After the night’s standup is over, the last battles of 2017 are set to commence. Much like New Year’s Eve, the night was mostly a disappointment, but ended in a bang. It was a long haul to the finish line but the crowd stuck with us to the end.
First up, Antonio Montello takes on Malcolm Hatchett. Neither of these two have battled before, so the judges anticipate a clunker.
“Now I know why you asked me to judge.” – Amin Elhassan
Malcolm confidently offers to take the bullet.
“Antonio’s so ugly…”
“How ugly is he?” – Jamar Neighbors
“When he came out of his mama the doctor said, ‘You could have given me 300 dollars to get rid of this motherfucker.”
“Malcolm’s from North Carolina. When he moved out here, his mom made sure he had a nice place to live in. You can find his house parked down the street on Sunset.”
“Antonio’s mama is so fat…”
“How fat is she?”
“They go out to eat, they give her the menu, and she asks for the first three pages.”
“Guys, Malcolm isn’t a complete failure. His biggest accomplishment in life is when he got accepted for food stamps.”
“Antonio’s a Jew. He’s Jewish. Every time we play hide and go seek, he ends up in the basement.”
“Malcolm showed me his fridge the other day and it had dehydrated fruit, sardines and his car insurance… it was his glove compartment.”
The audience was left choosing between the guy with no jokes and the guy who clearly just googled “roast jokes” and didn’t even choose the best the internet had to offer. in the end, Malcolm took the win. While roast battle has it’s roots in “yo mama” street jokes, anyone who’s seen the show knows the art form’s been elevated. However, a slight historical error suggests that Malcolm’s last joke may have been original thought.
“I didn’t get the Jewish basement thing… you mean the attic?” – Jena Friedman
At the end of the day, Malcolm got a bigger reaction than Antonio, who got absolutely nothing and receives his first victory.
After this fiasco, the crowd hopes for more from two battlers who’ve done the show before, but Brian Moses calls it from the beginning.
“I said they’ve done it before. I’m not saying it’s gonna be good.”
Moses brings up Ernie Stone, who admits he faked mental illness to get out of the military, but hey, we’re all pieces of shit here. I won’t cast stones. Brandon Brickz tackles the stage and tries to rekindle the crowd’s energy by starting a chant.
“When I say Ernie sucks, you say Ernie sucks!”
The crowd responds with confused silence because…what? That’s not how that works, but okay. Ernie volunteers the start off the round.
“Brandon was so hungry for street cred, he got a cardiac arrest.”
This isn’t a bad joke, but the crowd is cold and timid at this point, so it isn’t met with much approval. Brandon takes the opportunity to swoop in with loud enthusiasm and quickly stands up from his stool.
“OKAY. OKAY. Okay. A lot of people say Ernie’s got a lot of balls, but they’re mostly on his chin.”
The crowd groans.
“I can’t believe you got up for that.” – Jeff Ross
Brandon sits back down, taking Jeff’s remark with good humor.
“Brandon got cast in Uncle Tom’s Cabin…as the cabin.”
“Ernie Stone is a terrible comedian and Jew. An Easy Bake Oven could roast better than this nigga.”
“Brandon is gigantic, black and his jokes have no beginning or end. He’s like if outer space were a person.”
“I’m getting roasted by a fake Jake-Gyllenhaal-lookin-ass nigga. This nigga got married to an illegal alien wife. They’ve got something in common. They’re both outsourced pussies. That’s what they are.”
Following complete silence, Coach Tea blasts “I Have Nothing” by Whitney Houston, ultimately earning him the W in this battle and both Ernie and Brandon go home with nothing.
At this point, the night is begging for a savior. Will it be undefeated battlers, Sharon Houston and Brett Erickson who salvage Tuesday in the Belly Room? Erickson claims the match.com couple is there to “save the show” and it SEEMS promising.
Jena Friedman takes a shot at Brett, pinning him as the guy who shows you his dick at the company Christmas party, to which Brett responds:
“Not to you.”
