As the February doldrums hit we once again circle around the warmth of the homeless garbage can fire that is a night at Roast Battle.  Warm your bones as the flask bottle of comedy is passed around and you wonder why you cut off the finger tip part of your gloves.  You’re homeless… don’t your fingers get cold?  I mean yeah, it looks cooler, but as far as functionality?  Anyways, we’ve got three battles and at least two of them should be really good. 

Our first battle of the night showcases white girl, hip hop dance machine, Kim McVicar (4-1) versus belly dancer of the Belly Room, Sarah Fatemi (7-4), shown above at their most candid and natural.  Kim used to be a backup dancer for Diddy and it’s that type of intensity and focus on craft that scares the shit out of me.  She looks like when she plays catch she throws it her hardest and tries to hurt your hands. Luckily, this is the place for that type of intensity.  Kim has had some really strong battles and is rising fast, but will have her hands full against Sarah Fatemi.  If I hear one more joke about Sarah looking like a blurry, watercolor version of Julia-Louis Dreyfuss… I will still laugh. Because facts are facts.  Sarah has shown flashes of really strong roasting with some valleys in there as well, but if he brings her A-game this will be a great fight. 

Next up we have a virgin suicide between two comics manufactured in Detroit: Markus Olind versus Justin Essemacher.  If these two were Detroit made cars Justin looks like a Chrysler Town and Country– not too flashy and his shows usually seat six, while Markus Olind is a Plymouth.  Not a specific Plymouth, just any Plymouth where a sexual assault has occurred.  So get some marshmallows for your Iacocca and see who from Motown reigns supreme. (See Also: 8 Mile, bailout, Berry Gordy, assembly line, Tayshaun Prince…)

Our first Main Event of the evening brings me real and tangible joy: suburban Gumby Quentin Thomas (14-5-1) versus Jewish John Holmes Zach Stein (12-11-1).  Quentin is a giant with a heart of gold and Zach is a lovable Jew who will steal your heart… especially when it’s made of gold.  He really likes gold.  Zach is also notoriously well endowed.  Like, if you put Zach’s dick on Quentin it would still look comical. Partly because it would still look big, but also I imagine he has something funny written on it, or he puts a bowtie on it just to be wacky.  Tomorrow we answer the age old question, “what happens when a giant that always gets used meets a giant cock that never gets used?”  COMEDY MAGIC.  Quentin has become one of the most consistent and strongest joke writers in the game and is a guy who is fierce off of the cuff, too.  Zach on the other hand is a true original.  Every battle he tells at least one joke that I don’t think I ever would have thought of.  Zach is lightning quick off the cuff and always makes the show interesting with his laissez-faire/devil may care attitude and three sheets to the wind cadence.  I think “consistency” and “originality” are the two highest compliments you can attribute to a joke writer and they belong to these two. 

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