This week’s battle spotlight is on…you! Look at this crowd. Packed to the brim every Tuesday at 11. Less room in here than in Keith Carey’s muumuu. But you all still show up. You don’t even care that The Comedy Store disables the air conditioning right before the battle. I love the judges and the haters and, of course, Moses and the battlers. But none of us have anything, if we don’t have you. So please…keep coming to the show! Keep watching on Periscope. Keep listening to the pod. Keep reading! Keep telling me I’m too mean. When random fans tell me they like the posts because they can’t make the show, my heart gets a boner.

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Let’s not forget the comics that sometimes sit through the whole show, unable to even see the stage. It’s awesome to have an entire comedy scene get together, once a week and be a crowd.

Last week I mentioned the debut of our New York City iteration? It was at the Stand in NYC. You’re probably wondering “How can I find out what happened?”. Well Heavy Jay Light (7-3, 5) has got the recap you’re looking for! Follow their twitter @thestandynyc for updates and their Periscope of the battles. Look at that! The Roast Report has departments now! #growth

Real quick…this writer’s Hella Show is tonight! If you can make it, it’s free and has a stellar lineup. Belly Room. 10pm. See you there!

Now…reviews?

Our first undercard had Parker Searfoss (1-0, 67) taking down Ethan Stanislawski (0-1, 96)!

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Ooh, that mysterious fire returned and took out some of the battles pics. It’s all good, we have tons of Wave pics. Did the Wave get children? Is that where Jamar Neighbors (2-2, 19) has been? This was a fun battle! A bit of a low energy affair to start us off but it had some big moments. Ethan came out of the gate with some heat for Moses.

“You look like Compton Steve Harvey.” – Ethan

But he didn’t have much after that.

ETHAN ON PARKER

“It was always my dream to move to LA and roast a Coachella rape baby.”

“I think the Wave should be afraid of you. You did shoot up that church in South Carolina.”

He stumbled over a Caitlin Jenner reference and that kind of sealed it for him. All it takes is one bomb to lose the battle. I lost when I stumbled over a Aurora, Colorado joke. Maybe don’t try to force topical humor?  Parker had just slightly better jokes and his last one got the room rocking for the first time.

PARKER ON ETHAN

“Ethan wanted to be a theater critic growing up, and dude, I hope you’re the next Roger Ebert. What I mean by that is I hope your jaw rots off.”

Ethan’s ugly even by Jewish standards. He could hit on a Nazi with a tattoo gun and still not get a number.”

Good stuff, guys. Only registers about a ? / ? ? ?.

Our next undercard had Joey Long (1-0, 63)  stamping out Patrick Quinn (0-1, 102) !

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Nice shot of The Haters! Fun fact: these three are a combined 12-3 with each of their only losses coming at the hand of a fellow Hater. Olivia (4-1, 4) lost to Keith (5-1, 8). Keith lost to Omid (5-3, 12). And Earl (3-1, 14) lost to Whitney Rice (1-0, 69) back when she was still with us at the table. This battle had only slightly more pop than the last one. It went to a joke-off and Joey closed with the strongest joke of the whole round.

JOEY ON PAT

“Before the show, Pat tried to peek at my roast jokes. Sorry bro. You already peaked. It was in high school.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, Pat Quinn comedy! For Dane Cook fans who are tired of thinking so much.”

“Pat’s a drunk douche. There hasn’t been a douche this nasty and filled with vodka since Amy Winehouse’s autopsy.”

It’s a good thing he had that Amy joke still in the chamber because it probably won the match for him. Pat had a decent last joke but he tried to tag it and turned it into a dud.

PAT ON JOEY

“Joey looks like the kind of guy you’d let watch your laptop in a coffee shop. If you didn’t think he’d use it to look at child porn.”

“Joey’s comedy reminds me of a 60 year olds’s sex life. He never gets up, but when he does, no girls come.”

Joey’s last name is Long. Which is the exact opposite of cock and comedy career…and how long he’ll be thinking about this loss!

Yikes. This wasn’t a terrible battle but still only receives a ? / ? ? ?.

The surprise third battle found Jeff Amaral (1-1, 74)  overcoming Toby Muresianu (2-3, 48) !

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There we go. That’s a good battle shot. Another fun fact: Toby’s placenta was plaid. This is where the battle train got chuggin’. The crowd sided with Toby the entire time but Jeff still got them going when it was his turn. The jokes were good the chemistry between them was great. 

JEFF ON TOBY

“I just found out Toby drives for Uber. Toby’s a great Uber driver for the same reason he sucks in bed. He comes quickly and just sits there quietly.”

“In all seriousness, Toby’s a great guy. He’s done a lot of work with charities. Toby performs at children’s hospitals with an act so bad even the cripples walk.”

Toby had his usual slow charm working for him but Jeff’s jokes were just meaner, which is what the crowd wants.

TOBY ON JEFF

“Jeff looks like where every hair you found in your food came from.”

“Jeff is trying to make it comedy without a Facebook, although he was already trying to make it without any jokes.”

