The judges have taken their seats in the VIP section, we have Mo Mandel, Jacob Sirof and the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross. After Jeff leads the crowd in a dance party, we are ready for our first sacrifice.
First on the chopping block is Alice Rose versus Antonio Montello. Moses brings Alice up first and she says she’s battling Antonio because “his dad says he’s easy to beat,” which gets a little pop from the audience. Antonio joins Alice on stage, and after some ribbing from the judges, begins.
“Antonio I haven’t seen such dead-eyed Florida trash since the Pulse nightclub shooting.”
“Good one Bitchard Pryor. I heard getting head from Alice Rose is like getting head from a Chia Pet. It’s cheap, easy to get and nothing grows.”
“Thanks, Ricki Retardo. How many more inspirational Instagram posts until you move out of your mom’s apartment.”
“Alice Rose has adopted my rich white parent’s voice.”
“Antonio’s marriage is kind of like his comedy career, they’re both going to be over in a year and a half.”
“That was cute but not true. Alice Rose is half black and half white, and you can probably tell because she got her dad’s hair and her mom’s flat ass.”
It was a decent battle, Jacob Sirof summed up this battle perfectly:
“They were both mediocre.”
For first time battlers, it’s the best battle we’ve seen in a while in a virgin suicide, both had three prepared jokes, that all got some sort of audience response (besides a groan or a boo). Both battlers had a nervous energy that manifested in distracted swaying on stage, but I’m sure if they continue to come back that will subside. Alice had the more consistently hitting jokes, and the audience sides gives her her first Roast Battle W.
Next up we have David Centofanti versus virgin Kiernan Benkoil. Kiernan has an awkward start, bumbling through the reason why he battled, and David volunteers to go first.
“You look like you suffer from the STD known as Andy Dick.”
“You sneaky spaghetti-bellied motherfucker. David Centofanti, you’re so Italian, I bet when you orgasm, you scream ‘MAMA MIA ISSA ME A MARIO.’”
“Your mom told you that, ya? Jay Light Light. He comes from the same town as Machine Gun Kelly, and I come from the same town as Eminem, so this will be the second time a guy from Michigan makes a guy from Ohio look like a little bitch.”
“Nice joke, white trash Wario. David Centofanti is what you get if you impregnate Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ vajayjay with Papa John’s garlic sauce.”
“I’ll tell you this, I’m eating better than your father in jail. His dad’s is in prison for a while, who do you think is having more anal, you or him?”
“Nice joke, did you think of that while you were measuring your dick with Bagel Bites? David sprinkles parmesan on ass before he eats it.”
David’s first joke gets a slight pop but feels like it needs more to the punchline. Kiernan gets a good reaction off the silliness of the phrase “spaghetti-bellied motherfucker,” and continues the momentum with the silliness of the Mario joke, to which he fully committed. David’s second joke gets a small pop, but mostly based off the current reference and not because it’s a good joke. Kiernan continues the Mario-themed jokes, getting another solid reaction from the audience, they even forgave him for using the word “va-jay-jay” like a teenage boy who’s definitely never seen a pussy before. The Sarah Sanders joke hits the hardest of the round, and despite Kiernan’s use of the played-out “food on private parts in order to get the guy to eat them” joke, Kiernan takes the win in his first roast battle. David got some good reactions from the audience, but his jokes were too plain and lacked creativity and a hard punchline, but he’s on the right track.
Next up we have Cat Wright versus Tatenda Mbudzi. Moses brings Kat on stage first and asks who called who out, to which she responds:
“You can too for just a dollar a day!”
Cat gets an early pop from the audience. Tatenda joins the stage to “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” and the audience eats it up. He says his first words on stage in the thickest African accent ever.
“That isn’t your real voice, is it?” – Moses
“I feel like you’re doing Eddie Murphy doing an impression.” – Mo Mandel
“This looks like a bad Tatenda date.” – Jeff Ross
Cat volunteers to go first and we’re off.
“Tatenda looks like Jay-Z had an African side baby with Mombutu with the bad hair.”
“I’m used to roasting phony white bitches. This Cat, she went to Uganda to film a documentary about the last white rhino. I am here to film a documentary about the last albino Velociraptor.”
“Tatenda spent one year living out of a car, two years living out of a garage, and all of those years living very far outside of any woman’s vagina…a true African drought.”
“When you came to Uganda, homosexuality was punishable by the death penalty, but upon seeing you the president softened his stance and gave them a life sentence. Cat’s dad voted for Trump, I don’t blame him. I too would want a Space Force if my daughter looked like a cockroach wearing a Sigourney Weaver costume”
“You look like an overly baked potato yourself. When Tatenda hits on women he just busts up in their DMs like “Ahhhhhhhh I’mmmmmmmm Tatennnnnndddaaaaaaaaaaaa”
“That’s pretty good for someone who looks like a woman transitioning into a muppet. Cat loves children, she works in a hospital with babies looking after them, little does she know her love for children comes from the neglect of her own mother. Her mother in fact offered to pay all of her expenses, bills, and rent so she could pursue comedy, but she said no. Do you not see how your mother is controlling you? Maybe you should stay in that maternity ward, because if a baby dies on your watch it will be the only time you kill in front of a live audience.”
