The All-Negro Wave was at their waviest tonight. Bobby Lee joined in early for this gem of a photo. If you can get them going, you’ll know you’ve done your job. The Frank Castillo, the person carrying Bobby on the left, is a great comedian and roaster. He had the misfortune of being the first victim in Leah’s path to the semis. Jeremiah Watkins is fresh off of Jimmy Kimmel Live! fame. And Haiti, is a third world country. Jamar Neighbors isn’t there every single week anymore but when he does show up, it gets a little steamy.

Maybe Joe Dosch can blame this sequence of events for what happened in his battle. But we’ll get to that later.

As in right now. Reviews!

In the first battle, Mark Stevens shocked the world and upset Madison Sinclar!

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No photo for this battle but check this one out! Ivan Reitman, producer of Space Jam and other things is enjoying the show! His son Jason has been a longtime fan of the show and finally brought the old man around. He stopped by the pod recently and it’s a fun listen! This battle was a great start to the night. Madison’s writing wasn’t as strong as Mark’s but their friend chemistry made it a good show.

MADISON ON MARK

“Mark calls himself “Mark the Shark” but it’s fitting because every time he approaches a woman, she punches him in the nose out of self-defense.”

“On Instagram, Mark is called “The Sexy Shark”. Is it because you’re aquatic looking? Or because you’re a sexual predator?”

The crowd wanted to like Madison and her last joke got the room moving. Mark started too hot and finished. He had really mean, really funny jokes and all of them hit.

MARK ON MADISON

“You’ve spent more money this past month on morning after pills than people spent money on Powerball tickets.”

“The only guys that will go out with Madison are guys from England because the smell of fish and chips reminds them of home.”

This is why the show is so unpredictable. Pretty girl versus douche looking dude. Girl almost always wins. But Mark won one for white dudes and it’s about time they got a little credit.

??/???!

Sarah Afkami lit the entire room on fire against Jil Chrissie in the second undercard!

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This was absolutely one of my favorite battles in a long time. It’s so awesome when battlers are friends because when they have fun up there the crowd does too. Sarah could have earned herself a Roastie nomination for Debut of the Year. Every joke was funny and she delivered them perfectly. She even had a little dance after every joke.

SARAH ON JIL

“Jil’s pussy is like the La Brea Tar Pits. Black, gooey and filled with tourists who don’t know any better.”

“Jil’s cute. Jil’s…cute. She’s an LA six but plantation nine.”

That “plantation” joke is a banger. You know a joke is great when you can hear Moses scream “OHHHHHH” over the rest of the roaring crowd. Jil, unfortunately, couldn’t follow up her intro zing on Sarah with a good jokes. It was still a great show due to them being so comfortable with each other.

JIL ON SARAH

“Sarah’s lucky. She’s only one Persian stereotype of having a bearable face.”

“Sarah’s last name, Afkami, is Persian for big, nasty, hairy butthole.”

I’m sure Jil will be better in her next battle but Sarah was far too much for her tonight.

??/???!

Next, Zane Pond returned to glory against Eric Bustamante in the third undercard!

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Happy birthday Zane! I know it’s like a week late but so is the Report. What a gift Zane gave us. He had a great back and forth with Moses and the Haters to start. He seemed to be back in his WWE character that brought him so much success in his first battle.

ZANE ON ERIC

“Eric’s bi-racial. His mom is Puerto Rican and his dad is the raccoon from ‘Pocahontas’.”

“Eric’s comedy is so loose and shitty that sometimes people mistake it for my asshole.”

You have to own yourself up there. This is still a comedy show and delivery is half the battle. The other half of Zane’s battle involves sweating. Eric was fine. All of his jokes were about Zane being gay which is a great thing to make fun of. But with Zane himself calling out the tightness of his own butthole, Eric has to find a different well to tap.

ERIC ON ZANE

“Zane will fuck anything that moves. The only lower than his standards are his blood sugar and T cell count.”

“Zane, I tried to click on the link to your comedy website but it was more broken than the home that turned you gay.”

Also, if there’s a gay guy within fifty miles of the show, you can bet a T cell count joke is being made. Keep that in mind, future roasters. Tuck away an extra joke or two in case you’re premise gets used.

??/???! Popular rating this week.

In the fourth undercard, Lindsey Jennings beat* Courtney Banks!

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We’ve had a lot of controversial finishes in the last year but this is like “Fail Mary” level stuff. Let’s be honest. Courtney should have probably won in regulation. She didn’t have any bombs and every joke got a huge reaction from the crowd.

