Another week, another beautiful shot by Troy Conrad. For the last few weeks, I’ve been promising bigger things from us over here at Roast Battle. Well it’s here! I’m happy to announce the first ever Roast Battle Tournament! That’s right, we have a good ol’ fashioned winner-take-all Roast Battle Royale! The Committee and I got together and looked at the top 20 battlers. After a grueling selection process, we produced a top sixteen to go head to head in undercards! These “tourney undercards” will highlight Tuesdays for the rest of the year with the final four being held at a venue of mass importance. The matches are as follows:
Keith Carey versus Stuart Thompson
Doug Fager versus Jerron Horton
Luke Schwartz versus Pat Barker
Rich Slaton versus Joe Dosch
Omid Singh versus Alex Hooper
Kim Congdon versus Pete C
Frank Castillo versus Leah Kayajanian
Jay Light versus Hormoz Rashidi
Hot damn, right? Maybe the best battle lineup we’ve had since the Dirty Dozen. Does that make this the Sick Sixteen? We’ll work on that.
Ranks and records in regular season play no factor in tournament play, so everyone will have a clean slate. There will be prizes. Money, fame and glory to name a few. The best part? You get to be a part of it! Within the next few days, our homepage will have a link to the tourney page. Our goal is to have you, the reader/listener/attendee join the fun and vote who will win! Will you go chalk? Or will you be the one who picks Cinderella all the way to the big dance? I’ll have my own and we all know how good a battle-picker I am. Stay tuned battle lovers! Ok…one more Troy Conrad pic before the previews.
Don’t worry. This is as normal as it gets every Tuesday at 11pm.
The first undercard found Robert Zoref (1-0, 70) victorious over Jake Luce (0-1, 131)!
Argh! That pesky fire came back for the photos of the first battle! It’s ok. We have a lovely picture of what could be the best group of hateful people since the Westboro Baptist Church. Good first battle! Jake snuck a zing in before Robert took the stage. It hit but once again we see a good pre-battle zing does not translate to an easy win. Jake might have had a chance to win but his first two jokes were a little weird. The second two hit though.
JAKE ON ROBERT
“Rob Zoref’s resting facial expression is ‘mug shot of a guy who’s forgotten about some of his rapes.’”
“At least I don’t look like a Jew that killed other Jews in the Holocaust.”
The second joke served as a comeback but it might have been a standalone joke that happened to work as a comeback. Either way, it wasn’t enough. Robert wasn’t that much better but he had one less bomb than Jake and his jokes were mean enough to win the crowd.
ROBERT ON JAKE
“Jake, you creepy fuck. You look like the kind of guy who’d go down on a Fleshlight.”
“Jake works at a Star Wars summer camp where he teaches kids to be a Jedi. The only time he uses the force is when he drags them to his van.”
Honestly, this round should probably go to Keith Carey (5-2, 6) for roasting everyone but technically we have to give it to Robert. ? / ? ? ?!
The next undercard had Aaron Marsh (1-1, 50) coming back strong against Parker Searfoss (1-1, 96)!
Aww, it’s like a little brother battle! They look so presh when they’re all grown up and roasting each other. These two ex-Flapper’s employees provided a swell experience for everyone involved! We all laughed and booed them for previously working for another comedy club. I’d like to remind people that Jay Light (7-4, 4) worked for Flapper’s before being consumed by The Comedy Store. And we all love Jay, right? Good battle! Mean jokes!
PARKER ON AARON
“Aaron’s parents disowned him after he left the Mormon church. Hey, at least they didn’t return you to the Build-A-Bear workshop.”
“Aaron doesn’t have any TV credits but his special will be coming out on ABC No Family.”
“Aaron worked as a 911 dispatcher. He loved when rape victims called in because it was the closest he got to phone sex.”
These are often won or lost in a single moment. Not Parker though, he lost in a series of moments. First, when some douche asked that he explain his joke and then…Parker did. Battlers, for future reference, don’t ever do that. Don’t explain your joke. He also flubbed a joke and had to repeat it. Aaron, for his part, was a consistent, hard-hitting winner. Everything his Chicago Cubs are not.
AARON ON PARKER
“I like Parker because he likes to put his money where his mouth is; Jay Light’s asshole.”
“Parker resembles Harry Potter. And by that I mean his friends do ninety percent of the work and he gets all the credit.”
“Parker looks like Ted Bundy. But if you’ve seen him do standup, you know he’s incapable of killing.”
