Woo! I would say “sorry for the late report” but there’s no deadline when you’re your own boss. Sorry for the late report tho. Just know that ya boy Josh has a cool reason to be so distracted from his reporter duties. I love the commitment in this picture. Not only from Jeremiah and Haiti but from Frank Castillo. He’s a crucial member of the Negro Wave despite not being a negro and a dedicated Comedy Store employee. I got one of my biggest laughs of the night watching him make sure he cleaned the stage throughout the show. Hey, it makes his job easier at the end of the night. How about a hand for every cog in the machine that is the Comedy Store? They work hard to bring us this glorious show every week. Alright, I’m just rambling in order to make a decent sized intro paragraph. I’m running on very little sleep. Check the pod. Check some pot. And let’s dive into a very average night!

In the first undercard, Matt Cole was swept under the rug by Tony Alfano!

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“It looks like the battle of two wedding DJs.” – Mike Lawrence

Mike Lawrence started early with the zings and didn’t let up the whole night. I’d say this was the “White Power” battle but that would suggest Matt had showed any power. I love you Matty but you should know how to roast by now. Also, wear anything else to your battles, Matt. You dress like the most suicidal person at an ITT Tech mechanic’s program. Tony didn’t inspire a lot of confidence with his intro joke but the rest of his jokes popped and sealed an easy W.

TONY ON MATT

“The only way Matt can touch his toes is when he loses his foot to diabetes.”

“Matt Cole shares his name with a gay porn star; so at least there’s one Matt Cole who is getting paid to eat dick.”

Matt’s voice and delivery sound like they’re Roast Battle ready but his “jokes” are missing any discernible punchline. His first two jokes got zeroes and his last one was less of a joke and more like gossip that Tony’s aunt wouldn’t shut up about at an Alfano family reunion.

MATT ON TONY

“Tony married his pregnant girlfriend KNOWING she’s the one, and she married him KNOWING that the baby wasn’t his!”

“Tony started a Misfits cover to carry on his father’s legacy of reproducing worthless garbage created in the 80’s.”   

Kudos to Matt for coming back to look like a fool. He’s very roastable and I’m sure the judges/Haters/Moses have a blast making fun of him.

?/???! Tony’s jokes kept it from landing on the Poo Scale.

In the second undercard, Joe Eurell got back in the win column against Steve Lee!

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We’ve made fun of a lot of people throughout the course of the show. Blacks. Women. Josh Martin. But these two got DESTROYED in the intros. They got roasted by everyone for longer than they roasted each other. 

“Does he have cerebral palsy or did his mom fuck a T-Rex” – Tony Hinchcliffe on Joe

“Does someone speak Crippl-ese?” – Mike Lawrence on Joe

“Someone please turn off his garbage disposal.” Tom Goss on Joe

“Leave this kid alone he’s got to get back to St. Jude’s by midnight.” – Earl Skakel on Joe

“Hey guys, it’s the NBC show “First Comic Dying”. – Mike Lawrence on both guys. (I forgot how great this joke was.)

“This is the opposite of whatever Make-A-Wish is.” – Tony Hinchcliffe on both guys.

This was the “We’re All Gonna Burn For This One” battle. I’m shocked there wasn’t a blog written in their defense. But, having said all that, it was a terrific battle.

JOE ON STEVE

"Steve had to leave China because people kept trying to make his hands into herbal medicine.”

“Steve looks like he was mauled by a pack of dogs as revenge for eating their mother.”

It speaks to Joe’s writing ability that he doesn’t have the ability to speak and he still gets bigger pops from the crowd than most able-bodied comedians. He could have lost it on a garbled joke he tried to deliver after the battle was over. Steve had a great showing but couldn’t keep up with Joe. Mostly because Joe has wheels.

STEVE ON JOE

“Joe looks a little like Abraham Lincoln, right after they shot him.”

“Joe’s wheelchair is his own short bus.”

Great job to both comedians. Let it be known that despite Steve’s loss and disability, he still comes off as more of a winner than Matt Cole.

??/???!

