Holy shit, what a pic from Troy Conrad. How many of us have ever been this confident? I like to think Boon is like a goldfish and forgets that he’s lip-synced “Proud Mary” for seventy weeks in a row. Every performance is fresh for him. In my head, she’s wearing that outfit somewhere in the suddenly cold streets of Los Angeles and rehearsing for the big night. Enough about Boon though, we got five battles to preview! So sit back and relax, order an eighth and enjoy this picture before reading about tonight’s action. It’s gonna be a good day.
Happy Birthday Jeremiah Watkins! Happy Tuesday Jamar.
Letz dew it.
Loving the diversity in this judge lineup. Matt Braunger is one of the funniest comedians around. He co-founded the prestigious Bridgetown Comedy Festival, so look for comedians to laugh a little harder at his jokes in order to gain some potential brownie points. Not me though, that’s lame af. Anyway, check out his hilarious special “Big Dumb Animal” and follow him on Twitter, where he’s great! Steve Byrne is back and we’re excited. When he’s not getting a show canceled, he’s a hard-working SOB. He has three hour-long specials and his last one, “Champion”, is on Netflix. He’s taping a fourth in Chicago in February! Fuck man, leave some material for the rest of us. Al Madrigal is great comedian and a fellow Bay Area stud. Since we’re plugging specials, here’s his. All three are quick-witted and comfortable with the show so look for them to keep the comedy rolling throughout all six battles.
In the first undercard, Ellice Lin (0-0, UR) takes on Alfred Konuwa (0-0, UR!
Double newb battle! I love these because it inches us closer to two hundred total battlers and arbitrary milestones are fun. Alright, so wtf is going on here. Ellice is another person who eschews social media, something that shouldn’t hinder her comedy career at all. My vocab is killing it on this preview. Alfred rolls in with all the swag you should roll in with when you nail a nostalgic Halloween costume. I’ll pick the winner with a quick theme song cover.
He’s our hero,
Gonna take his wins to one from zero!
In the second undercard of the evening, Eric Carter (0-1, 149) makes his return against Mike Schmidt (1-0, 113)!
Stoked for this undercard. Eric Carter has gradually gotten better since his first battle, despite not having a win. Mike Schmidt has a decent win under his belt but decency doesn’t get you ranked in the top fifty. These two are good dudes and funny comics. They look like brothers and if they were Eric is Goofus and Mike is Gallant. Mike does some good crowd work. Eric says some ignorant things about ethnicities. If you don’t understand this reference, you were never in the waiting room for a doctor or dentist and that’s gross. The pick is Mike.
In the next undercard, Kyle Gridley (0-0, UR) debuts against Quentin Moscaritolo (1-0, 73)!
Another hot match. Kyle Gridley is a mystery. His Facebook has one picture (pictured) and three of the most random likes you can like. Why is this still happening? Comedians with bare bones social media? If you can’t field a presentable Facebook account in 2015, you’re either retarded or a murderer. Kyle could be both. Quentin Moscaritolo comes back to us with an unblemished record and the hardest last name to spell/pronounce this side of Muresianu (3-2, 24). I don’t think I have a zing for him. He was great in his last battle. His first and last name do not match his look. You’d think he’d be a black Native American with that name but instead he’s just a generic white dude, which means he’s dangerous. He gets the W.
Our final undercard match features Jono Zalay (1-0, ?) against Zach Sherwin (0-0, UR)!
This last-minute addition to the fight card features two excellent joke writers, which is good, since they’ll need all the creativity they can to overcome their boring straight white male looks. Jono has taken the battle stage in New York, where he cleverly came out ahead of Irish sensation Sean Donnelly. Meanwhile, Zach, shown here as his alter ego MC Mr. Napkins, hopes that his quick wit and rap hustle will be his Cadillac Keys to Vict. The pick, based on experience alone, is Jono.
We resume tournament action with Keith Carey (1-0, RBR) taking on Leah Kayajanian (1-0, RBR)!
We got a real banger on our hands here. These are two of my favorite roasters and comedians. Keith comes in as
a heavy huge the favorite. He’s a top ten roaster and a fixture at the Hater’s table. There’s been a few undercards that could have been busts and Keith tipped the scales towards a fun time. Leah comes in as the last girl standing and deservedly so. Her roast jokes would make the most vicious, leather-jacket clad bully stutter and does while staying cool in the pocket and avoiding the rush and by rush, I mean All-Negro Wave. My tourney bracket is busted but I’ll still go with the other picks I made from it. Leah is great and we all know ladies dominate the dudes in the gender battles but I think Keith adds a win to the hardest working belt in comedy.
Finally, in our Main Event, Alex Duong (2-3, 58) clashes with Brendan Cooney (2-1, 45)!
Alex Duong comes back to us after losing one of the battles of the year to Tom Goss (3-2, 33) a few weeks ago. I was really impressed by his writing and roaster’s presence in that battle. I’m not leading into a zing, he was great. On the other hand, Brendan’s last appearance was a victory over John Mitchell (2-1, 57) but it was more John beating himself with terrible jokes than a Brendan win. I don’t know what’s worse; Alex looking like Bruce Least or Brendan looking like the guy you forgot you invited to your wedding and now he’s drunk af. I think Brendan redeems himself here.
I am 74-46 in picks and my new tourney bracket is intact! Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.