One of the greatest things about Roast Battle is the
fairness and equality of it all. In a city where your connections are often
more important than your abilities, the show stands apart as a true
meritocracy, rewarding stellar joke writing and giving opportunities to
virtually anyone who asks for them. On any given Tuesday, someone will seize
that opportunity and deliver a standout performance. Two people on a good
night. On this particular Tuesday, four comics stepped up to the plate in
undercards and showed the crowd that they can roast with the best in the
league. But who?! Who are those four comics?! Keep reading, dude, I’m getting
there.

In the night’s opening battle, Tony Bartolone (3-0)
delivered a beatdown to Michael Monsour (1-2)!

This was a really solid opener from everyone involved. The
actual battle jokes paired nicely with great judge banter an inspired
performance from the All-Isis Wave. Quality stuff all around. Let’s check out
some jokes.

TONY: Michael runs a show called Cartoon Graveyard.
“Cartoon” – how everybody sees him. “Graveyard” – how everybody wishes they saw
him.

MICHAEL: Tony, you look like if Kevin Smith ate Kevin Smith.

TONY: Michael, you look like you live in a Gogurt
commercial.

MICHAEL: Tony won’t go to Jumbo’s Clown Room ‘cause if he
wants to see some shitty tits he’ll just take off his shirt.

TONY: Funny you should make fun of my tits. You look like a
kid going through chemo that got to pick out his own wig.

MICHAEL: Tony would be a child molester, but he kept eating
all the candy.

TONY: So I always forget, Michael… are you transitioning
female to male, or male to faggot?

MICHAEL: Tony you fat fucking depressed asshole, you look
like you deep fry your Prozac.

Michael hit his stride about halfway through, but his opener
bombed after he became the fourth person to make a Kevin Smith reference in a
two minute period. He improved a ton from his last battle, but Tony launched
three killers in a row starting with the Gogurt joke. The chemo kid joke is
fantastic, even if it was framed as a rebuttal when it clearly wasn’t, and in
the words of judge Michael Kosta, “it’s just great to hear the word faggot”.

The post-battle judging featured Tony’s lifting up his shirt
and walking towards the judges and All-Isis Wave, prompting a Keith Carey gem –
“when that stomach hit that wave, it was like Allah Akbar meets All Of The
Snackbar”. Tony’s stock is gonna rise significantly after this battle. If the
rankings were ever to make a comeback, I’d suspect his 3-0 record might be
worthy of a Top 25 spot. Just speaking in hypotheticals here. Totally not
foreshadowing anything.

In our next battle, Kyle Gridley (1-1) edged out Keith
Sizemore (0-1)!

These two had a tough time following Hurricane Tony. It
wasn’t a terrible battle by any means, it just lacked some of the pop of the
opener. The pre-battle had a weird moment where the crowd started chanting
“change your shirts” (which was captured above by Brian Moreno, who did a bang-up job filling in for an under-the-weather Troy Conrad) so the battlers did just that. They each took off their
shirt and put on the other person’s shirt. Then the crowd chanted “change them
back”, so they did. It was out of left field and totally bizarre and somehow
100% Roast Battle appropriate. The jokes didn’t move the crowd quite as much as
the wardrobe changes, unfortunately.

KYLE: Keith is poor and has a black girlfriend. Being with
her is the closest he’ll ever get to owning property.

KEITH: Kyle looks like the way his mom feels; covered in
cum.

KYLE: Keith looks like if Woody Allen’s daughter raped him.

KEITH: Kyle sounds like a teapot that just learned racial
slurs. (Earl Skakel: “I wanna buy that teapot!”)

KYLE: Keith worked on an Alaskan fishing boat, but his
Deadliest Catch was still when he took that boy from the park.

KEITH: Kyle looks like a lesbian avocado.

KYLE: Keith looks like he cums earwax.

KEITH: Kyle claims he’s Guatemalan – Guatelamalan. The only
thing Latino about Kyle is his father left him.

Keith’s last joke prompted a “GUATELAMALAN” chant. Props to
Keith for pronouncing it right the first time and then immediately uncorrecting
himself. Always cool to see a battle between two white guys begin and end with
jokes about slavery and Latinos being bad fathers. Well played, gentlemen. The
post-battle banter was on point, with Jeff Ross and Pete Davidson firing shots
at anyone within reach and Earl offering his thoughts on Quincy Jones’ upcoming
special (“if there’s anyone from HBO in here I have full blown AIDS, where’s my
special?”). As for the battle, the avocado joke probably hit the hardest of any
with the crowd, but the judges were feeling Kyle’s Woody Allen joke and gave
him the battle. Nice job, fella.

The middle battle of the evening featured Dave Neal (1-0)
beating Heather Turman (0-1)!

