As the familiar introduction of “Briaannnn Mottthhherrr Fuckin Moossseeesss!!!” rings through the Belly room sound system like a comfort to the blood thirsty, a fired up crowd ignites for the battles. Moses can’t help but take a moment to praise The Roastmaster Jeff Ross for his GOAT-confirming performance on the Roast of Alec Baldwin as well as the tree of writers those two men and this show helped produce. Jeff introduces his fellow judges for the night, Elon Gold and Greg Fitzimmons. All three’s Friar’s Club connection is quickly revealed, in addition to the brief history that Greg got the Roastmaster into the FC. The history between these three is tangible.
Moses brings up a couple of battle virgins, Alex “Fonzi” Cureau vs Kyle Smith.
“You look like you’re dressed to give TMZ tours.” – Jeff
“I heard Fonzi’s Mom’s pussy got bedbugs and smells like catfish. That hoe a bottomfeeder.”
“Kyle does look like Lil Wayne..he looks like Lil Wayne dying of cancer.”
“He got the shoulder’s of a pterodactyl and the smile of a pedophile so we call him “teraphy”ing kids.
“I Knew Kyle was going to make fun of my shoulders, but they only got this way from doing all of the work.”
“He’s build like a stepdad who struggles too much to get pussy.”
Kyle’s last joke bangs.
“It’s funny that Kyle decided to move to LA, I feel like you would have done much better in a JRR Tolkien novel.”
“Give it up for the audience for having to sit through that.” – Jeff
“You’re like Bill Engvall’s retarded younger brother.” -Elon
Kyle wins the audience vote by a mile.
Up next, we’ve got Abraham Boche versus Olusheyi Adeeko. After a brief exchange with Olusheyi, Moses asks Abraham, “Why did you want to battle Olusheyi?”
“He’s my buddy… I dunno, just somethin’ to do.”
“I hate you.”- Moses
Nobody does more with less than Brian Moses, keeping the comedy wheels turning even with two flats.
I feel like I called the worst moving company in LA. — Jeff
Greg Fitzimmons asks Olusheyi to show the audience the back of his hat. He turns to reveal a snapback hat that has to remain unbuttoned because of neck over-girth.
“It’s like your uncle at the end of Thanksgiving dinner when he undoes his belt.” — Greg
The audience can’t wait to see what this odd couple brings to the table.
“You look like an uncut stinky dick that no one wants to suck.”
“Smally Smalls, I love it when you call me big Papa Johns Pizza, throw your hands in the air because you will never be a player.”
“You look like an MTV2 VJ reject.”
“Fuck you bitch. Olusheyi is what you get if George Foreman grill had a BBQ grill.”
“You look like you tried to become a Satanist to get laid but you’re so ugly even the Satanist bitches didn’t want you.”
“Fuck you, no name bitch. The last time you seen your neck was the last time you seen your dick. Never. The only way you see a dick, bitch is if you’re suckin’ it.”
“Abraham, how many times have you battled?” -Jeff
“I’ve never seen anyone get worse.” -Jeff
In the preview I said that Abraham was funny. I don’t know if I was drunk, high, or forgetful… but I know I wasn’t right. My journalistic integrity rests on this full retraction. But for all its, faults this battle was a classic example of “so bad it’s brilliant.” I would watch these gentlemen onstage EVERY. DAMN. WEEK.
So how do you follow that battle? With joke writing.
It’s time for Kevin Mac versus Sam Brilhart. Kevin comes out in a fully buttoned baseball cap while Sam enters in what looks like a large Guatemalan boys pajamas. No explanation. After Fitz reminds Kevin of his resemblance to K. Fed, the room is ready to see if he’s got all the right moves.
“Sam looks like he can draw you a map of the darkest alleys in Portland.”
“Kevin looks like the guy who always ends up fucking his stepmom in pornos.”
“Not just in pornos. Sam you look like a pedophile who is trying to fit in at a slumber party.
“Kevin looks like he can’t spell but he beats his girlfriend with dictionaries.”
“I use Bibles. Sam describes his worst dating experience as the time Chris Hansen showed up and ruined everything.”
“Kevin owns five motorcycles which is just him overcompensating for getting kicked out of the Navy and not making Top Gun.”
“But I own 5 motorcycles.”
This was the first strong battle of the night, and while both guys did pretty well, Kevin’s slumber party joke explodes the room and his comebacks stayed present and effective. He takes the win.
In the fourth fight of the night we have the always entertaining, always pacing around the stage Digits versus newcomer Joshua Harrison.
“Joshua, you look like the hair comes with the hat.” — Elon
“I’m just going to stay up here until Digits gets his steps in.” — Jeff
After some punchy pre-round the audience is ready to see what these guy have got.
“Joshua isn’t Jewish. Its just the Hasidic pubes on his head that are.”
“Digits isn’t even a comedian, he claims to be a battle rapper! But I looked up his rap battles online…….and he isn’t one of those either!”
“Joshua suffers from PTSD but it’s not from war, it’s from bombing innocent comedy crowds like you.”
“Thank you Super Barrio! As you can see Digits is full blown Mexican! He is known as a man’s man! Sorry, I said that wrong. He is known for looking like a landscapers landscaper!”
