It’s Tuesday night and we have the return of some belly room favorites as well as a virgin sacrifice.
We only have one confirmed judge, but it’s a great one. Feminist icon JC Coccoli will be lending her signature wit to the VIP section. JC was in the movie “Tooken,” which sounds like it would be a horrible spoof, but is actually a fucking great movie. She’s also been on MTV, Comedy Central and has a slew of other credits, so she’s bound to be a great judge.
Since we like to start our week’s sacrificing virgins with brutal verbal bashings our first battle features virgin battlers Kala Keller and Chris Ferdinandson. Not only does Kala Keller share my last name, which obviously makes her better than most people, from what I can gather from the internet, Kala is the mother of two and currently a billion weeks pregnant. This will make her the first battler EVER to battle while pregnant, well, that KNEW they were pregnant. That’s pretty fucking cool. Maybe she’ll have the baby on stage and we’ll have our first ever roast battle baby, if it’s a boy she’ll be required to call him Brody after the late, great Brody Stevens and if it’s a girl, The Wave, because she will inevitably be smashed by them. Chris Ferdinandson has a last name that goes on way too long, it’s like the just kept adding more because it wasn’t long enough. Chris is from California, just like his opponent, and he looks like the guy that you can’t get to leave your party. Despite these two never battling before, they both are PLENTY roastable, so I except a good match. Regardless, you should definitely tune in in case Kala gives birth on stage.
Next up we have April Lotshaw vs. Andrew Pupa. Both of these two have battled in the past, but it’s been a while. We last saw April beating the homeless hobbit Tony Bartolone in an impressive 5-joke main event back in the end of 2017. Andrew Pupa was last seen losing to Neal Lockwood in a tight-fought undercard in the end of 2016, his handicap being his extremely thick Boston accent. Both of these two are well-rested and know the game, so I expect well-written jokes and some fun jabs at how stupid Bostonian’s sound.
Next up we have the Bisexual Beast Kelsey Lane taking on Selene Whittington. Both of these ladies are seasoned battlers; however, Kelsey definitely has more experience in the ring than Selene, having battled nearly every month for the past 2 years. Kelsey has improved exponentially since her first battles and continues to learn and get stronger every battle. She’s always fun to watch, she owns who she is and fires back with an infectious excitement. Selene is an equally captivating performer with a very different energy, she’s more cool, collected and deliberate with her delivery, making her a joke sniper. Both of these ladies are great performers and joke writers, so this is going to be an amazing match.
Our last undercard of the night features Josh Waldron vs. Deirdre Devlin. Both of these battlers have been stepping into the ring monthly lately, and racking up some very impressive battles. Josh has been around Roast Battle since the inception and has steadily made a name for himself. His battles are always consistent, he comes with well-written jokes and has so much fun on stage the audience can’t help but have fun with him. He’s coming off a win against Todd Walker last month, so hopefully his confidence is up and he can deliver his well-crafted insults with a calmness we don’t always see from him. Deirdre burst onto the scene a few months back and has been impressing us ever since. She’s an Emmy-winning writer, and she proves why every time she battles. She’s coming off a loss against Unruly Heather Marulli last month, in a very impressive battle where Heather was at the top of her game and barely edged out Deirdre. Deirdre is certain to be out to prove herself and regain a winning record, so we can expect her to come with everything her award-winning brain can muster.
Our main event features John-Michael Bond vs. Caesar Lizardo. One of these men is a father, and it’s not the one with dad bod. Caesar Lizardo made a name for himself after he went 8-0 on one of the longest winning streaks in roast battle history, he’s been nominated for several “roasties” including joke of the year. Caesar has struggled to get a W recently, perhaps because he’s too busy “being a good dad” to right jokes (blech, come on dude, get your priorities straight), he’s coming off a loss to Isaac Hirsch back in January, but it was an impressive battle. John-Michael Bond is a seasoned battler with some epic battles against some of roast battle’s finest. He’s a phenomenal writer and his off-the-cuff remarks combined with an effortless delivery make him a formidable opponent. Both of these men are excellent battlers and I expect this one to burn the house down.