The day Kanye said slavery is a choice is the day we celebrate freedom of fucking speech. The crowd is hyped as hell for a night of verbal violence. Jay Light, Bri Pruett, Tony Hinchcliffe and The Roastmaster General Jeff Ross are all present and ready to drop the hammer of judgment on tonight’s competitors. We are soon graced with the presence of The Saudi Prince, and the show can officially begin.
Ashley Baca and Lou Vahram are brought up for the first fight of the night.
“Well ya know, this is just reminding me of why we cover our women.” – Saudi Prince
Lou volunteers Ashley to start and she’s happy to oblige:
“Lou has never touched a gun or been in a fight. This is the first time I’ve been onstage with a bigger pussy than mine.”
Ashley starts with a joke that is as much a jab at herself, or perhaps more accurately a joke about how much she gets jabbed. An odd battle strategy, but self-deprecation might aid in endearing herself to the crowd.
“Ashley’s last name means cow in Spanish, which makes sense because she also eats like she has four stomachs.”
Lou has the exact opposite strategy. Just a really mean joke comparing her internal organs to those of a cow. At first, I thought this joke was really stupid because Lou basically just called her cow. However, saying cow upfront serves the joke as a misdirect as to specifically how he calls her a cow. And it really gets the crowd going.
“Lou went to the same college as Bill Cosby. That’s not the only thing they have in common, they also put women to sleep. Lou just does it by talking.”
“Ashley believes in astrology, but you don’t need to look to the stars to know that you’ll never be one.”
“Lou has been in a serious relationship for three years. You find this surprising? So did I, but then I found out she’s Chinese. She’s used to little dicks.”
“Ashley’s divorced. You look like you negotiated to put slices of wedding cake in the pre-nup.”
Lou’s last joke absolutely dominates, getting the biggest pop of a pretty good battle. Ashley Baca has the delivery of a kid’s show host, but because she’s doing roast jokes it’d be the most fucked up kid’s show ever. “What do women like, kids? That’s right, a big dick. And what does Lou have? A very small dick.”
“Ya know, as much as I liked Selena Gomez’ reflection in a door knob…” – The Saudi Prince
“This my first time seeing – it’s Ashley Baca? Clearly the sister of the great Chewbacca. She had a couple problems with her delivery, which is weird because she looks like she fucking loves delivery.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
After hearing from the judges it seemed as though Lou would win, but the audience gave it to Ashley. Another tough break for Lou Vahram, but at least he has a place to stick his tiny little dick at the end of the night. Congratulations to Ashley Baca on the big win and the even bigger pussy.
Our next battle features Gary Curtis and Kal Hamilton committing some black-on-black crime. This battle looks like it started when Gary stole Kal’s girlfriend. I’m only joking, Kal obviously doesn’t have a girlfriend. Gary kicks off the war of words:
“Kal looks like he’ll cry if you ask him to read out loud.”
To add insult to insult Gary picks up a table-top SpeedWeed ad and holds it to Kal’s face. Shout to the popular sponsor of Roast Battle, LA SpeedWeed. Go to them for all your weed needs.
“Gary is one eyebrow arch away from being labeled as a bad bitch.”
The Roastmaster General leads the crowd in a mid-match chant of “Battle! Battle! Battle!” This is the most fired up I’ve seen the Belly Room in quite some time.
“That was a weird way to tell me you wanna fuck me, but uh… Kal’s built like he’s always sneaking snacks into a movie he’s about to talk over.”
It’s a double whammy! A fat joke punctuated by a black joke. And Kal has for sure snuck snacks into and yelled out during a movie.
“Gary is the female version of Kanye. They think they’re pretty, they think their career is the shit, but really it’s in the sunken place.”
“You should’ve abandoned that one with your son in Ohio.”
“Thank you, dollar store Drake.”
“Kal looks like the dude most likely to rape you for not buying his mixtape.”
“Gary’s a member of a fraternity. His soul purpose in joining was to get spanked by other grown-ass men.”
A long, awkward silence ends what is otherwise a fun battle. Gary crushes it. His first joke gets a huge laugh, and all his rebuttals are on point. Despite bombing most of the battle, Kal remains likable. The battle is high-octane entertainment, and Gary Curtis is given the well-deserved win.
Moving onto the main events. April Lotshaw steps onstage first, followed by Quentin Thomas, who looks like a Monstar who’ll never be a star. April takes the first shot:
“Quentin, for such a tall drink of water, you’d think you could get down pills.”
“April looks like what Joan Rivers saw in the mirror to make her get all those plastic surgeries.”
