Valentine’s Day has come and gone. If you took your guy or gal out for a romantic evening this past Friday, then you’re ahead in the relationship and they owe you. Cash in that favor Tuesday night by making her come to Roast Battle at the Comedy Store, or just get some head, it’s up to you. Either way, we’ll be doing what we do every Tuesday, combatively roasting one another in an audition for Jeff Ross to become our father figure. Anyone who claims to be roast battling for anything other than that is a liar and not my friend.
Like every week, we’ll have some of the best comedians in the world, shit probably the galaxy, judging over the roast battles. I just don’t know who they are yet. It’s Monday, this thing’s not until Tuesday; Bill and Ted didn’t know what their history presentation was going to be about the day before, and on the day of they had the real Napoleon Bonaparte. Have a little faith, we’re gonna have great judges. Fortunately, we already have our great battlers lined up and ready to go.
The first fight of the night pits rookie battler Lindsay Glazer against hardened veteran, Billy Anderson. It’s true, Billy’s been hardened by the emotional and psychological trauma that comes with doing this show a lot, and when it ultimately breaks him, we will close our doors in his face. It’s one of the more shameful aspects of Roast Battle that most report writers shy away from, but not me. His opponent Glazer, a naive and optimistic greenhorn, has battled once and came away victorious in a solid debut against another rookie. She’ll have to elevate her performance a good deal to compete with Billy, who has been on an absolute tear, destroying everything in his path on his way to becoming a top 20 roaster.
The next battle may not be the main event, but Digits versus Tokyo Kuntpunch will be the most anticipated battle of the night for some. It does have a nice ring to it, but the real reason people are going to be clambering to get in for this one is the cult following recently amassed by Los Digits. Digits entered roast battle as a rap battler going against a comic as a gimmick, so naturally everyone appreciated him showing up, but we wouldn’t be needing his services going forward. 12 Roast Battles and all sorts of antics later, and Digits is still here, with a winning record and an enormous fanbase. His opponent, Tokyo Kuntpunch, also has an enormous fanbase – of men who have sex with her for money. Yes, Tokyo is a prostitute, and I say that with the utmost praise. Tokyo Kuntpunch or Hung Yung Terrarist, whichever name it is, she sure knows how to make people recoil and take notice. Tokyo has lost soundly in her battles, but can take the punches and is a lot of fun for roasting. Once her roasting skill meets her roastability, she will put on some of the best battles we’ve ever seen. This should be an electric battle between two of Roast Battle’s most polarizing characters.
Next up, will be Austin Nasso versus Nate Welch, two of Roast Battle’s most active rookie battlers. Nate has had a bit better showing in the early stages of his roasting career, with tight concise joke writing that go well with his intimidating look and Louisiana accent. He most recently lost to Digits in a phenomenal battle, that shook the room. Nevertheless, he’ll be looking to bounce back with a win against Austin. Austin has had some tough luck getting going, he has strong jokes, but has yet to put together a complete solid set, and often gets a little flustered. During his last battle, in his first joke, he said “Sorry, I actually lowkey had a mini panic attack for real” which is the least endearing way to express that. The good news is that if you can write good jokes, you can write a good set, so Austin could break out any night, and maybe tonight will be that night.
The next battle has winless Ezekiel Eechevarria taking on newcomer Esmeralda Villalobos. Sometimes they list the battles in the wrong order, and I write them out that way. I bet that’s what happened here, this is probably the first battle. I can’t find any social media for Esmeralda to get a picture or information about her. Interestingly enough, Esmeralda Villalobos is the character name of the cab driver in Pulp Fiction, so I’ve included a picture of Esmeralda Villalobos, played by Angela Jones. Ezekiel is still trying to get his footing at Roast Battle, as he hasn’t recorded a solid win recently. His last battle was a double loss, but perhaps he will rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Probably not, but what else am I going to say about this battle?
Our final undercard of the night has Alice Hamilton taking on Ahmed Al-Kadri. I am so sick of writing about Alice Hamilton. This is my third Roast Report in a row where she’s battling, and I’ve said all I have to say. She’s really funny and she’s easy to roast for so many reasons, puts on great shows. Ahmed is the complete opposite of Alice. Just kidding, he’s also very roastable. Just kidding, he’s the nice things too. Ahmed has a handful of battles under his belt with some impressive wins, but will be looking to bounce back from a close loss in his most recent battle. Both these battlers are strong writers who know how to put on a show. This battle is the closest we’re coming to paying tribute to Black History Month. Expect some racisms, they know we love racisms.
Finally in our main event Ashley Johnson takes on Greg Roque. These are two of my absolute favorite battlers to watch. They both write tight, precise jokes that never miss, and are loose and sharp off the cuff. I guess while it is Black History Month, it’s worth mentioning that Ashley went to an all-black college. He sure constantly finds it to be worth mentioning. Ashley is a race traitor, but that’s ok, because at the end of the day, we’re all part of one race, the human race. Having said that, Ashley is for sure a race traitor. Greg went to an all-Asian college, but that’s not racial treachery. There are very specific rules, I won’t bore you with the details. These are two phenomenal roast battlers with no holes in their game. These two almost never miss, so it just comes down to who hits harder tonight.