COURTNEY ON LINDSEY

“Being a comic is rough. But since Lindsey can’t write her own jokes, it’s only rough on her knees.”

“Lindsey’s covered with covered with tattoos because some cum stains just can’t get out.”

Man that last one is so funny and mean and specific to Lindsey. Perfect roast joke. Lindsey was great too but didn’t really pick up steam till her second to last joke.

LINDSEY ON COURTNEY

“Courtney won’t get a tattoo. She thinks her body is a temple. That’s why she’s always inviting dudes to come inside of her.”

“Courtney takes Lexapro to help with her depression just like dudes take Viagra to help them fuck her.”

When it came time to vote, the crowd went crazy for both battlers. Moses always has to remind people that this is a vote. Cheering for a show is great but not when we’re looking for a winner. It was too close to call and we would go to overtime.

OVERTIME JOKES

“Courtney hangs out with fat girls to make her feel pretty. She doesn’t realize that’s why they hang out with her too.”

“Lindsey does lame gags for stage time and they’re all on dicks.”

Courtney’s last joke did not hit at all and the Lindsey scooped the W. Tough stuff Court. I can’t believe this is a real sentence but you need more Instagram followers if you want to win. #sighhh

And in the first semifinal of the Roast Battle Royale (remember that?), Pat Barker eliminated Omid Singh!

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Great match! I was, of course, wrong about who would would win. Omid started off with a dud and didn’t totally pick up the pace till his third joke. They were stellar roast jokes as usual but that opening bomb may have been too much to recover from.

OMID ON PAT

“Pat drives full-time for Uber. That’s the only time people in Hollywood are requesting him.”

“Pat’s dad is dead. Which must be tough to swallow unless you’re Pat, then it’s just gobble gobble gobble.

“Pat looks like the guy in the Oregon militia who asked for snacks first.”

Nice topical bit Omid! Pat Barker is a scientist. He’s got a lab. There are bodies. There are beakers. A few graphs. A lot of strategy goes into not only his jokes but the entire battle performance itself.

PAT ON OMID

“The best part Omid’s eventual suicide will be watching him get put in the friend zone seventy –two times.”

“Wow, that’s a pretty vicious joke from someone who looks like ‘Slumdog Build-a-Bear’.”

Omid has a tattoo on his wrist that he calls “set list” That’s a perfect location. Hopefully you get the light and you have to cut a few jokes.

In another joke, he calls out Omid’s eventual loss. We call that #ruthin. As in Babe? This is something he’s done since he started and newer battlers are trying to imitate in their debuts. Good luck in the finals my man! I probably won’t pick you!

??/???!

And in the final battle of the evening and semifnal, Leah Kayajanian punched her finals ticket against Joe Dosch!

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Excellent battle! A great end to one of our best nights ever. Look at the joy in Leah’s face. That’s the joy you experience when you beat the number one overall ranked battler to get to the finals of comedy’s hottest tournament. Joe came out en fuego too. His jokes about Leah’s heritage were the best/smartest Armenian jokes that I’ve heard on that stage.

JOE ON LEAH

“Leah’s nose is so big it keeps her tits dry in the rain.”

“You can tell Leah’s Armenian because her one accomplishment doesn’t deserve to be recognized.”

“Leah’s tits are so small she stuffs her bra with her chest hair.”

“Leah dates the ugliest men. She’s had more bloated bodies on her than her grandparents.”

Joe’s comfort level at Roast Battle is amazing. He effortlessly goes from his opponent to the Haters and sometimes even the judges and slays (yassss queen) them all. Joe is the top ranked battler and Leah was actually the last person to be confirmed in the tournament. A real “Davida and Gayliath” situation.

LEAH ON JOE

“You look like the ’Ghost of Gloryholes Past’.”

“Joe looks like a child who has cancer and deserves it.”

“You sound like you’re announcing a baseball game before black people could play.”

“You look like Peyton Manning fucked a fetus.”

????/???! Good luck Leah! Great job Joe!

JOKES OF THE NIGHT

“You look like the ‘Ghost of Gloryholes Past’.”

“The best part Omid’s eventual suicide will be watching him get put in the friend zone seventy–two times.”

“Lindsey’s covered with covered with tattoos because some cum stains just can’t get out.”

“Eric’s comedy is so loose and shitty that sometimes people mistake it for my asshole.”

“Jil’s cute. Jil’s…cute. She’s an LA six but plantation nine.”

I am 85-50 in picks and my new tourney bracket is dunzo. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.

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