After a long lineup of stand-ups, the battles don’t start until around midnight this Tuesday, but somehow the crowd is still fresh and hungry for verbal warfare. The first undercard of the night features two battlers seasoned in years but not in roasting, Jennifer Vally and Bob Golub.
Jennifer volunteers to draw first blood.
“Believe it or not, Bob has three kids, Parker, Payton, and Piper. Three P’s. Coincidentally, Bob has to get up three times a night to take those too, woo!”
The crowd laughs, more in amusement at Jennifer’s enthusiasm than at the actual joke as she shouts her punchline like a cheerleader.
“I really love Jennifer. She’s a real activist. She has her own hashtag. Me please.”
Bob’s joke gets a solid reaction and Jennifer attempts a cum-back… cuz it’s about cum. Anyway…
“It’s true, I’ve fucked a lot of guys but I’ve never fucked Bob because I don’t want cum dust on my back.”
“Speaking about that, you know, Jennifer’s a good friend of mine and she has a tramp stamp in the shape of an arrow pointing down, which is kinda weird you know… and uh… um…. I forgot the joke.”
The room explodes in laughter and chants of “social security.” Amongst the chaos, Bob remembers his punchline.
“The reason why it’s hard to see her tramp stamp is cuz it’s kinda worn out.”
Someone from the sidelines shouts “Are you about to pass out?” Prompting more laughter at Bob’s expense. Jennifer tries to capitalize on this opportunity.
“It’s nice to know the big book of hack jokes also comes in big print. Bob’s so desperate to make it in show business, he’ll scream out ‘Jews will not replace us’ while he’s sucking his agent’s dick for an under-five on Rizzoli and Aisles… whoa.”
Jennifer’s delivery is confident and fierce until her attack is meant with silence and she backs off in disbelief.
“She went to The Academy of Arts or whatever that fuckin thing you went to is and now she… she played the Grinch Who Stole Christmas- look at her. Jennifer grew up in Virginia but she looks like a steelworker from Youngstown, Ohio.”
Coach T plays the Happy Days theme song while Tony Hinchcliffe stands and applauds at the mention of his hometown.
As the judging process commences, Bob decides to interject in attempt to put an end to the ridicule.
“This is ridiculous. I have more credits than everyone here.”
“You may have seen him as the guy who said ‘nobody’s visited this cabin in over 30 years.” – Mike Lawrence
Bob continues to bring up his credits and fire back at the judges with little success. Nevertheless, the judges pick Bob to win based on his first joke. The audience, however, has a different idea and cheers louder for the enthusiastic and likable Jennifer Vally who takes the win.
The next woman to the stage will prove no less adversarial than Bob as Moses brings up Stephanie Tejada of Bad Girls Club.
“Sweetheart, why are you dressed like an ex-porn star who’s teaching herself how to paint?” – Joe Dosch
Tejada is quick to respond.
“You look like Bert and Ernie’s third roommate.”
“I’m just happy to be next to Tila Tequila.” – Saudi Prince
Stephanie fires back once again.
“Yeah, whatever. Let me get ten on pump number 3.”
She seems to have won the audience over with her charm before her opponent hits the stage, but of course, Jasmin Leigh won’t be upstaged.
She is introduced with a posse of cheerleaders holding signs spelling out her name and dancing as she takes the Belly Room stage.
“I have a feeling this battle is gonna be so Raven.” – Saudi Prince
Jasmin volunteers to go first.
“Stephanie quit dancing to do comedy, but some habits are hard to kick, so she still wipes down the mic stand before every set… I fucked that up, whatever.”
“Jasmin’s jokes are so bad she has to have the group Destiny’s Child back her up for her introduction.”
“Stephanie’s new to stand-up, but a master at laying on her back.”
“She said you a ho!” – Jamar Neighbors
“Jasmin looks like Venus and Serena Williams’ brother. I’m just kidding, I’m just kidding, You look like Chili from TLC after Usher burned her. Hey everybody! It’s burnt Chili!”
“Stephanie looks like Dora the Explorer after fucking her first black guy.”
This gets the first real pop of the actual battle, putting Stephanie on the defense.
“You look like the only Jasmine Aladdin wouldn’t fuck. He would rather talk to a monkey and stay homeless than fuck with Jasmin. The only reason he would notice you is cuz your weave looks like the magic carpet.”
Her last attempt doesn’t land as hard as Jasmin’s Dora the Explorer joke prompting the judges to favor Jasmin. However, the momentum gained by Stephanie’s pre-battle banter keeps the crowd on her side and Stephanie wins the popular vote, garnering her first Belly Room win.
Next up, Evan Cassidy walks onstage and Joe Eurell is carried on.
“Moses, I’m excited to see this battle between the civil war reenactor and a guy whose North is also stronger than his South.” -Tony Hinchcliffe
“Evan looks as emotionally crippled as Joe looks physically crippled.” -Mike Lawrence
Joe Dosch pumps the crowd up for the battle and Evan takes the first joke.
“You might know Joe from taking up too much space in clubs and colleges everywhere.”
“Well you dropped out of college, but anyway Evan got fired from Uber. Now he drives drunk for free.”
“Joe constantly sounds like he’s choking on stem cells.”
“Evan claims to have Irritable Bowel Syndrome because he can’t tell his family he takes it up the ass.”