This was a real pitcher’s duel. A defensive struggle. A low
scoring affair. Feel free to insert another sports metaphor for “not good”.
Look, people give bad Roast Battle performances all the time for a variety of
reasons. My favorite has to be “I’m not familiar with the show or how it
works”. It’s an oldie but a goodie. Heather played that role to a T here. Let’s
see some jokes.

HEATHER: Dave’s dick is like an Allen wrench, guys. It’s
small, curved, and so pointless you’re better off using your hands.

DAVE: Heather looks like Kimmy Gibler if she got beat up by
Uncle Joey.

HEATHER: Dave looks like the incestuous lovechild of Gary
and Penny Marshall. (ED. NOTE: After this joke was met with silence she added,
“he looks exactly like that!”)

DAVE: Heather met her Mexican wife on match.com. It’s great
to see two different cultures settle.

HEATHER: I saw Dave perform at least six times before I
realized he wasn’t Erin Foley. (ED. NOTE: After this joke was met with
confusion she added, “come on, we’re in a room full of comics!”)

DAVE: Heather’s obsessed with Madonna. You can tell by her
act. Like a Virgin, Bombing For The Very First Time.

HEATHER: Dave, nice tits. I honestly don’t know whether to
be jealous because I want them, or just try to feel you up.

DAVE: Heather likes to dress up like Madonna but she’s too
flat for the cone-shaped bra so she wears Bugles.

Man. This was rough. A few of the jokes actually look really
good on paper – the Allen wrench one and the match.com one are both quality.
But the crowd was just not feeling this at all. Dave took the win by unanimous
decision but it almost felt irrelevant. On the plus side, Coach Tea got to bust
out lots of great GAME OVER video game sound effects and slide whistles and
shit. Between Kimmy Gibler, Penny Marshall, and multiple Madonna references,
this battle felt like something that was pulled out of a time capsule with a
handful of Pogs. Now let us rebury it and never speak of it again.

In the penultimate battle of the night, Quentin Moscaritolo
(3-0) curb stomped Jason Rennebu (0-2)!

After the lackluster showing in the previous battle, we
needed something to get the crowd back. Enter Coach Tea, bringing Jason up to
the stage with “I Wish (I Was A Little Bit Taller)” by Skee Lo. Coach Tea
cements his status as the World’s Greatest DJ every Tuesday. Fuck Calvin Harris
and Skrillex and all those EDM nerds, the best in the business is posted up in
the back corner of the Belly Room. Keith Carey landed an early punch, saying
that this battle was like Porky Pig vs. one of the Monstars from Space Jam.
Ultimately it ended up more like the Harlem Globetrotters vs. the Washington
Generals except slightly less competitive.

QUENTIN: Jason’s such an alcoholic, girls have to chase his
cum with salt and a lime.

JASON: Quentin’s a dual threat. He’s tall enough to play
basketball, and funny enough to play basketball.

QUENTIN: Jason’s a waiter. Some of his duties include
serving, taking orders, and welcoming people to the Lollipop Guild.

JASON: Quentin’s had multiple suicide attempts, true story.
I just hope his suicide notes are funnier and more original than his comedy.

QUENTIN: Jason looks like his best friend is his extra
chromosome.

JASON: So apparently Quentin’s girlfriend left him for his
best friend. Cheer up, guy. Your girlfriend may be gone, but your comedy material
will still be there to fuck you forever.

QUENTIN: Jason opens for Nick Swardson. Actually, Jason’s
act is a lot like an Adam Sandler movie. All the funny parts are written by
Nick Swardson.

JASON: I’d rather open my mouth for Nick Swardson than open
my wrist for Flappers.

Oof. Jason was nothing if not thorough, taking shots at Quentin,
Moses, and Earl and failing miserably every time. The logic of going into that
room and ripping on a beloved figure like Earl will always escape me,
especially if you’re halfway into a battle you’re losing badly. After the
battle Jason’s beating continued.

JEFF ROSS: Jason, I love you. Those terrible jokes, you have
awesome confidence, you went in there with no material.

JASON: I tried to research this guy, he has no body of work.

JEFF: Well you have no body, so…

MICHAEL KOSTA: They say that every inch over 6’2” takes like
three years off your life expectancy, so Quentin’s gonna die before everyone.
But he’s gonna die as a way funnier person than Jason.

JEFF: He [Jason] looks like Richard Dreyfus in Jaws after
the shark ate half his body.

JASON: I just want to say congratulations to Quentin. He may
have won the roast, but if he kills himself in the next few days, I win.

KIM CONGDON: You wrote a joke planning to lose?