This wakes the crowd up for a moment as Jamar walks over to take a selfie with Erickson.
“That’s not even an insult.” – Jena Friedman
Yeah, but it’s the best this crowd has gotten all night. Let them have it.
Sharon kicks off the battle.
“Brett gets a lot of shit for riding Doug Stanhope’s coattails, but believe it or not Doug is actually inspired by Brett with his acting, like the time Doug played a failed actor on Louie with a failed comedian and also wanted to kill himself… I fucked that up. I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I fucked it up. SHIIIT”
“Sharon thinks she fucks a lot of gay guys. She doesn’t. She fucks a lot of guys who will tell her ANYTHING after.”
“Says the guy who looks like an art teacher who’s been banned from every middle school within a thousand miles.”
“Thank you, Annie DeVito.”
“You’re welcome, retired school shooter. After doing stand up comedy for 25 years, Brett still has a day job where he recycles film, and at night, he recycles Doug Stanhope’s act… FUUCK.”
“Sharon likes young guys who manscape. She’s had her mouth on so many pube-less penises, they moved her to another parish.”
“Brett’s from Peoria, Illinois. Peoria is a test market city where they test market things before they release them throughout the country, which explains why Brett released his wife and kids before he moved to LA.”
“You forgot to say fuck at the end.” – Jeff Ross
“I’m not saying Sharon’s pussy is a national disaster, but if you google ‘Cuban Bay of Pigs,’ her pussy comes up second.”
This wasn’t a disastrous battle, but Sharon did not economize her words, leaving the audience to process too much by the end of her jokes, resulting in little reaction. Brett seemed a little more confident, less flustered in his delivery, and his jokes were more polished. Erickson continues his streak and sends Houston home with her first loss.
It was time for the main event and this crowd was ready for blood. They needed to see a battle and Alex Duong and Robin Tran were ready to give it to them. After Alex had taken the stage with the swagger and confidence only the prettiest Asian man in comedy could possibly possess, Coach Tea plays Robin up to “Whatta Man” by Salt-N-Pepa, which was possibly the funniest moment of the show up to this point. Jeff asks why Robin has been gone so long and Robin simply answers “I went crazy.” Luckily, she is back, good-natured and ready to roast as she raises her hand to take the first shot.
“Alex looks like he says ‘Yo, dawg’ a lot… like ‘Yo dawg, can I eat yo dog?”
“Robin could never drive for Uber because she’s about to get the only operation that makes you a worse driver.”
“Alex quit medical school to pursue comedy. Wow, I didn’t know it was possible to disappoint your parents, your girlfriend, and your audience all at the same time.”
“That’s right, I did drop out, because a lot like you, I can’t handle periods.”
“Oh was that it? That was really good.”
“Thank you Ali Dong.”
“Don’t worry, Alex. Your girlfriend still supports you. I mean financially. She thinks your comedy fucking sucks.”
“Robin, how do you have the lisp of Mike Tyson and the body of his punching bags?”
“Alex, it’s a good thing your eyes are that far apart because then you can see ALL the lives you’ve destroyed with your alcoholism.”
“At least I’ll never take 12 steps down a shitty makeup tutorial. Robin, the only thing more pushed back than your hairline.”
“Alex, if we were both born in China, I wouldn’t know which one to kill first.”
“Between the Comedy Store and the women’s bathroom, that’s two places Robin will never get passed.”
FINALLY! These Asians did their homework and gave the audience a battle. The judges offer both battlers their fair share of praise, but give the win to Alex. It was a victory for both battlers tonight however as Alex takes the W and Robin makes a return and reminds us that she’s a fucking comic above everything else. Jeff Ross expresses how great it is that Roast Battle is an outlet and something we do when we’re feeling better about ourselves and not worse. We’re here to make people laugh, and both Robin and Alex did exactly that after a long night of groans to finish off 2017. Happy New Year!
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