“Thank you R. Kelly Slater. Joshua doesn’t Netflix and chill, he roofies and Hulu’s bitches.”
“Nice one Benicio Fell Zero! Digits is a cholo! Digits looks like he learned to gangbang in prison! Aye, come here foo!”
“Any advice for these young comedians?” — Jeff
“Do better.” — Elon
“With that personality I would imagine he’s a single Digits.” — Greg
While there were several full on misses in this battle the “roofies and Hulu’s” joke got a nice pop, and while I’m not a fan of the “thank you” game, “Thank you, Super Barrio” elicited big laughs from even the most jaded old battler. All considered, Joshua had a solid first time out. Digits gets the win, but may have used more ink on tattoos than on writing jokes. If he can combine his showmanship with some of the writing we’ve seen in the past (See Digits versus Lee Hudson) he could be a force in the future.
Heading towards the home stretch we have the super fun matchup of Silvia Saige versus Greg Roque. In the pre-show writeup I tried to be super woke and not mention Silvia being a pornstar, focusing instead on no sexual attributes.
CUT TO: INT. THE BELLY ROOM – TUESDAY NIGHT. Silvia enters and immediately jerks the mic off like a dick. Humble reporter understands to stop being pussy.
CUT TO: INT. WHEELCHAIR – TUESDAY NIGHT. Greg Roque comes to the stage confident as ever. This dude is coming into his own.
“When she was 16, Silvia fucked her stepbrother. Even before getting into porn, she did bang bros.”
“At 14 Greg suffered a spinal cord injury and was paralyzed. It’s funny now because the only thing he wrestles with is urinals and stairs and the will to live.”
“Silvia got cheap breast implants so each nipple faces a different direction. Her tits are so retarded they can’t even make eye contact.”
“I might be the one who does porn, but Greg’s face is the one that looks like he has herpes. I don’t know whether to give you Proactiv or Valtrex.”
“I would appreciate a good joke. Silvia’s porn is like her comedy, after three minutes, you know the only thing coming out of her mouth is another man’s material.”
“Well at least his jokes have legs.”
“It’s true my legs are tight, but at least they’re tighter than your pussy.”
“I may be easy, but you can’t get hard.”
“I don’t feel bad because no guy gets hard watching your videos.”
“Greg has to have assistance by two men every morning helping him in and out of the shower. It’s too bad that no amount of manpower or soap can wash away your worthlessness.”
“It’s true. I may be a disappointment, but the only person that still loves you is the actor pretending to be your stepson.”
OK, a lot to unpack there. An all around fun and solid battle where I learned A LOT. Paraplegics’ legs apparently get really tight from under-usage and Silvia’s videos do not achieve the desired result of inducing male turgidity; come for the jokes, stay for the knowledge. This battle wasn’t perfect, but it was a raw and brutal and had more bangers than a late 80’s porn shoot. Greg’s polish and experience take the battle, but Silvia showed that she belongs. We should see both of these battlers again soon.
And now the moment that needs no buffering….The Roast Battle MAIN EVENT. After an “electrifying” audience dance interlude, Moses brings thick-maned Josh Waldron to the stage. When asked why he wanted to battle Josh explains:
“Zach is a really great battler and I heard he’s got a really big dick, so I just wanted to score one for us little dicked guys.”
Zach confirms proprietorship of big dick and the battle begins.
“Zach just took a DNA test, turns out he’s 100 percent fat Woody Allen.”
“Everyone calls Josh gay, but he isn’t gay, he just loves Burning Man. So no, I don’t think he should be allowed to get married.”
“Gee Zach maybe that would have hit harder if it didn’t sound like you were eating a stick of butter halfway through a stroke. Zach was born from a surrogate. They got the embryo from the stay puff marshmallow man.”
“You look like you started listening to Michael Jackson after the documentary.”
“Zach got blacked out and let a guy blow him but the gay part was how much Zach wouldn’t stop texting him after.”
“Yes, I got the message, I’ll leave you alone. One time Josh fooled around with a trans woman. I honestly didn’t know it was contagious.”
“Zach may look like a doughboy, but he’s got pills buried in all of your drinks.”
“I wish I had that many pills. Four years ago, Josh gave up alcohol, and found identity in music festivals and looking like that. This roast joke is a paid advertisement brought to you by whiskey.
“Zach just hates that I have a festival body and he has a comic-con body. Zach’s adopted mom beat him. Not physically, just in, like, sports and stuff.”
“Josh’s uncle banged his mom and kidnapped Josh. You’d almost think that was your real dad, if he wasn’t so fucking cool.”
This battle sets the room alight with quick retorts and top tier joke writing. These battlers were well matched and well prepared. You can see why they’ve earned main event status with the originality of their jokes and their ability stay in it no matter how hard they get hit and then hit back just as hard.
The room wants one more joke.
“Josh’s girlfriend left him for one of the guys in LMFAO. Now he looks like this. If only it had been Chris Cornell.”
“Zach Stein’s family survived the holocaust because they only killed the cool Jews.”
“That joke was like after you cum and you try to keep fucking.” – Greg
While the last joke didn’t land, these gentleman had already put on a damn good show. The Roastmaster decides a draw is in order. These are some of my favorite nights in the Belly: imperfect, but worth it.