With Mother’s Day right around the corner, these comedians will disobey everything their mothers ever told them by destroying each other’s souls with cruelty. Well, mom, they learned it from watching YOU!
Wombatter up! Our first battle is between saucy Aussie Sarah Lawrence taking on Alice “Gets Riled Up to the Soundtrack of” Hamilton. Alice is one of the newest faces in the top 50 rankings of Roast Battlers and seems to be coming back regularly, with each battle stronger than the last. Sarah Lawrence shares a name with the college she couldn’t get into without help from her parents. Will Sarah get kangarude or will Alice refuse to throw away her shot?
For our next battle, Russell Ells is taking on Victor Martinez. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen either of these dumb faced goons, but they’ve brought some jokes in the past. I know Victor must be feeling the pressure. After all, he’s the only lesbian battling tonight. This battle looks like it began when they started sending each other pictures of the public poops they were taking and too much anger ensued. It’s half mexican versus full mexican.. Will they be too tired from Cinco de Mayo or will they come out into the audience to pour pitchers of margaritas into our open shameful mouths? Which will it be? Taco Bell or Street Tacos?
Next up, Sarah Fatemi will try to take down Ryan Nesen. Both battlers have shown they’re hungry for wins in the Roast Battle ring. Sarah may look like 7th wife material, but she smells like an old bowl of curry that badly needs to be dumped and washed. They keep trying to make her go to rehab but she won’t go, go, go. Ryan looks like he either runs solely on cocaine or his own self loathing. Either way, he has small dick energy and most likely spends his summers drugging women’s drinks at the Jersey Shore. It honestly looks like Ryan just thought Sarah was cute but instead of asking her out, he just asked to make fun of her the way second graders do when they have crushes. Little does he know: Sarah’s sex life is a lot like the Allah she prays to: completely imaginary. Will this battle be a situation or a pile of shiite?
For your main event, Billy Anderson takes on Tom Whalen. It’s drinking IPAs out of a shoe versus can’t afford the car insurance to live in a van down by the river. With a mustache that says “I eat boys’ butts” but a body that says “I also eat everything else,” it seems Tom is going to take a break from what he usually roasts: a can of beans over an open trash fire underneath the 405. Billy is so deep in the closet, Mr. Tumnus just leant him that flannel because it didn’t go with his scarf. Sorry, Billy, I know you want me to let the people know the truth… that Turkish Delight is the closest you get to associating with middle easterns. I’m joking. The truth is… we all accept that Billy is a Tegan and Sara loving lesbian. The question is.. when will he accept himself? Tom and Billy are some of the best newcomers to the Roast Battle scene. These two have told jokes that have made us die laughing and jokes that made us wish we were dead from boredom. However, they’ve learned from their mistakes. We’ve watched them grow into stronger and stronger performers and joke writers in this ring over time. It’s been a delight to watch. You’re in for a good one tonight, folks.