Jokes aside, it was refreshing to see Guam Felix (5-0, 16) back to his post in front of the Main Room of the Comedy Store. Sure, Earl Skakel crushed Ashton Swinford and him for a few jokes but we’re all glad they’re more or less back to full-strength! Just a few things to touch on before we get to the previews! The ranks are back and all fancy! Be sure to go over Patty “Cake” Barker’s (8-2, 3) ranks recap to get the why to the what. Also…the community is going global! We all love roasting, accents are hilarious and now they’re being combined? Also, someone nicknamed “sushi king” is involved? And the premiere is on my birthday? I don’t know if it’ll be odd but I. Can’t. Even. It’s only a matter of time before Moses returns to the motherland with our top roasters for a worldwide event.
Woo! Dude City on the judge’s panel! Mike Lawrence (2-1-1, H5) is a unanimous Roast Battle Hall of Famer and we’re lucky to have him back. Check out everything you can of his; his album, his podcast and Inside Amy Schumer, a show on which he’s a writer and Snapchatter. Jesse Joyce (1-1, H7) is back! Jesse has a .500 record as a battler and is a mediocre-at-best judge so at least he’s consistent. He writes for @midnight and has written on ten Comedy Central roasts, so you know he has the roasting chops. Here’s a clip of him on Dave Attell’s Comedy Underground if you want to get a sneak peak of what to expect from him tonight. Bert Kreisher is back and is an absolute nut job but the good kind of nut job. Last time he was here, he pointed out the absurdity of Guam’s jokes and helped him get the win. Go to his web site to check out everything Bert including a shirt that depicts his history of fighting bears and a book he wrote.
In the first undercard of the evening, Matt Walker (0-0) has his first battle against the second battle of Manny Ortiz (0-1)!
I’m stoked about this battle. I missed Manny’s first battle as I was preparing to lose to Val Tosi (1-0, 46). He looks like the rejected son of every Latino family I grew up around. I wonder if he’s pointing at his parole officer? Matt Walker is the first of the gingers tonight and is currently terrifying me as I type. He looks like Louis C.K. if Louie let himself be defeated by the divorce. I read Heavy Jay’s recap of Manny’s first fight and it seems he juuuuust missed out on the victory. I expect him to learn, for maybe the first time in his life, from his mistakes and get the win.
In the second undercard, Matt LeGrande (0-0) is battling Jake Sachs (1-0)!
This starts a run of three battles in which the contestants have a small chance of hooking up with each other after the fight. Matt is a funny dude and a pissed off millennial from the looks of this photo that I found. His comedy is dark and in line with what the show expects from a roaster, just like Richie Gaines (1-0) from last week. He joins Zane Pond (2-2) and Kyle Shire as gay comedians who would fucking destroy you if your gay joke wasn’t funny. Sachs actually beat Zane Pond in his debut despite being a rookie and my lack of belief in him. I don’t normally pick first-time battlers but I think Matt puts on a “LeGrande” show and gets his first win.
In our third undercard, Galina Ravina (0-0) will match up with Graham Rodgers (0-0)!
Aww! This is the cutest liddo battle we’ve ever had! I love these two and love that some of my comedy pals are finally getting in the ring. I guess that’s what potential network exposure does to your show. Galina is a funny comedian that could fit in your pocket. She looks like her virginity was taken in The Shire. Graham “Cracker” Rodgers joins Mark Stevens (2-0, 38) on the Friend Zone All-Stars but is more of a starter than a pine-rider like Mark. Graham is a ginger so he’s already lost but maybe he can ride the underdog status to a victory. Unlikely though. I’m going Galina!
The fourth undercard pits Nicole Aimee Schreiber (0-0) against Chris Lev (0-0)!
The “Night of All of My Pals” battling continues with these two! Nicole is one of the funniest ladies I know and comedy’s favorite train wreck. She’s one of a few battlers to have a TV credit but that doesn’t always translate to Roast Battle success. Chris Lev is a legend around the the open mic scene. He took the necessary step of changing it from “Levkulich” to “Lev”. No one likes a foreigner. How much you wanna bet he came out of the womb in plaid? Or that he instantly became the “third wheel” to his parents relationship? Either way, he looks like Bryan Callen if his growth was stunted from accidentally taking his own roofie. The pick is Nicole but it could be a tie. Whether or not that’s a tie because they both suck or both dominate is up in the air.
At long last…we finally have another Door Guy battle! Stuart Thompson (4-3, 18) takes on Frank Castillo (7-5, 13) in the Main Event!
This should be quite the cherry on the cake that is tonight’s battles! And we know Frank loves cake because of this photo and his waist size. Stuart does not eat cake as he intimated to me after he shamed me for eating donuts. These two are some of the best guys around. Stuart was one of my first pals at the Comedy Store and is an excellent comedian, host and roaster. He’s set to open for fellow Roast Battle favorite Theo Von this weekend in the Bay Area and I’m sure he wants to go there on a high note. Frank is essential to the show’s success and has done everything for us except judge although I’m sure he does his fair share of judging in that shorn chrome dome of his. He’s verbalviolence.tv’s first ever “Battle Spotlight”! So check that out if you want more than just a paragraph about the guy. Both of these guys went down in flames in the Roast Battle Royale. Stu boasts the better record but Frank has been a part of some the best battles the show has ever seen. This will be an instant classic but I think Frank edges out Stu and leaves Stu to wonder what might have been in the bay this weekend.
I am 103-69 in picks. Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email email@example.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.
WRITTEN BY JOSH WALDRON