The crowd was pretty close when voting so Moses asked what Ron White thought about the battle. That’s right. Ron ‘Tater Salad” White showed up to take the battle in from the judges table. Ron is one of the biggest comedians in the world if this blog was written 10 years ago. Seriously this is another reason to come for the whole show. We all watched the Blue Collar Comedy tour at one point. Ron is a legend and looked up to by a lot of comedians today. Despite a vote for Jeff from Ron, Moses called for the joke-off that didn’t go so well. Ron actually summed it pretty good.

“I think, with the last joke, they both drank a cup of their own warm sperm.”

That’s right. Ron White, comedy legend, showed up early and didn’t hold back.

This deserves ? ? / ? ? ?!

Our final undercard had Sina Amedson (3-4, 37)  falling to Tom Goss (2-1, 43)!

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I love this picture, one of the many from The Great Photog. Tom looks like if The Fonz had an overweight, underachieving son in 1998. This was a great battle. There were some good jokes on Tom before the match even started.

“Tom looks like an unemployed Buzz Lightyear tonight.” – Oliva Grace

“To the welfare office and beyond!” – Keith Carey

“Thank God they fished Augustus Gloop out of the chocolate river in time!” – Sina

Oh sweet, a Willy Wonka reference. This really was a fantastic battle and really picked up the energy of the whole night. Most of the jokes hit and you could tell these guys were friends. The final bell rang but the crowd was rocking so hard that Moses called for them to keep going. Tom just had a bit more power to his punches.

TOM ON SINA

“You may recognize Sina from his unattended luggage.”

“Sina’s hairline is the only thing from the Persian Gulf that’s ended in a successful retreat.”

“I tried to kill myself with over 200 pills but we all wish your mom would have killed you with one.”

“Sina looks like he was dipped in the oil drum his ancestors were killed over.”

Every joke Tom told hit. Sina had one less hit than Tom. But it was one of the best undercards we’ve had. It was so loud that Jeff Ross came all the way from the Original Room catch the action.

SINA ON TOM

“You’ve been institutionalized countless times for your suicide attempts. I’d much rather be a suicide bomber than bomb at suicide.”

“Tom used to be skinny but he just keeps getting fatter.  He has Benjamin Butter Syndrome.”

“Tom wanted to play lacrosse for Duke but he wasn’t ready to rape at the college level.”

Could be a nominee for Undercard of the Year. Should have been a Main Event. Deserves ? ? ? / ? ? ?!

And in the main event, Pat Barker (5-1, 7) outlasted mighty Frank Castillo (7-4, 12)!

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This pic is what Roast Battle is all about. Just a bunch of friends, having a good time on stage. laughing at each other’s race. This was such a great battle. Kurt Braunohler made the brilliant observation the the Phillies logo is a limp dick. Keith Carey popped in with with an assessment of the battlers.

‘Pat, I cant believe how much you’re sweating already. This is like a wet back versus a wet front.”

Wow and they say I’m mean. This could be nominated for Battle of the Year. The first round was amazing, with every joke landing. This was a style clash for sure. Pat and Frank might be similar in stage presence but joke structure set them apart. Frank had one-liners that crushed. Pat opted for a little more setup. In the end, Frank got owned by a microphone malfunction and stumbled on a few jokes. Pat is just a runaway roasting freight train, both in unstoppability and total mass.

PAT ON FRANK

“Frank has a home field advantage here at The Comedy Store. It’s a lot like his house growing up. 800 people crammed into three rooms.”

“Frank’s been going through a lot of rejection in his comedy career, but you know what they say. When God closes a door you have to open it back up and check IDs there.”

“Frank has another job but really loves it here at The Comedy Store. It’s like his home away from Home Depot.”

“Tonight’s a win/win for me because even If I lose the battle, President Trump will overturn the decision next year.”

“Frank lost his last battle to Kim Congdon. You’re the anti-Floyd Mayweather. Fat, broke and incapable of beating a woman.”

“Frank your hair has gone missing. It’s like you have a Malaysian hairline.”

I had to post six jokes. Listening back they all popped so hard. And again, Frank was super funny and great on stage. Pat just had a bit more.

FRANK ON PAT

“I really hope Pat’s comedy career blows up before his heart does.”

“Pat wanted to shoot himself but he couldn’t afford an elephant gun.”

“I would never make fun of Pat’s wife. I would never shame the victim.”

“Pat tried to join ISIS but they refused to buy him two plan tickets.”

“Pat looks like the guy who sold Jared Fogle his porn collection.”

“Pat treats his wife like a princess because she always needs to be rescued.”

Seriously these two are two of the hardest hitters we have. If you ever want to know how to roast, they would be the first to ask.

Excellent job guys! Well-deserving of the ? ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?!

WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT

“Frank your hair has gone missing. It’s like you have a Malaysian hairline.”

JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT

“Tonight’s a win/win for me because even If I lose the battle, President Trump will overturn the decision next year.”

I am 46-31 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us@roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.

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