by Josh Waldron
Ooh, look at our fancy new digs! For those new to the Roast Report, we’ve officially joined the VerbalViolence.tv team! In addition to preview and review coverage, we have some other fun new things planned. Right below this post is another Battler Spotlight, where we’ll take a closer look at some of our more interesting battlers. Video highlights will be available soon for some of the hottest moments the show has had to offer. And have you ever thought “Oh, man…remember that one time?” about the Roast Battle? Well, we’re gonna bring back some of the best moments of the past with Throwback Battle of the Week! I have a feeling Olivia Grace (4-2-1, #15) will be heavily involved in that. As always, the podcast is on the site and a must-listen. Now order some pot from our sponsors at LA SpeedWeed and let’s get to business!
This week’s judges are all male for the second week in a row. We expect that the crackdown from feminist bloggers is around the corner.
Nick Youssef had a stellar turn as a judge last time he was here and I expect greatness from him again. He recently won the internet on @midnight. He has a hilarious album that you need to own. And, as with most of our judges, he has a weekly podcast you can listen to if you can’t get enough Youssef. David Taylor is one of the most hate-filled individuals at the Comedy Store but he’s a necessary evil. He once called a woman a cunt for not being more impressed that I could speak French. His podcast, “Until I Lose Interest” is really good. He’s great interviewer and asks the tough questions. Greg Fitzsimmons is back once again! He too has an excellent podcast, Fitzdog Radio that’s worth a few listens. All three are super funny dudes who always have sick burns and on-point analysis every time they’re here.
The first undercard of the evening pits Keith Reza (2-1, Unranked) against Seth Woodward (1-2, Unranked)!
Keith looks like an office drone who is one broken vending machine away from snapping and going on a rampage. Seth looks like a homeless orchestra conductor. I lost sleep over how baggy his clothes will be tonight. Both of these guys have taken their fair share of trips to the ring, and write smart jokes that are occasionally too heady for the room. Which awkward, bespectacled basement-dweller will prevail? Only time will tell.
Undercard number two: newbie Greg Roque (0-0) versus Joe Eurell (3-2, #29)!
This will actually be a four-man battle if you include the selfless people that have to carry these two up the stairs. Can we get a ramp already? Greg is a rookie but he looks like a wheelchair diva. Maybe he’ll wear purple again to pay homage to Prince? Joe is one of my favorites despite looking like a Chestburster from Alien. He’s got three wins which is no easy feat for someone who is hard to understand. Plus, he’s not handed wins due to his condition – he earns his victories and deserves his losses just the same as the rest of us. He’s also one of the only battlers to ever get the best of Tony Hinchcliffe during a battle. I hope you’re as excited as I am to kick this battle into 4-wheel drive!
The third undercard of the evening has Lindsey Jennings (1-2, Unranked) looking for redemption against David Deery (0-1-1, #35)!
These two are great. Lindsey is a dear friend. She’s a little new to comedy but she’s already made her way around the block, both in the comedy scene and sexually. She’s the only girl I know whose wedding dress will probably be a technicolor dreamcoat. Lindsey has had some good battle moments but some might say her one win has an asterisk. I’m excited to see if she earns a quality W this time around. Deery has had some great battles. He’s newer around the Comedy Store but he’s already an irreplaceable part of the team, having helped out with Kill Tony for a few months now. His battle history doesn’t include a victory but the rest of the ranking committee saw fit to rank him highly anyway. That’s how impressive he’s been.
And in the final undercard, Mike Schmidt (2-0, #40) matches up with the return of Heather Marulli (1-0, Unranked)!
I expect big things from this undercard. Mike, one of the Store’s newest door guys, has been a solid B+ in his battles. He’s won both, but something was missing. That something kept from a higher spot in the top 50. His look, vibe and delivery scream “middle management”. Heather is a prime candidate for Throwback Battle of the Week. Her blistering takedown of Ernie Stone (1-1, Unranked) is the stuff of legend. I hope Mike didn’t lay pipe on her before the battle or he may suffer the same fate. Also, she’s a lot of lady and he’d be too tuckered to roast.
In tonight’s Main Event, Pat Barker (8-2, #3) faces off against Dan Nolan (5-2, #12)
These two are a combined 13-4, but they’re undefeated in our hearts. This photo of Pat at a wedding is probably the greatest he’ll ever look, even though that collar is hanging on for dear life and that hairline is sprinting away as we speak. Then, of course, there’s Dan Nolan. Dan was a contributing member of society until drugs happened and we gained the stuttering, toothy mess we know and love. Dan and Pat are two of our best as evidenced by their records, ranks, and battle history. I think this will be a Main Event for the ages and possibly spill into a fourth round. Will Pat inch closer to being our first ten win Battler? Will Dan land the upset? Tune in tonight to find out!
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person.