“Anyone who says white men can’t dunk hasn’t seen Quentin with a plate of Oreos.”
“April’s the only person whose #MeToo was responded with “Yeah Right.”
Jeremiah Watkins and Willie Hunter take center stage wearing cowboy hats and facing back to back, scored by the classic Ennio Morricone theme to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly with a Coach Tea twist. They walk a few paces before turning around to simultaneously pump each other full of figurative lead and fall lifeless to the ground.
“At six foot seven, Quentin can touch the bottom of the deep end even in his parents’ retirement fund.”
“It is true, my parents pay for my dreams. They’d pay for yours too, but they know a bad investment when they see one. April thinks she’s fat. It’s funny that’s what you choose to be self-conscious about.”
“Most comics hump the stool, but it won’t text Quentin back.”
“April’s very flat chested. In fact, Louis CK jerked off in front of her but only because he thought she was the door he was supposed to block.”
“Quentin, I don’t know if the suicide attempts are because you like the attention, or you just know it’s a crowd pleaser.”
“April has very bad acne. In fact, the Saudi Prince bought her face ’cause it’s the bigge- biggest oil deposit in all of America. I really stumbled over that one. Sorry.”
“First of all, I want to tell you what I tell all my recruits: Don’t drag me into your bombing.” – The Saudi Prince
And that’s all she wrote.This battle looks like the polar opposite of the battle before it, and gets the opposite crowd reaction as well.
“This seems like the kid that still gets picked last for every basketball game, and his mom who poisons his Capri Sun little by little.” – Jay Light
It’s a lackluster matchup overall, but it’s Clearasil that Quentin has the edge. He was really more proactive in his attack, and April had somewhat of a pore showing. Quentin Thomas has a better performance so he win zit.
Next up, Caesar Lizardo comes out dancing proceeded by Joe Eurell being placed onstage. It was a disgusting display, Caesar showing Joe all the ways a body should be able to move.
“Joe, I think, has the confidence edge. I love the “Elvis Presley dying on the toilet” cosplay you’re wearing.” – Jay Light
“Joe is a very tough opponent, not easy to make fun of, except if you have all day.” – Jeff Ross
Because Joe is unable to raise his hand, Caesar goes first:
“Jor- uh, Jor? Joe was born on Valentine’s Day, which is ironic ’cause his parents didn’t have the heart to keep him.”
Caesar Lizardo stumbles right out of the gate, giving Joe an advantage for the first time in his life. Lizardo does recover though, which is more than I can say for Joe.
“Thank you, Sammy So-So.”
“You’re welcome, Woody Chair-elson.”
“Thank you, Ricky Retardo. Umm actually, Caesar, Caesar performs with his, while holding his infant daughter onstage just so he’s not the only one taking a shit.”
“Ya know, this is Joe’s 20th battle. You’d think he’d have taken his training wheels off by now.”
“My legs are steadier than your paychecks. Actually um, speaking of that um, Cesar’s so broke, his version of Dirty Dancing is teaching salsa classes for laundry money.”
“Thank you GI Joe- I mean G.I.M.P. Joe. Joe doesn’t like fingering chicks, he always goes straight to fisting.”
Jeremiah jumps up and fists a contorted pool noodle, which oddly enough looks a lot like Joe.
“Thank you, Roberto Chlamydia.”
“You’re welcome, TIMMAH!”
“Ceasar only mocks my wheelchair like he wouldn’t pretend to be in one for a spot on the DeGrassi reboot.”
“Joe’s a very very lucky guy. You guys might not believe this, but he gets laid every night… to bed, by his caretaker.”
“Speaking of umm, uh, caretakers, Cesar wanted to prove to everybody how black he is, so he had an unplanned pregnancy with a fat white woman.”
“That’s not true, my girlfriend is very beautiful. She’s not fat. Fuck you Joe. She just had a baby, how dare you!?”
“Walk it off.”
Chants of “Walk it off! Walk it off!” thunder through the room.
“Joe’s first words as a baby were “Raaaawwwr!”
“Ya know, that joke didn’t do really well, but let me remind you of a good joke Caesar did. He once did a roast joke with 13 punchlines, which- I was shocked, because I didn’t think he could count to 10.”
The battle comes to a soft ending. Jeff Ross congratulates Caesar on his newborn baby girl.
“Is she the anchor?” – The Saudi Prince
“At one point you guys set the room on fire, which is, uh, always, uh, tough news when Joe’s in the room.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
A thrilling battle tops off an exciting night, and Joe Eurell rolls away with the win. See you next Tuesday!
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.