one kinda fell flat but the rest of the jokes from both battlers were great. Kevin probably had a slight edge in good jokes and crowd reaction. I only wanted Kevin to lose so I could say he Farded but he was really good. Maybe they’ll double check their shirts before their next battle.
KEVIN ON JORDAN
“Jordan, you’re just like the country. Poor, nobody knows anything about you and no Jew will ever sign a deal with you.”
”Jordan was almost cast in a Subway commercial. Until Jared found out he was 25.”
All of Kevin’s regulation jokes landed. One of Jordan’s did not. However, he kept up with Kevin with his last two jokes. which prompted the audience into another chant/Sklar joke. Keep that in mind, future roasters. Win the end of the battle.
“ONE MORE, ONE MORE, ONE MORE!” – crowd
“That’s what the Duggar kid said.”- a Sklar, probably Randy
JORDAN ON KEVIN
“Kevin has just as much arm hair as Robin Williams but way more reasons to kill himself.”
“My face makes people double-check my ID, His face makes them double-check the entire airport.”
Even though this was a draw that ended on a dud, it could be Roastie nominee. Any time Coach Tea’s OT music comes on, you know you just watched a great battle.
? ? ? / ? ? ?!
And in our third consecutive battle without a winner or loser, Jon Schabl (0-1, 44) and Carl Spitale (1-1, 87) were on stage!
This was another draw but not a draw like the previous battle. In which both battlers were so good, neither deserved a loss and the crowd won. This was a draw like the second battle of the night, where neither battler earned a win and Moses didn’t force the crowd to judge. It started hot! The two had some good pre jokes!
“I just wanted to show Jon what huge and successful looks like.” – Carl, only half-correct
“That guy? That ol’ human Hot Pocket?” – Jon, upon asked if he was ready for Carl
Nice. The rest? Not as nice.
JON ON CARL
“You’re talking about how I look? With those pinchable cheeks and that patchy red beard, you look like Lindsay Lohan’s pussy at a scholastic book fair.”
I’m only posting one of Jon’s jokes because his first one didn’t make any sense and his second one was identified by Guy Branum as belonging to another comic. Hey, one of the first rules of Roast Battle is “original material only” and “no internet jokes”. So if you’re unsure if the joke is original, use the internet to make sure. Good bit, Megan! Carl wasn’t much better.
CARL ON JON
“Jon is from a town in New Berlin, Canada. He was raised by Nazi grandparents. His favorite game growing up was duck, duck, goose step.”
“Speaking of swallowing, Jon’s wife is twenty weeks pregnant. I would make a dead baby joke but that’d be twenty weeks too soon.”
After listening to it again, Carl probably deserved the win but Moses let the crowd say “fuck it” anyway.
This battle barely sparks to ? / ? ? ?.
And in our Main Event, mighty Mike Lawrence (2-0-1, 3) pinned Dan St. Germain (0-2, 18) for the three count!
The Great Photog has been really killing it lately. Here’s a picture of the heaviest weigh-in on record that didn’t involve sumo wrestlers. There’s more beard here than a list of Tom Cruise ex-wives. This was just as good a battle as i expected. Both of these guys are excellent writers and their chemistry was great, having been friends for ten years.
The intros were the best the show has ever seen. Mike rolled up with and crushed two cans on his head a la Stone Cold Steve Austin.
“Lawrence 3:16 says ‘I’m gonna do to Dan St. Germain what alcoholism and the road already have…DEFEAT HIM.”
Beautiful. Not to be outdone, Dan rolled up with two “DAN ST. GERMANIA” t-shirts off and ripped one off proving he gives no fucks about a t-shirt budget. Jeremiah Watkins felt the real sting of this battle, getting Stone Cold stunned by Mike Lawrence and getting a huge leg drop from DSG.
“Just keep that Wave away from my daughter, brother.” – DSG, nailing it.
This was right before the monster leg drop. The battle started a few moments later but not before a Sklar could sneak one in.
“This is like type-1 versus type-2 diabetes.” – a Sklar, probably Randy.
Mike not only roasted Dan, he took on the whole room.
“I love that they both look like the before picture in a P90x commercial.” – Sklar
“I give that joke one and a half Sklars.” – Mike, in retort.
“MIke, I just want to say video games aren’t a personality.” – Guy Branum
“Neither are being gay and obese but hey…” – Mike, taking no prisoners.
The chemistry between the judges and battlers was off the charts. They traded barbs the entire show.
“It’s Dan and Guy; two different types of rock bottom.” – Mike
“I feel like if we shave the two of you, we would just have two chubby Sklar brothers.” – Guy
“Shut up, Brando at the end!” – Dan to Guy
All the fire and the second round hadn’t even started. Pat Barker (5-1, 7) jumped in from the Haters with a hero’s effort to try to take Mike down.
“This is the best episode of “bum fights” I’ve ever seen!” – Pat
“That’s one more thing you couldn’t get booked on.” – Mike
After all that, Sarah Tiana (4-0, 1HR) proved schooled us all when asked by the Roastmaster who she’d rather sleep with between Mike and Dan.
“I’d rather have the guy in the wheelchair.”
And finally, the Golden Pony weighed in.
“This is the best battle between two future mall Santas I’ve ever seen.”
Holy shit. That’s the best part of the show. The funniest comedians in the country watch and then chime in. Let’s get to their actual roast jokes. The first round was one of the best we’ve had. For some reason, Dan lost track in round two. He was making great off the cuff jokes but couldn’t land a joke about Mike. Mike pretty much won the room for the entirety of the battle.
MIKE ON DAN
“Dan looks like what happens when you lose in the first five minutes of Oregon trail.”
“Dan’s the only guy who looks like drives a wagon and also falls off it constantly.”
“They call Dan’s dick the ‘open mic’ because it’s short, sad and only new comics get up on it.”
“Dan relapses all the time. I once saw him puking and crying in a bathtub after going a whole year without being in a bathtub.”
DAN ON MIKE
“Mike you got molested but just be glad somebody touched you. You look like what happened if Burt got attacked by his own bees.
“Before getting married, Mike stole from his girlfriend. And no, he didn’t date a Brian Posehn album.”
“Mike got married for love but his wife got married to win ‘Fear Factor’.”
“Mike Lawrence writes for Annie Lederman’s show on E or as the industry likes to call it, ‘Worst of both Worlds’!”
Stellar jokes. Stellar show. ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?!
JUDGES JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Dan’s the only guy who looks like drives a wagon and also falls off it constantly.” – Mike Lawrence
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Mike got married for love but his wife got married to win ‘Fear Factor’.” – Dan St. Germain
I am 48-31 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us@roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.