Let’s shout out the Great Photog for a moment. That’s my fun nickname for him but he goes by the name of Troy Conrad. He runs a great show called Set List, that plays in every great comedy venue in LA. And then finds time to take pics of our dog and pony show every week. Sadly, this week broke his streak. He was kind enough to let me use his camera and I did ok but you’ll see the difference. If you know him or see him or whatevs, give him a high five and support his show. While we’re giving love, I managed to get a shot or two of the rest of the squad.
That’s Josh Martin (0-1, 98) setting up the audio, as he does for almost every non-stand up show at the Store. You’re probably like “I met that guy. He’s kind of a dick.” And you’re probably right. But he does a shit-ton for the show and it wouldn’t run as smoothly without him. So give him the same high five you would Troy. That blue light in the background is Coach Tea, doing his own pre-show. I’m so happy someone else finally got knocked the fuck out.
The first undercard had Robbie Kirkhuff (1-0, ?) taking down Ryan Papazian (0-1, ?)!
The most important takeaway from this battle? SLOW DOWN. Take your time. They had good jokes but the moment caught up to them a few times and took away from the punch. Also…maybe keep up with the blog? Partly because I crave the validation but mostly so you can see what jokes have been done. The judges and crowd crave specificity and originality. This is a strategy employed by top battlers. If you want to climb those ranks, read those posts. And maybe toss me $5. Jokes?
ROBBIE ON RYAN
“Ryan’s nose is so big Waze tells everyone to go around it.”
“Ryan, you’re so dumb you look like you should be in the band System of a Down Syndrome.”
This writer loves a good pun but his first joke is what the crowds and judges will be looking for. He messed up his last joke but Ryan messed up more. It was like watching bees stuck in honey except one bee was missing a wing.
RYAN ON ROBBIE
“Your jokes are just as undeveloped as the girls you try to sleep with.”
“Robbie paid $300 to jerk off in front of a stripper. I can’t believe it costs that much to finally get someone to laugh at him.”
The thing is, these guys are friends…and friendly chemistry will keep raise the quality of any battle, despite the mediocrity of the jokes. I want to start a hashtag for when Moses knows the battle was meh. #thisisnteasy
This battle gets ? / ? ? ? on the FE scale!
Our next undercard ended in a draw! Which means no loss for ya boy. Teddy Tutson (0-0, ?) tied Justin Rupple (0-0, ?)!
More face-hating. Make it loud for your wait staff! For real, that’s Jenny and she’s crushing it. These servers have to wade through 250 people, serve drinks and take orders. Imagine trying to explain there’s a two-drink minimum while a herd of retarded buffalo stampede around you. Loved this battle tho. Higher quality jokes than last round and the friend chem made it a fun watch. They both dressed like comedians taping half hours in 1997 and that’s just great.
“You look like you would give me a bad lease on a Porsche.”-Omid Singh (5-3, 8) on Justin, nailing it/covering for his last joke.
JUSTIN ON TEDDY
“Teddy would have worn a suit but he hasn’t gotten it back from the cleaners yet from the last time he was in the defendants chair.”
“Get a good look everyone, this is what it would look like if Aunt Jemima hosted a bringer show at Uncle Tom’s Cabin.”
“Teddy is so unimaginative that when he and his girlfriend role play she plays a plantation owner and he still plays a failing comedian.”
I’m listening to my recording of it and this battle POPPED. A second hashtag could be made by Moses, #thatshowyouroastbattle.
TEDDY ON JUSTIN
“Justin Rupple is Hollywood’s answer to the question ‘How can we make a more ethnically ambiguous, slightly gayer, less talented John Stamos?’"
“President Obama got into trouble recently for not acknowledging the Armenian Genocide. It only happened because he saw a copy of Rupple’s set and decided maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea after all.”
“Justin Rupple is a Seattle native, which explains why he hasn’t written a joke since Kevin Durant was wearing a supersonics jersey.”
FUEGO. The last joke in each section was used in a joke-off. Listening to it again, I think Teddy had a slight edge in crowd reax but a draw is not a loss. Let this be the last mention of the Armenian Genocide. Not that I’m, like, a denier of it but we have to be at double digits for jokes about it.
Gonna give this battle ? ? ? / ? ? ?! #thatshowyouroastbattle
In our return to King of the Barnhill, Ashley Barnhill (6-0, ?) taking down Jason Rennebu (0-1, ?)
This pic is so meta. That’s Jay Light (6-3, 6) Periscoping the battles. More people have been telling me they watch the stream and how awesome it is so shout to Jay and is battle-matography skills. #communityproj. I still don’t know how I feel about this whole thing. I was psyched when I thought it’d be Ashley throwing down great battles week after week but she keeps facing tomato can after tomato can. This one was close! It went to OT! Jason had a weird, nomad energy that actually worked for him. Ash, honestly, seemed off from the tip. She even stumbled on a Charleston reference. We all remember when we first saw Superman fall.
