by Tony Bartolone

We are now back to our regularly scheduled program, and we’ve got a jam-packed night of fights bursting out of the Belly Room. Tonight promises to be one of the most entertaining nights of battles in recent memory, with some of the game’s wildest characters stepping onstage to slug it out.

As always, we’ve got a top-notch squad of superstar judges to add to the action.

James Davis has appeared on Comedy Central’s @midnight, MTV’s Wild ’N Out and wrote for The Late Late Show on CBS. An impressive resume from the self-proclaimed “professional token black friend.” Then we up the stakes with a heavy hitter in Iliza Shlesinger. Still the only female (and also youngest) winner of Last Comic Standing, Shlesinger currently has two specials streaming on Netflix, and a third one dropping in September. Rounding out the judge’s dais is comedy legend, Wayne Federman. His film and TV appearances are too many to name, but some favorites include Curb Your Enthusiasm, Step Brothers and The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Beyond writing for Jimmy Fallon, Federman has been touring the country doing comedy for over thirty years.

Now on to a tantalizing line up of battles.

Our first undercard sees Pacific Island Guam Felix (5-1, #28) squaring off against future Avon saleswoman Courtney Banks (0-2, Unranked).

This battle came out of a faceoff during the Comedy Central promos, and was christened the “Ugly Lives Matter” battle by the Roastmaster General himself. Guam has an infuriatingly high number of wins, recently suffering his first loss to Asian Assassin Alex Duong. Courtney Banks has something to prove as she has yet to taste victory in verbal combat. Will tonight be her night? Are hot chicks funny? Will Guam bomb? Be there to find out.

Speaking of hot chicks being funny, our next battle pits blonde bombshell Sarah Keller (1-2, Unranked) against Suicide Girl Lindsey Jennings (2-2-1, #49).

This battle looks like Harley Quinn’s before and after photo. Hopefully this battle scores higher than Suicide Squad did on Rotten Tomatoes. Both these sexy stand-ups have proven to be fierce competitors in past battles. In one of the best undercards of recent history, Jennings went toe-to-toe with the stepdad of stand up, David Deery. Keller will be looking to possibly knock Jennings off the rankings right after her recent addition. Expect a blow-for-blow slobber-knocker, as the boys in the crowd slobber over their knockers hoping for a blow.  

The third undercard in this night of stacked undercards features adult orphan Anna Valenzuela (3-1, #25) taking on pro wrestling enthusiast Nat Baimel (0-2, Unranked).

This undercard has main event potential. Nat Baimel has not been able to score a win yet, but a victory over main-eventer Valenzuela would definitely boost his stock. He’s got his work cut out for him if he wants to pull off on upset over this straight up killer. I wouldn’t underestimate Nat though. With two losses on his record, he won’t pulling punches. Anna’s approach is almost always effective. She serves up short, mean jokes. Period. Nat better have some new moves if he expects to escape her cobra clutch.

Our last undercard of the night has Civil War reenactor Dakota Freeman (0-0, Unranked) going toe-to-wheel with the spinally challenged Greg Roque (1-0, Unranked).

Greg dethroned king cripple Joe Eurell in an epic Special Olympics battle for parking space supremacy.  Freeman better bring more than a cute sweater if he wants to take down Greg Roque and roll. I’ll leave some wheelchair jokes for the judges and move on to the main event.

This is a match up any Roast Battle fan is extremely excited to see. Expect some of the best jokes of the year when the terse terminator Toby Muresianu (5-3, #11) takes on the stone cold sober Dan Nolan (7-3, #7).

What can I say about these two that Pat Barker didn’t already say in his main event break down? I will go ahead and give the edge to Nolan. Dan is one of the few battlers who’s joke writing can match Toby’s. We will bear witness to the stern stare of Muresianu across from the goofy grin of a man with nothing to lose. In the end it will be Dan’s junkie charm that edges Toby out to get him the win. It’s going to be close one, and I’m ecstatic to see competition at this level. These joke geniuses are sure to deliver some gems.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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