In the third undercard, Caesar Lizardo overcame adversity and handed Courtney Banks her first loss!

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“This is like the battle of the stripper and the guy who didn’t tip her well enough.” – Mike Lawrence

I have mixed feelings about how this battle played out and its result. I had no idea Caesar was battling for his Comedy Store livelihood. I love a good “Loser Leaves Town” match but the stakes should be set off stage, not as the show begins. Give it up for Caesar. He fought through his unlikeable stage presence and had some quality jokes.

CAESAR ON COURTNEY

“Courtney has a lot in common with her podcast; no one wants to listen but it doesn’t stop a bunch of comics from coming on em.” 

“Courtney’s pussy is like the beach: it’s been smashed over and over again by the Wave.”

Then there’s Courtney. I picked her to win and truly believed she would but she showed a little too much hubris in the comments of the preview post. Her jokes were poorly received by a crowd that was set up to like her more than her opponent. Talk about dropping the ball.

COURTNEY ON CAESAR

“Caesar should just start saying he’s Middle Eastern so at least someone will be proud by how often he bombs.”

“Caesar lost his last battle for saying a fourth, final joke. I’m glad he did it was nice to see a black man’s murder that was justified.”

Congrats my man. See you next week and know that you earned your place there. Just have a less shitty demeanor and people probably won’t try to get you banned. Big time probably. Sorry door guys. #thisisjustablog

And in the Main Event, Alex Duong brought great dishonor in his loss to Dan Noaln!

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“When I saw an Asian guy with a Dodgers hat, I assumed he had “Nomo” jokes.” – Tony Hinchcliffe, with a joke that deserved more.

This is a beautiful shot. It captures every Roast Battle emotion. You have the agony of defeat as shown by Alex. You have the ecstasy of victory as shown by Dan Nolan. Then, of course, you have the frustration of Brian Moses about not being able to get Caesar banned. Make sure you’re following Troy Conrad’s photography page to see all of pictures he takes that represent the Los Angeles comedy scene. Let’s get to these jokes!

DAN ON ALEX

“Alex has a hard time fucking his Asian girlfriend because someone keeps blurring out both their genitals.”

“Alex gets most of his acting work by sending out headshots with mouth holes cut into them.”

“Alex had a problem with coke. So since he Chinese, he play joke, he put peepee in that coke.”

“Alex looks like his favorite sexual position is Gangnam Style.”

“Alex is an actor but his most popular rolls are fried and full of pork and rice.”

“It’s nice to battle someone knowing whether they win or lose, their Asian parents will still be disappointed.”

This was a classic case of Dan having more jokes than Alex. Like 10-1. Alex has done so well in previous battles but had more bombs in this one than any of his other fights. That being said, he had a chance to win in the third round as it was even after two.

ALEX ON DAN

“Dan hasn’t used in over a year: drugs or his tooth brush.”

“You look like a used banjo salesman.”

“It’s a shame you’re not Asian since you know exactly where to lay the track marks.”

“Dans the only white guy you can support for 9 cents a day.”

“I bet if you look in the mirror and say “Dan Nolan” three times, his drug dealer shows up.”

“Dan’s shot up so much heroin, it’s considered a hate crime.”

This was a “good, not great” Main Event but there was never a dull moment. Except all the dull moments when Alex told poor jokes. Mike Lawrence had one more red-hot roast joke for Alex then we called it a night. 

“Wow, those jokes died faster than your baby sister.” – Mike on Alex

Congrats Dan!

JOKES OF THE NIGHT

“Matt Cole shares his name with a gay porn star; so at least there’s one Matt Cole who is getting paid to eat dick.”

“Steve looks like he was mauled by a pack of dogs as revenge for eating their mother.”

“Joe’s wheelchair is his own short bus.”

“Courtney has a lot in common with her podcast; no one wants to listen but it doesn’t stop a bunch of comics from coming on em.”

“Alex has a hard time fucking his Asian girlfriend because someone keeps blurring out both their genitals.”

Most everything Mike Lawrence said.

I am 98-64 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.

WRITTEN BY YA BOY JOSH

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