by Josh Waldron
I’ve missed you! Though I must say, it’s been nice being a fan these last few weeks. Whether watching on Periscope or in my usual seat next to Meyrowitz, the show is always electric. As we get closer to our Comedy Central debut, the Roastmaster would like to remind you to check out a taping in your city! If you’re a reader outside of Los Angeles, first of all, thank you. Secondly, check it out live! Nothing comes close to the energy this show brings about. We’ve got a bit of a light fight night this week compared to the six-fight shows of weeks past, but all four battles tonight look to whip the room into a frenzy.
Let’s get one thing clear: if you want to make it as a dude in this business, you need to have brown hair and wear a blue top. No exceptions. Brent Morin and Rick Glassman are still recovering from the recent cancellation of their NBC show Undateable. Turns out it was unrenewable. Last time Brent was here, he was aggressively booed by the crowd for being drunk and hitting on the roasters in lieu of actual judging, Rick has been a consistently good judge despite having unconventional reasons for choosing the winner. He looks like every scientist in a movie about dinosaurs. Jeff Dye is one of our favorite judges and the nicest guy in comedy. He’s also a huge fan of the show. He’s there on Periscope every week making sure to raise the spirits of the competitors after they’re blown to pieces by unforgiving Internet commenters. We also have some special guest judges dropping by! Loved his/her last album.
Our first battle features some rookies as Jose Trevizo (0-0, Unranked) and Mario Mabe (0-0, Unranked) enter the Thunderdome!
It seems every week that a new pair of roasters join the fray. Sometimes you get lucky and it’s Felicia Folkes versus Nicole Becannon! Other times, it’s this trainwreck. Now, these two claim to be comedians but are as unknown as Earl Skakel’s (4-1-1, #10) STD count. Jose at least has a Twitter account, but it’s barely one. Check out some of his gems:
“I’ll murder cocains mother while doing a keg stand.”
“One day I kicked life so hard in the face I broke it.”
How charming. Not much is known about Mario Mabe. “Maybe” he’ll be good? “Probably” not. His Facebook account is full of pictures of rainbows, which suggests he could a little too soft for Roast Battle. No matter what, one of these guys will become a winner after the match. Unless they’re truly awful and we all wind up losing.
In the second battle, Robbie Kirkhuff (2-0, #32) returns to battle the only thing larger than his receding hairline, Zane Pond (2-2, Unranked)!
I love these two. Robbie’s last battle was the same night as Zane’s debut, so they each may have an idea of each other’s style. “Blobbie” Kirkhuff looks like the only person in “The Walking Dead” who has to pay his zombie ex-wife alimony. He’s a good joke writer and has great stage presence. Zane has been a roller coaster in his battles, which is ironic because he cannot fit onto most roller coasters. He looks like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man was found at a gay bar. I’m not sure who will win, but I am sure it will be Earl’s favorite battle.
In our last undercard, Roast Battle’s long lost uncle Rich Slaton (3-3, Unranked) is back and is set to take on Frank “Mijo” Castillo (8-5, #11)!
Much like the Dosch/Skakel tangle from last week, this undercard features battlers who are Main Event-worthy. Rich was a heavyweight from the earliest days of the show. He’s been in Roast Battle hibernation as he focuses on his MMA analysis and not updating his web site, but we’re ready to welcome him back with open, gloved arms. Frank is still riding high off of dismantling Stuart Thompson (4-4, #27) and finally impressing his madre. Most babies are born bald but Frank was born balding. Bald eagles look at Frank and think it’s time for a hair piece. These two are dear friends and fantastic writers, and that always leads to an all-time battle.
Finally, in our Main Event, “Battering” Ramsey Badawi (2-0, #25) is matched up with Jeff Sewing (2-0-1, #24)!
This will be an instant classic Main Event. Both of these guys have shown in the past that they are some of the funniest and most original roasters to fight in the last year. Ramsey has been excellent in his battles. He dominated his first one, and pulled the second one out of his ass when David Deery (0-1-2, #38) inexplicably requested overtime when he had already won. He’s on the must-watch list for both Roast Battle and the TSA. Jeff has an impressive Roast Battle pedigree as well. He is the only person besides our top-ranked battler Alex Hooper (8-2, #1) to topple ice queen Leah Kayajanian (6-3-1, #3). He’s also received a draw against Jonathan Rowell (0-1-1, Unranked) because their battle was so good that it wasn’t right to make one of them a loser. Who will win? The semi-bearded hipster with glasses or the semi-bearded hipster with glasses? Show up tonight to find out!
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.