Welcome to the winner’s club, Aaron. ? ? / ? ? ?!
Keith Reza (2-1, 36) took down Joey Barone (1-1, 64) in the final undercard of the evening.
This was an all-around great battle! Each battler had a joke misfire but the energy was so hot that even the bombs got a good reaction from the crowd. The Haters were great and the Wave was super wavy. Keith’s performance was a rare example of winning by persona rather than written jokes. His jokes were general and slightly disjointed but he owned the delivery. His comfort on stage is what won the crowd over.
KEITH ON JOEY
“Joey was telling me what he does for a living. He’s a marketer. Too bad he can’t market his comedy career.”
“Joey looks like James Franco and he told me that. I was like ‘Oh, do you suck Seth Rogen’s dick too?’”
“Joey told me about the first time he was with a girl. He put his dick in her asshole. She was like “What are you doing?” and he was like “Oh, I’m just doing what I did to my little brother.’”
Keith’s aloof energy kept him afloat, even through a joke-off that was not beneficial to either roaster. Joey had great jokes but wasn’t able to capitalize in regulation when Keith had a less than stellar joke.
JOEY ON KEITH
“Keith looks like the kid from ‘Two and a Half Men’ if he ate two and a half men.”
“Keith said this fight would be like Mike Tyson versus Evander Holyfield. Yea, if Mike had spent the whole fight trying to bite his own ear.”
“Keith has Autism but so did Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, and Plato. Which just goes to show, you even suck at being retarded.”
The joke-off may have left us wanting more but there were no real losers in this excellent battle. Except Joey. I guess he was a “real” loser. Love ya, Joe!
Just misses out on a full FE rating due to poor joke-off. ? ? / ? ? ?
And finally, in our Main Event, Tony Muresianu (3-3, 24) proved me wrong by overcoming Harris Moroz (2-1, 43)!
I know those aren’t their real names. Ben Gleib and Byron Bowers decided they didn’t need their real names. Earl Skakel (2-1, 25) really dug the way tonight was booked. Nothing but white guys. Boring, right? That’s what I thought until I saw that all of tonight’s battlers are the main cast for Cameron Crowe’s “Aloha” sequel. Exciting stuff! I may have been wrong on this battle but it’s truly because I had no idea who would win. I was torn right until I clicked post. I picked Harry because I thought his energy and stage presence fit Roast Battle more than Toby’s. But I forgot about Toby’s superior joke-writing ability. Toby might have won the battle on his first joke.
TONY ON HARRIS
“Harry looks like his ideal night is white wine and scissoring.”
“I was surprised to hear that Harry unicycles. I didn’t think you could do anything less entertaining.”
“Harry’s Russian and so is his comedy. He goes places no one wants him and then bombs over and over again.”
“Harry’s act is so weak, it’s used by cancer patients working their way up to full-size jokes.”
“Harry had so many gay experiences in college, he graduated the top, bottom and middle of his class.”
“Harry’s an environmental comedian. Half his jokes are recycled and the other half are just garbage.”
Right after the first round, the dude who requested a joke explanation decided to pipe up again. I don’t understand this. You wouldn’t go to a gun range and start making fun of a shooter’s aim, would ya? No, that’d be dumb. That’s what this guy did. Future crowd members…don’t do this. Unless you want an invite to be roasted live on stage, which happened to this guy and he turned it down. What? The drunk dude-bro backed off talking shit when he got confronted? Can’t believe it. Anyhoo, Harry was great. He even saved some his best jokes for the third round. It was just Tony Muresianu’s night.
HARRIS ON TONY
“Toby’s binary sexual. He’s only ever fucked one zero.”
“Toby looks like he pays for sex with Bitcoin.”
“Toby’s Jew nerd blood runs so deep, his grandparents were murdered in a concentration computer camp.”
“Toby looks like an Amish guy who says he churns butter but means he fucks kids.”
“Toby’s a vegetarian. He doesn’t agree with killing animals but has no problem butchering a set.”
“Toby made his television debut on ‘Win Ben Stein’s Charisma’.”
Good stuff, guys. ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?!
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Harry had so many gay experiences in college, he graduated the top, bottom and middle of his class.” – Toby on Harry
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Harry looks like his ideal night is white wine and scissoring.”- Toby on Harry
I am 58-39 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow pod sponsor Living Extracts on Twitter and IG. Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email email@example.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.