Damn. Jason was so aggressively bad that it almost
distracted from Quentin’s performance in the room. His jokes were sensational,
especially considering both guys took the battle on one week’s notice. Just
sharp, funny, mean material. Quentin’s 3-0 record would also probably be worthy
of a Top 25 Roast Battle Ranking. If only someone would bring them back!

And in our main event, Ramsey Badawi (2-0) snatched victory
from the jaws of defeat against David Deery (0-1-1)!

Holy shit. This was a battle. Just ask Jeremiah Watkins, who
was both beheaded and waterboarded by the All-Isis Wave due to the quality of
the battle. The heat started early, with observations on Ramsey (“He looks like
gay Al Madrigal!” – Josh Meyerowitz), David (“Oh shit, 1988 FBI is here” –
Michael Kosta), and both of them collectively (“This battle is like Isis vs.
Mid Life Crisis” – Jeff Ross). Both of these guys came in with guns blazing – they
had brilliantly crafted jokes to go with great stage presence. The result was a
heavyweight fight that would be shown 30 years from now on the Roast Battle
Classic Network if that was a thing.

RAMSEY: David is a vegetarian if you don’t consider eating
dick on stage a meat product.

DAVID: Ramsey’s from Palestine, so this won’t be the first
member of his family to get roasted by a Jew.

RAMSEY: David how is it possible that you’re standing on
stage with an Arab and you’re the one who looks like a gas station employee?

DAVID: Ramsey lives in Orange County; the rest of his family
lives in orange jumpsuits.

RAMSEY: David you old creepy looking hipster, you look like
you got kicked out of Mumford and Sons for molesting one of the sons.

DAVID: Oh yeah Ramsey, well you look like you’re in an Isis
boy band called “98 Degrees Melts Steel Beams”.

RAMSEY: David actually calls himself “Motherfuckin’ David
Deery”. Everyone else calls him “Marc Maron with leukemia”.

DAVID: The only way “Ramsey Badawi” is getting on the wall
of The Comedy Store is when he flies a plane into it.

I had Deery edging the battle slightly, and so did Pete
Davidson and Michael Kosta, who both gave him the win. The crowd began to pressure
them for overtime, but Moses stepped in and reminded everyone that David had
already gotten two votes and should be declared the winner. It was at that
point that David did the pimpest shit I’ve ever seen at Roast Battle. He
demanded overtime. Moses double checked. “You don’t want to win?” he asked. “I
want to win by doing the best joke in overtime!” David responded. The room
exploded. “I’ve never seen a Jew not take the money,” Moses commented, and with
that, we went to sudden death.

RAMSEY: David is Jewish and a pizza chef. How sad, your
family started out in an oven and now you spend 40 hours a week just outside of
one.

DAVID: Ramsey’s parents are traditional Muslims. They’re
very old school. They don’t have Facebook, but they do have a book made out of
a gay man’s face.

The crowd exploded equally on both, but there was one
problem. All three judges didn’t understand David’s joke. Their genuine
confusion turned out to be David’s downfall. “So because you’re dumb, I lose?!”
a bewildered David Deery screamed at the judges. Yeah buddy. That’s basically
the gist of it. Look, I said that David did the pimpest shit ever, not the
smartest. He cost himself a win but at the end of the day the records aren’t
important (that’s just me sugar coating things, records are literally the only
thing that matters in life). Kudos to Ramsey for delivering a killer punch in
OT and taking the victory. The bottom line is that both of these guys crushed
and showed that they deserve big battles in the near future. Between these two,
Tony Bartolone, and Quentin Moscaritolo, this Tuesday night produced four new
battle stars. In the words of Ice Cube, I have to say it was a good day.

JOKES OF THE NIGHT

TONY BARTOLONE: You look like a kid going through chemo that
got to pick out his own wig.

QUENTIN MOSCARITOLO: Jason’s such an alcoholic, girls have
to chase his cum with salt and a lime.

RAMSEY BADAWI: David how is it possible that you’re standing
on stage with an Arab and you’re the one who looks like a gas station employee?

DAVID DEERY: The only way “Ramsey Badawi” is getting on the
wall of The Comedy Store is when he flies a plane into it.

JEFF ROSS (on David Deery): You look like you’re here to
warn us all about an earthquake.

Thanks for reading the report. I went 2-3 on
picks. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Josh Waldron will be stepping back in
this coming week but I’ll be back at some point to write another report. My
goal is to be the deadbeat dad of the Roast Report, showing up once every month
or two to take my kid out for ice cream and make him think everything is gonna
be cool before I bounce again. Until next time, listen to the Verbal Violence
podcast, contact LA SpeedWeed for stuff to help with whatever bullshit ailment
you made up to get that green card, and tune in to the Roast Battle Periscope
every Tuesday night.

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