Let’s give it up for the Wave and Coach Tea. Coach is often the funniest person in the room. We’re all trying to stay on top and have the next great spoken joke. Coach is trying to do that with sound effects while setting the vibe of the whole place with music. Big ups for that. The Wave seems to surprise us every week with shotgun improv, skewering battlers, judges and current events all in just a few seconds. When their powers combine, that’s how you know the show is popping off. They usually get together after a crusher of a roast joke or if anyone mentions certain hit songs. They keep the energy up and we should all be grateful because it can be a long show.
Movement in the tourney bracket! Pat Barker now awaits the winner of Jay Light versus Hormoz Rashidi! The battles next week should provide a little more clarity into who might make the final four. Don’t forget to hit up Roast Battle’s Twitter to vote on who might win! We also have a full tourney voting page at roastbattle.co!
Okay. One more Troy Conrad beauty before we recap…
Look out below,
Ivan Reitman’s son Jason Reitman!
In our first undercard, Victor Martinez (1-0, 55) KO’d Caesar Lizardo(0-1, 133) !
“I don’t think you’re gonna make weight.” – Omid Singh (6-3, 5) to Victor
That would start a banner night for Omid and his return to the Haters table. Great battle that I was totally wrong about. Why are their shirts off? Caesar looks like this guy and Victor looks like this guy. They both had great intros, complete with zings and banter with the Haters. But that’s where the positive notes would stop. At least for Caesar.
CAESAR ON VICTOR
“Victor is a Mexican who doesn’t speak Spanish. He’s also a comedian who doesn’t do comedy.”
“Victor is good to bring to Christmas parties because he’s an ugly sweater.”
Ok, that last joke is smart and mean. The crowd did not give it enough. Caesar had the bravado of a great roaster but all of his other jokes left a little to be desired. Victor on the other hand slowly walked a thin line between really funny and kinda campy. He had a bit of that ol’ pro wrestler vibe but not too much to where it was annoying.
VICTOR ON CAESAR
“Caesar’s full name is Caesar Augusto Lizardo Garcia. His mother named him after all the dudes that could be his father.”
“Caesar jokes about looking like Drake but lives with his mom. The only time your hotline’s gonna bling is when dinner’s ready.”
Those two jokes rocked the room. Congrats Vic! Now keep your gd shirt on.
? ? / ? ? ?!
The second undercard found Joe Eurell (2-0, 48) victorious over Erik Wargo (0-2, 139)!
SPECIAL NEEDS! SPECIAL NEEDS! SPECIAL NEEDS! You thought other battlers were gonna get down shirtless and Joe wasn’t gonna partake? This was a great battle. Coach Tea started us off with perfect theme music for these two, referencing Superman for Joe and Breaking Bad for Erik. Erik came hot with good jokes and great energy but they weren’t enough.
ERIK ON JOE
“Joe Eurell’s always been a big fan of wrestling. You can tell by the way he sports a Crippler Crossface.”
“Joe Eurell’s always drinking Mountain Dew because he’s got an extreme condition.”
Joe, on the other hand, had the crowd pretty much won by the time he was up there with his shirt off. He also had the jokes to match.
JOE ON ERIK
“Erik and I both struggle with CP, mine being cerebral palsy, his being child porn.”
“Erik, you’re a 35 year old open micer who lives with his mom, I might be a cripple, but you really are fucking lame.”
He really rolled to victory. I tip my handi-cap to him. Wheel anyone be able to take him down? Not just in Roast Battle, can someone take him down the stairs? He’s still in the Belly Room.
? ? / ? ? ?!
In the Main Event, Dan Nolan (4-0, 9) prevailed over Jeanne Whitney (31, 3-1)!
Welcome to the top ten Thunder Dan! The Committee decided to reward his win streak, battle quality and rare victory over the opposite sex. That’s for
no one everyone who asks me who the ranks work. Such a wild, weird and wonderful battle. A drunk Brent Morin grabbed a hold of the energy early with mediocre freestyle rapping and a beef with Omid. Hey Brent, I’m sure Omid would battle you if you want? Maybe after a few less drinks? Super close battle! The first round went to Jeanne and the second to Dan but both could have gone either way. They had great jokes but were kinda overshadowed by the craziness that went on outside the ring.
JEANNE ON DAN
“Dan used to be self destructive by doing heroin, now he hurts others by doing comedy.
"Dan looks like he knows a lot about binoculars”
“Dan looks like he ejaculates in his pants every time he thinks about tractors.”
“A lot of people don’t know this but Dan’s dad is a retired DJ and his mom is a retarded bird.”
“Dan looks like a pedophile who keeps getting outsmarted by the kids he tries to fuck.”
We got such different judge experiences. Iliza was like everyone’s older sister who knows she’s better at this than everyone. Candice was like the Good Witch of the North. Brent was every kind of judge, both good and bad. And Guy picked up any scraps that were left, as he’s probably familiar with. In the end, the judges all sided with Dan and his brilliant, slut-shaming jokes.
DAN ON JEANNE
“I’m not sure alcoholism is hereditary, but there’s a Jeanne that makes me want a drink whenever I have to sit through her shitty standup.”
“I’m surprised Jeanne doesn’t have track marks. From dudes running train on her.”
“Jeanne grew up near Indianapolis, the home of NASCAR. And she’s had her face buried in 500 laps.”
“Jeanne wants to be an actress but she can’t even get a part in her mousy hair.”
“Jeanne can’t act, but she has gotten an ‘Oscar’. That’s what she calls being eaten out by a dude who lives in a garbage can.”
KABOOM! Dan also had this nervous, jittery, Spongebob-esque laugh that would follow awkward moments, another lasting side-effect from his addiction.
? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?!
And in a bit of a schedule switch, the only tourney battle of the night closed as out as Pat Barker (1-0, RBR) eliminated Luke Schwartz (0-1, RBR)!
Another night, another Comedy Store employee removed from tournament play. That leaves just Jay Light, Frank Castillo, Rich Slaton and Hormoz Rashidi as the only ones left who can win this thing on home turf, and two of them face each other. Luke didn’t do poorly. Had a joke bomb but that was because he stumbled on the punch. Pat had a joke bomb that was a little too clever for the room.
LUKE ON PAT
“Pat has a really full beard. Her name is Tiffany and they’re married.”
“Pat’s wife is so fat, I’m surprised Jamar isn’t fucking her right now.”
Luke has a serious problem with Pat’s wife. That may have been his downfall. Most of his jokes were about someone that wasn’t even there. And by all accounts, Mrs. Barker is a lovely woman. Pat, once again, had very smart jokes but a couple were a tad too long. These two, however, were enough to send Luke packing.
PAT ON LUKE
“Fuck this alcoholic. I should’ve battled the wheelchair kid earlier. Not only is he way funnier but way more likely to complete twelve steps.”
“Luke is Jewish but his comedy career is a lot like the Torah. It’s long, it’s going backwards and it wouldn’t be shit without Moses.”
And Pat moves on to the next round…
? ? / ? ? ?!
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Jeanne can’t act, but she has gotten an ‘Oscar’. That’s what she calls being eaten out by a dude who lives in a garbage can.” – Dan Nolan
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Jeanne wants to be an actress but she can’t even get a part in her mousy hair.” – Dan Nolan
I am 62-41 in picks and my tourney bracket is already busted. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow pod sponsor Living Extracts on Twitter and IG. Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email email@example.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.