Hey there. Josh Waldron needed a break from the grueling
world of Roast Battle coverage, so he called me in to help this week. My name’s
Pat Barker. You may have seen me in the picture right above this paragraph.
I’ll do my best to fill in this week while Josh pours over game film from his
last battle to see what he needs to change to get back in the win column (hint
– start with your hair and clothes and jokes). It’s gonna be a great week at
Roast Battle with five super undercards and zero main events! That ratio seems
off but what do I know! Let’s meet the judges! Wait, why are there judges?
Undercards don’t have judges. Fuck it, let’s meet them anyway!
Michael Kosta is a good comic and was once ranked the 864th
best tennis player in the world. Not quite a Bo Jackson level double threat but
not bad. SNL’s Pete Davidson will make his highly anticipated judging debut,
and if his performance at the Justin Bieber Roast is any indication, he’ll have
a lot of funny shit to say throughout the night. And rounding out the panel
will be the Roastmaster himself, Jeff Ross. You may have heard of him. Kind of
a big deal in the roasting community.
Our first battle of the evening features Michael Monsour
(1-1, 127) vs. Tony Bartolone (2-0, 51)!
Really excited to finally see Jay and Silent Bob go at it. I
included some records and fake rankings up there for nostalgia. Remember when
we used to do that? Michael’s had an up-and-down battle career. In his first
battle he crushed his opponent, dropped the mic, and walked out of the room
with his arms raised before the decision was even announced. In his follow-up
performance he lost decisively to Kenny Lion, who used half of his jokes to
plug a different show without even addressing Michael. I know that sequels are
rarely as good as the original but Jesus Christ man. Tony Bartolone has been
far more consistent, winning both of his battles with relative ease. You know
what? I’m taking the upset here. I’m thinking Michael will be humbled by his
loss and take the bounceback win here. Just don’t pull that “dropping the mic”
cornball shit again buddy.
The next battle has Heather Turman (Highland, MI) going up
against Dave Neal (Portsmouth, RI)!
I’ve seen both of these folks perform at mics and shows and
stuff, and they’re good comics. I don’t really know either of them that well
off-stage, so they could be garbage humans. Honestly that would probably be
advantageous in the battle arena. Either way, they’ll both be making their RB
debuts and will surely be spitting hot fire. Tough to pick a winner but
according to Heather’s Twitter bio she’s been on FOX News so blatant hatred
should be second nature to her. Let’s go with Heather.
Our third battle will be a doozy as Jason Rennebu (Favorite
Movie – Dodgeball) faces off with Quentin Moscaritolo (Favorite Movie –
Jason Rennebu is the answer to an interesting Roast Battle
Trivia Question – who was the last person Ashley Barnhill beat before Olivia
Grace sent her into battle retirement? Jason put up a good fight in that one
but he’s gonna need to step it up to have a shot here. Quentin’s had two
battles that I can recall and crushed it in both of them. I expect that to
continue here and Quentin to walk away with the W.
The fourth undercard features Keith Sizemore (+165) taking
on Kyle Gridley (-185)!
There’s the money line if any of you fucking degenerates
want to put some dough down. I don’t know Keith Sizemore but when you search
for him Google’s top two suggestions are “Keith Sizemore accounting” and “Keith
Sizemore roofing” which is not a great sign. The above picture was the only one
I could get my hands on without being his Facebook friend. It’s either my
favorite or least favorite thing ever. Not sure which. Kyle Gridley had a
strong showing in his last battle but took a loss. I’d normally be skeptical of
this battle, except for one thing. Both of these dudes are Orange County
comics. For whatever reason, the OC scene produces the fiercest roasters out of
any geographical region and I’d imagine that would apply here as well. Something
about living in paradise with Mickey Mouse makes all these fuckers vicious.
Gonna take Kyle for the win here, but props to Keith for taking a battle during
The final undercard (and de facto main event?) will have
Ramsey Badawi (Ethnically Ambiguous) vs. David Deery (White Dude)!
This one’s gonna be a beast. Both of these guys have proven
themselves in the ring. Ramsey recently pulled out an impressive win over Robin
Tran, and David lit the room on fire in front of Dave Chappelle. Great stuff.
Both have the stage presence and jokes to go with it. This one’s a coin flip,
but I’m gonna give the slight edge to David. I could sit here and analyze their
joke structure, delivery, and strategy, but let’s face it. One dude’s white.
The other one’s not. That’s a big advantage in the battle. Take it from a guy
who’s beaten an Asian, a Persian, a Mexican, and an Indian.
I’m about to be 5-0 in my picks! Yeah I’m the only one
keeping track, wanna fight about it? Thanks for reading the preview. Check out
the new episode of Verbal Violence featuring the Sklar Brothers and smoke some
LA SpeedWeed while you do it. See everyone in the Belly Room tonight. Let’s