I hope you didn’t miss us too much, you drama-hungry uggos. We know, you’re stoked for another Tuesday night of verbal violence!
Your judges for the evening are The Roastmaster General Jeff Ross, ESPN’s Amin Elhassan, the unmistakably majestic Clayton English, the Salt and Peppered Sexpot Cort McCown, and because every line up should have a woman: Annie Lederman.
While you were jerking your fuck stick or kneading your coochie dough to some trash on Netflix, these filthy foul mouths have been writing jokes about each other. Who’s up?
Our first fight of the night will be Russell Ells versus Berenice Ashikian.
Russell has battled in the Belly before, but it’s a first for Berenice. It seems like he wants to take her virginity in more ways than one. Russell looks like if they remade Grease only casting specials and Berenice looks like Lena Dunham if she somehow tried less. I don’t know Berenice but if I were to guess her favorite hobbies, they would be idolizing anime characters and taking the voices of mermaids. This animosity looks like it all started at a Golden Corral outside of Orlando when they both reached for the last pork roll. Who will win? More importantly, will they ever bring out more pork rolls?
Our second carnival of carnage will be Micah Bleich going up against Billy Anderson.
Micah Bleich, while having a name that sounds like how you phonetically spell the sounds of food poisoning, is actually a pretty decent battler. Here he is pictured eating human excrement, so you know he’s willing to do anything for attention. Billy, on the other hand, is… wait, who was I talking about again? Oh, yeah, that guy. He’s like Danny Bonaduce if you had even less of a reason to remember his name. Billy has proven himself to be a great battler in the Belly Room, earning himself 5 joke main events and a Rookie of the Year Nomination. I’d call him a leprechaun, but he looks too homophobic to be caught near a rainbow. Who will win over the crowd’s love? Big Lame Theory or Gay Gang Bangs of New York?
Our third tussle of terror will be Timothy McGorry versus Ashley Johnson.
If you’re a bag of trash on fire, clap your hands! I’m glad we brought up the clap, because they’d get it if it meant a woman would let them smell her. I am confident this will be great since these two are ball busting besties that even host an open mic together. Ashley, displayed here showing off the size of his butthole, looks like Mr. Clean if he couldn’t keep himself clean. Tim looks like when he takes walks around the city, the Ghostbusters try to melt him. They look like they met at a Dungeon Porn Convention and discovered they are roadies that will never make it. As roadies. Before they met, they had actually been dirty talking for months using the ham radios in their semi trucks. Tim has battled fairly consistently and has the potential to be the next rising star in the Roast Battle game. Between Ashley’s original biting jokes and his “give zero fucks” energy, he has never had a boring battle.
Next up will be Josh Waldron and Scout Durwood, throwing down at their high school sleepover.
Josh Waldron started the Roast Battle blog, which is where this very report started! He is an OG battler and is also so deep in the closet, I’m pretty sure Mr. Tumnus gave him his hipster haircut. Scout Durwood is a drop dead gorgeous, ukulele-playing lesbian. It’s very difficult for me to say something mean about somebody so perfect… so I’ll allow this photo to do it for me, which was actually taken in line at a Ralph’s. This battle started when they met at a Glee cast Q&A, where they fought over whether Lea Michele actually murdered Cory Monteith. I believe this is Scout’s first time battling, so let’s hope they both bring jokes. And strap-ons. For Josh’s butt.
Our Main Event is between two beasts in the ring, Joe Eurell and Movses Shakarian.
This looks like a battle over who is God’s bigger mistake. Movses is an “Armenian All Star”, but don’t worry, the gay cancels out the smell. We haven’t seen Movses battle in a while, but every time he comes to the Belly Room, our buttholes tingle with joy. Since he started battling, there is no obstacle too big for him! Or dick. Because he’s very gay. Get it? Joe Eurell may not be able to talk the talk but he also can’t walk. You never see the room explode the way it does after Joe finishes a roast joke. He’s clever, he’s caring, and he’s crippled. Both comics are great joke writers and captivating performers. This is sure to be a beast of a main event you won’t want to miss.