Dog days of the report here. We’re all missing the Roastmaster. We’re all giddy with anticipation for the Roastmaster’s Invitational. And writing is tough when there’s so just much napping and pot smoking to be done. But let’s take a closer look at some more friends of the show.
Omid Singh (3-2, 8) is crucial to our success. Not only a decorated battler, but has had some of the best outside-the-ring moments in the show’s history. His walkout of Phenom Brown had the Belly Room rocking louder than ever before. He’s also a great comedian and stud on the basketball court. Who knows if his dad, “Money in the” Banka will make another appearance, melting everyone’s heart. Earl Skakel (1-1, 81), another great dude and funny comedian, has always been nice to me despite the very racist character he plays for the show. It is a character right? Whatevs. Not nearly as decorated a battler, Earl does fine enough for himself. Why, just this year he became a paid regular at the Comedy Store, a move many thought was long overdue. In another impressive feat, he both can afford to wear leather pants and does so in the 150 degree hot-box that is The Belly Room on a late Tuesday. These two make up the House Haters. They sit off to the side to slide in zings whenever they can. There’s a somewhat open invite to be a part of the Haters’ table. You have to have won a battle. And you’d better be funny and quick-witted because 150 people will judge the fuck out of you if you bomb. And you may get owned by a Coach Tea drop or walked out the room altogether.
That’ll do for the intro. Shall we preview? Bruh?
Look at this #tbt we got right here! Iliza Shlesinger is one of our favorite judges to have around and one of my favorite comedians to watch. This picture is from around a time she hosted a dating show called “Excused” for Fox affiliates. She would pick dudes and eliminate the ones she deemed unfit and pretty much talk shit to their face. What a stretch it must have been! I was gonna zing the show for only lasting two seasons but it had 230 episodes? Fuhhh. Get them checks, gurl. Maybe her sister will be here again? You’ll know she is if Moses has a new black shirt or a fresh cut. After you see her tonight, check her/Dane Cook/Neal Brennan Wednesday at the Super Secret Comedy show, hosted by the writer himself!
V excited for Jesse Joyce (1-1, H5) to be taking his place on The Balcony. He crushed his battles and is a very funny comedian. I look forward to some pretty great judge commentary, followed by him selling people opiates in the parking lot, followed by him paying some form of alimony/child support.
Let’s welcome Murray Valeriano to the show! He is a first-time judge and that can be a coin flip but he should be fine. He doesn’t have a web site or a Wikipedia like our other judges but he should be fine. Google auto-fill thought for sure I was googling “murray valley encephalitis” but HE SHOULD BE FINE.
In our first (or not) undercard, we have Ryan Papazian (0-0, UR) taking on Robbie Kirkhuff (0-0, UR)!
Roast Battle newbs! I have no idea who to pick. Robbie I’m not too familiar with Robbie but Ryan I’ve performed with a few times. He was good from what I remember. He never tweets and has an seemingly abandoned podcast, so things seem to being going great. He kinda looks like he just got dumped at Warped Tour. When I have never heard of a person, I check their Twitter or Wikipedia. Robbie’s only Wikipedia entry is probably about wearing sunblock so let’s go to Twitter!
“Apparently participating in a Roast Battle also comes with a healthy dose of crippling anxiety.”-@lordrobbiek, 19 hours ago as of this writing.
Love the confidence. Which is why he gets my pick.
In our surprise undercard of the night, Ryan Budds (1-1, 29) taking on roast rookie, Gene Jannece (0-0, UR)!
This one took us by surprise over here at the report but should be a gem either way! Budds was last seen knocking me the fuck out (thanks Coach Tea). Gene was last seen having to bail from a battle with Ryan months ago. Happy Father’s Day to Ryan and Gene! Ryan has a beautiful daughter named Annabelle and it looks like Gene has a son named Michelangelo. Have to pick Ryan here.
In a battle VERY close to the writer’s heart, Teddy Tutson (0-0, UR) will go against Justin Rupple (0-0, UR)!
Oh man. These two were around when ya boy was just a pup out here in the dog park of the LA comedy scene. My first memory of Teddy is him shamefully engulfing some chicken wings in a green room, no napkin. My first memory of Justin is meeting his wonderful girlfriend, now wife, Katy and wondering if everyone who looked like John Stamos had to date a hot blonde. If Adam Ray had a Tony Rock, Justin would be that Tony Rock. Maybe. Seriously, these two are like brothers to me and by that I mean one is black and one kinda looks like me but is way, way older. Like “he was on Ricki Lake” older. Like “I couldn’t find a link to that appearance on the internet” older. Gonna go with Teddy here.
In our return to
Queen King of the Barnhill, Ashley (5-0, 3) will be testing Jason Rennebu (0-0, UR)!
Hopefully, Ash gets a challenge here. Keith Reza (1-1, 43) made things interesting. Phenom Brown (0-1, 111) was put out to pasture. She’s kinda stolen the “Ronda Rousey of The Comedy Store” title from Kim Congdon (4-0, 4) but lately Ronda has been beating the shit out of amateurs who thought they’d try UFC for a weekend. Jason is a funny, nice enough dude but Ashley has displayed no reason to think she’d falter here. Thanks for the weekly pick victory, Ashley.
And in our Main Event, the long awaited return of Olivia Grace (31, 2-0) versus the always better than expected Sina Amedson (3-2, 17)!
Alright, we have some rank discrepancy. The Committee took a look at updated records for both these battlers and placed Olivia at 31 and Sina at 17. Big time battle!!! Olivia is maybe on a Ronda path herself, 2-0, and winning battles against great joke writers. Sina took down Eric Oligny (1-1, 75), with relative ease in his last go. I’ll pick Olivia here. Not just because of lady dominance over men in the ring, but, like myself, Sina is very zingable. And Olivia will capitalize.
I am 31-22 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.