“Joe’s overcome so much. He’s unstoppable… unless you have a broom or a spike strip.”
The battle is pretty even up to this point, both getting well deserved reactions for their jokes, but Joe has one last banger up his sleeve.
“Evan is a lactose intolerant, balding, ginger alcoholic. He only wears denim to make up for his lack of durable genes.”
So far, these two have the best-written jokes of the night and both battlers are commended on a job well done, but the judges and the crowd agree that Joe edged out the battle with a solid closer. Eurell announces he has a show at the Store next week and is about to film a special.
“He should name his special ‘Needs.’” – Saudi Prince
This brings the night’s undercards to an end and begins the tournament semi-final rounds.
Jonathan Rowell and Tony Bartolone are set to go first in a seven-joke one round battle.
“Jonathan’s a huge Selena fan. He celebrates by luring people to cheap motels and unloading on their back.”
“Tony looks like he measures time in the amount of lasagnas he’s eaten. For example, Tony’s girlfriend left him 2,000 lasagnas ago.”
Rowell hits a double punchline, getting the initial momentum going.
“Jonathan went to Christian school. While everyone was learning about Jesus, he was dreaming about nailing Jesus.”
“Tony, you look like you live in someone’s attic without their knowledge.”
“Jonathan’s so gay and Mexican, he does jalapeño poppers.”
This joke gets the biggest pop of the battle so far, swinging the pendulum back in Tony’s favor.
“Tony is homeless, but he’s actually really smart. He can break any code… to any Starbucks bathroom.”
“Jonathan’s always bitching about how painful appendicitis was. I don’t get what the big deal is. It’s not like that’s the first time a body part exploded inside him.”
“Tony used to date a woman with no legs, because she’s the only person he could fit in his shopping cart.”
“Jonathan, you pretentious poof, you look like you shushed people at the women’s march.”
“Tony once did a roast battle while sitting in a garbage can. I just think it’s so cool he still had his old crib.”
“Jonathan’s dad used to beat the shit out of him. Now he gets daddies to beat the shit into him.”
“Tony works as an actor for a dinner theatre company on a boat in Long Beach, or as his family puts it, Tony’s dead.”
Moses calls for last joke.
“Jonathan was Catholic before he realized he was gay. I’m not religious but I’d rather drink the blood of Christ than come anywhere near the blood of Jonathan.”
“Tony’s attempted suicide because his family doesn’t support him, just like all the tree branches he’s tried to hang himself from.”
Jonathan’s last three jokes get better reactions, winning back the crowd after Tony’s jalapeño poppers joke. The audience seemed almost equally entertained by the setups in their jokes which just shows how gay and sad their lives are, but ultimately Jonathan wins the round and moves on to the finals next week.
Jonathan’s opponent is to be decided in the next matchup between Jeff Sewing and Bryan Vokey. As both take the stage, Tony Hinchcliffe favors Jeff to win based on Vokey’s roastable physical qualities, or as he puts it:
“This guy’s so ugly.”
Mike Lawrence and Jeff Ross simply express excitement for the battle and commend both battlers on the work they’ve done in the tournament so far. With that, Jeff goes first.
“Bryan lives in a renovated dentist’s office. So at least if he rapes you, you get a free toothbrush.”
“Jeff, you look like you chicken finger your wife.”
With a first joke is that is so pointed and funny, Bryan is able to immediately take control of the battle.
“Bryan has ‘serve nothing’ tattooed on his wrist, which is gonna be hilarious in a few years when he’s serving my Quiznos order.”
“Jeff’s the son of a truck driver and a casino security guard. He’s what you get when a methhead cums in a penny slot.”
“Bryan was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, which is a disorder typically found in children and only the second worst thing Bryan has that can be found in children.”
“Are you calling me a pedophile? You look like you hold kids ransom for monster truck tickets.”
“Bryan used to be in a punk band called Neon Piss. Now he’s in a comedy career called eating shit.”
“I was actually at Jeff’s wedding. It was beautiful. I’ll never forget his vows. ‘Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me real good.”
Again, Bryan has a killer joke that buries the room, pulling even further ahead despite Jeff having solid material as well.
“Thank you, Ichabod Crohn’s.”
“You’re welcome, every extra from The Waterboy.”
“Bryan, you look like you rode here on a skateboard with truck nuts.”
“You guys should have laughed harder at that. Jeff was a standout in musical theater at his Catholic high school. I think all those years of blocking priest cum gave him the best jazz hands.”
Vokey punctuates his joke with an act out.
“Bryan has a podcast called No Sir, I Don’t Like It. What’s is about? Interracial dating?”
“Jeff used to have an eyebrow piercing and a dick piercing. You looked like a piece of corn who’s favorite band was Korn.”
“Bryan used to go to school to study early childhood education. Thank God they caught him or he’d still be staring through that grade school’s window.”
“I don’t know if you noticed but Jeff’s lost a lot of weight recently thanks to a new diet where he always takes the skin off his victims’ breasts.”
Any other night and any other opponent, Jeff probably would’ve won, but Bryan Vokey was on another level tonight. In the battle of the night, the judges unanimously pick Vokey to go to the finals. They not only give him his well-deserved dues for this battle but for his efforts in the entire tournament. He’ll be back in two weeks to battle Jonathan Rowell in a three-round main event. See you all then!
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