This was hands down the best match so far, both battlers came with strong jokes and strong performances. Cat had strong roast battle style jokes, her Lion King joke got the loudest reaction of the round, but Tatenda’s theatricality paired with his low-energy, dry delivery won the audience and the judges. His Sigourney Weaver joke brought the room to their feet, and he had consistently hitting jokes throughout the round, whereas Cat had one miss with the African drought joke. Continuing the streak of first-time battlers winning, Tatenda takes the W.
In our last undercard, we have fan favorite Robin Tran versus first-timer Selene Whittington in the first-ever all transgender battle. The crowd is foaming at the mouths for these two ladies, coming off the high of the last battle and with anticipation of the return of Robin Tran to the belly room. Selene is brought on stage first, wielding a lollipop and a swagger with which you have to be born. Robin joins Selene on stage, with a confidence we haven’t seen from her before, but that suits her well.
“This is a real chicks with dicks measuring contest…this is more of a gimmick battle…She likes me, I know of her.“ – Robin Tran
“ROBIN!” – Moses
Robin volunteers to go first.
“Selene is mixed race and transgender, which means there are two reasons to look at her and go, ‘what is that?’”
“Tell me, do you ever get mad at your stomach for cock-blocking you during sex? Robin has a beautiful girlfriend, she’s a lesbian just like me. Cate couldn’t be here tonight. It makes sense Robin would date a fellow comic cause to take a dick that small you’d need a professional level sense of humor. The only time Cate ever comes first, it was on stage as Robin’s opening act.”
“It’s only three jokes right, is that all three? When I saw that her Instagram is ‘BeautifulSelene,’ it was the first time a transgender comedian actually made me laugh.”
“In the trans community, the ability to pass is sought after for various reasons, with that being said.. Robin’s been clocked more times than Ronda Rousey, Usain Bolt, & that Slab of beef from Rocky 1.
“I think you just needed more things on that list and I think it would have…You might recognize Selene from the time she was on Maury being told she’s not the father.”
“I can say your special definitely did one thing for certain, it gave hundreds maybe even thousands of people the courage to transition… from Hulu to Netflix.”
As we expected, that was the most fun battle of the night. Both battlers came at each other strong, and had a great time. Selene had some pretty good jokes. Her last one was an absolute haymaker and one of the best jokes I’ve heard in a while. She put on an excellent show and hopefully we will be seeing a lot more of her in the future. However, Robin was on another level tonight.
“She was savage as fuck, but you could definitely tell there was love there,” – Jacob Sirof
That could be the tagline for Roast Battle. Robin had a confidence and a swagger we haven’t seen from her before. When you pair that with her sniper-level joke writing, she’ll continue to be an unstoppable force. Robin sweeps the judge and audience vote, but both ladies leave the stage successful.
It’s time for our main event and you can smell the anticipation in the audience for “Unruly” Heather Marulli to take on Zach Stein.
“These are my two favorite battlers who are always smiling for no reason.” – Jeff Ross
Moses asks the two why they’re battling each other.
“I had to take him up on his offer to do my favorite past-time, which is hurting the feelings of little boys.”
“I was hoping to collect it’s ivory and sell it on the black market,”
“I know someone from Zimbabwe.” – Moses
Moses calls back to Tatenda, showing why he’s the baddest MC in the game and getting the audience even more riled up than they already were. Zach volunteers to go first.
“We’re both in our longest fasting periods of the year right now. Myself, for religious reasons, and Heather because it’s unprofessional to eat on stage.”
“Zach was born via surrogate and he fucks prostitutes, which means that no woman wants him inside of her unless she gets paid.”
“Speaking of unfuckable, Heather is so unfuckable that she tried to fuck me and I didn’t do it.”
“That’s actually true, I almost did because I had to make rent. Zach is Jewish and has a huge dick. If you ask me, this is the biggest waste of flesh since the ovens.”
“We get it, I have a big dick, we all get it right? It’s very important that we get it. It’s like surprisingly big. This thing could be Heather’s dick.”
“If I had a dick mine would be much bigger than yours. You look like you starred in A Christmas Story porn parody called ‘You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out with Cum!’”
“Heather is a very important feminist. Her role is to make sure free the nipple isn’t fun.”
“Zach is from a family is so Jewish and rich that they built the pyramid scheme.”
“I want to do something to make this battle fair, get rid of any potential judge’s bias.
Here, Zach pulls down his shirt, spits onto his own nipple, then rubs the spit all over it.
“There, now I’m as gross as Heather.”
“I think it’s great that Zach was made using the same technology that’ll be used to catch him for rape.”
Now THAT was a battle. Both battlers came with great jokes, fun energy and desire to emotionally cripple the other. Heather had her typical dominating energy, and well-written jokes. She had some more predictable jokes, but they were still consistent. Jeff comments that it was the best battle from either of them, and I would agree. Zach was on another level tonight, every single one of his jokes was an absolute crusher, he took the audience on a really fun journey, as every joke was different. So many times, battlers fall into a groove where every joke has a similar cadence and structure, each one of Zach’s jokes was different from the previous. He mixed it up with short and sweet jokes, straight up facts that he made into a joke with the “unfuckable” joke and closed with that killer act-out that had the audience cringing at first, personally, I threw up in my mouth a little bit, and then absolutely destroyed when he revealed the punchline. Both battlers put on a great show, but this was Zach’s night, and the judges unanimously agree. Zach is on the warpath, and if he continues to perform like this battle, he’ll be tough to stop.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.