ASHLEY ON JASON
Jason opens for Nick Swardson. Nick is short for Nicholas and Jason is short for a man.
“Look at your fat fucking neck. I thought there already was a Chin Chin on sunset.”
“Jason looks like the kind of guy who’d be a rapist, if he could overpower a woman.”
That last one did it for her. It was her joke-off joke. As far as Jason is concerned, it was almost like there was the Roast Battle and then “The Jason Show” going on in the middle of it.
JASON ON ASHLEY
“Nice voice, by the way. Do you work for a 1-900 sex line, or do comedy producers actually cum helium?”
“Nice unibrow wax job. Were you the inspiration for the new “Taliban Barbie.”
He saved his Taliban Barbie joke for last but it wasn’t enough to save him. Both battlers had some jokes that were similar to jokes used before. It was still a good battle but it was wayyyy closer than it should have been. See you next week at the top of the Barnhill.
? ? / ? ? ? is where this battle arrives on the FE scale. #itwillbeathing
Our 4th (holy shit) undercard had Ryan Budds (2-1, ?) SCRAPING BY Gene Jannece (0-1, ?)!
Another battle that was much closer than I thought it’d be. Props to Moses’ ref acumen because at first I thought Ryan was getting a superstar call by having the battle go to a joke-off. Just noticed every battle except the first battle went an extra round. On a 5 battle night. And the crowd was down for every minute.
RYAN ON GENE
“Gene looks like the before picture for every ailment known to man, and the after picture for any sketch artist trying to catch a pedophile.”
“I don’t know why everyone’s mad about this white woman in Washington pretending to be black. Ever since Gene stepped on this stage he’s been pretending to be a comedian.”
“Gene’s really into collecting things. His biggest collection? Rejections from Asian women.”
All of Ryan’s jokes were really funny and smart. You can hear his whole battle here. Ryan tried to double joke a few times and it took some of zest from his pepper. Gene had good jokes as well but just not the pop you expect from a guy who definitely wanted to show off two shirts.
GENE ON RYAN
“Congratulations on the new baby. How did your wife handle her postpartum depression…on account of her finding out it was yours.”
“Ryan you run a trivia night, Help me out. What do the movies: Friday the 13th – A New Beginning, Rocky 4, and Porky’s 3 and you have in common? They’re all things that should have never been made in the 1985.”
“Ryan Budds was going for a lumbersexual look, but ended up looking like what would happen if Pinocchio molested a redwood.”
Gene bombed his final joke. Ryan did not. GAME. BUDDS.
This shall recieve ? ? / ? ? ? and be grateful.
And in our Main Event! Olivia Grace (3-0, ?) took down Sina Amedson (3-3, ?)!
Ok this is where the pics drop off in quality. But the battles remained on point. Look at the shoes. Look at the love after Olivia won. Sina fought the good fight but Olivia is taking the world by storm the way a young Ashley Barnhill did. Can’t wait for her own gimmick, “Grace Under Fire” and she battles Josh Meyrowitz and Boon.
SINA ON OLIVIA
“You look like you give the best blow jobs. Because you’d have to.”
“Bookers usually ask comics to do a tight 10. But for stage time, Olivia’s asks bookers to do a loose 5.”
“You look like a drug mule after the balloon exploded.”
“Olivia looks like Courtney Love’s reflection in her heroin spoon.”
“Olivia says she’s racist because she was raped by a black guy but she didn’t report it because she says it was 3/5 consensual.”
Iliza and Jesse Joyce were great for commentary. Joyce kinda rambled but anything was better than the collective zero we got from the judges last week. Iliza and Jesse argued like old friends about the final round and that was fun. Kirk Fox filled in wonderfully even though he didn’t hear half of the jokes. Keith Carey (4-1, 9) chipped in as well!
“It’s gonna be a great battle between the ugly, sweaty dude and Sina.”-#boom
OLIVIA ON SINA
“Sina’s eyebrows are so Bush-like you can blame them for ruining the economy.”
“If you rub Sina’s dick you get three wishes and a lifetime of regret, but you’re gonna use all three wishing you’d never touched his dick.”
“I admit I’m overweight. Your hairline looks like it’s getting pretty thin though. Maybe I should ask it for diet tips.”-mega comeback
“Sina told me he had Crohn’s disease, which shouldn’t surprise anyone who’s seen the watered down painful shit come out of him tonight.”
“Sina looks the way Glendale smells.”
FUHHHHH. I think that last one made Iliza pee a little. Sina just couldn’t keep up. I threw his rape joke in there even though it didn’t hit that hard but it led to my favorite exchange of the night. A member of that night’s wave, a black comic named Haiti, proposed to Olivia. Sina asked if it gave her PTSD. #fuh.
Maybe Olivia should just move straight to Kim Congdon (4-0, 4) while Ashley continues to battle with bumpers.
This battle gets and deserves ? ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ? on the FE scale!
JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Sina’s eyebrows are so Bush-like you can blame them for ruining the economy.”
See you next week, folks. #thatshowyouroastreport
I am 35-22 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.