The Sklar Brothers, Sean White and Jake Flores are all present and ready to judge some verbal violence. There was supposed to be a performance by Boon Shakalaka, but Boon is MIA. Kali B is brought to the stage followed by Carlos Balasquide to get the night going with a virgin sacrifice.
Carlos volunteers Kali to go first. I’m sure it’s not the first time he’s pressured a woman into doing something. But Kali goes along with it and expels her first idea:
“You look like if Mr. Potato Head and Felix the Cat had a retard baby.”
Carlos does a fake out fist bump with an obnoxious screech noise, like he was Jamie Foxx circa 1996, followed by something incomprehensible. After playing the audio back about 673 times and making several fruitless Google searches the best guess I can come up with is, “Calm down, Jew town.” It was the first of many things in this battle to make little-to-no sense. Onto his first convoluted thought:
“You’re built like you beat breast cancer twice, and now you only sell your body to the less fortunate.”
So he basically tells her she’s built strong enough to overcome two bouts with cancer and now she’s a prostitute that services poor people who desperately need to fuck. He just called her a double hero. What a burn!
“Ok, ok, ok… You would still hit it tho. Your IG name is ‘The Official Puerto Rican Papi’… How do you go through life like that?”
“You look like Bruno Mars did RuPaul’s Drag Race.”
“I feel like you use a very a tight grip when you jerk off so you have like burning blisters on your dick, ya know what I mean? You’re like a self-making herpes motherfucker. Ya know what I mean?”
Nobody knows what she means.
“You look like you sell chicken skewers outside the club at 2am.”
Coach Tea punctuates all the jokes bombing with some sad violin music and mercifully the battle has ended. There is some confused isolated laughs throughout and Carlos showed some confidence at least, but as Jason or Randy Sklar summed it up:
“You guys know you can write these jokes ahead of time?”
Incomprehensibly, Kali gets the win when the real winner was the Saudi Prince who showed up after the battle was over.
Joey Gaynor is brought to the stage, and after rambling in his East Coast Italian accent like Bomb Irrera he finally lands a line:
“Let’s get this going because he’s got another show to do in December.”
Steven Alan Green comes out swinging:
“Hang on a second, when I got booked on this you promised me celebrity judges. What the fuck is this?”
“Magic Castle up the road, motherfucker.” – Sean White
Steven Alan Green fires back:
“You gotta wait until the laughs die out from the shit I said before you speak because they won’t hear the set up. I’ll take you on when I’m done with this piece of shit.”
“Take it easy, Grateful soon-to-be Dead.” – Brian Moses
Steven Alan Green claims first joke and delivers:
“Joey Gaynor is what Artie Lange won’t live long enough to look like.”
“Thank you, Steven, coming from a guy that uses an all-beef catheter, that’s alright. Lemme ask you something now: are you gonna eat that road kill hanging on your face or just let it dangle there and suffer for a few fuckin’ hours? You look like you’re blowing a chinchilla, for chrissake.”
“Actually, it was your grandmother’s merkin when I was eatin’ her pussy last night.”
Joey brings a great attitude and energy to the stage, which builds to Green’s quick counterpunch, and the crowd shows appreciation for their fighting spirit. I had to Google what a merkin is. It’s a pubic wig worn by prostitutes, but I don’t why he chose Joey’s grandmother who is almost certainly dead. They yell over each other a bit before Joey gets his next joke out.
“In New York you were one of the best entertainers I’ve ever seen while waiting for the subway. Ya know, you talk about moms, I know you lost your mom not to long ago. And I know that you probably feel bad because I know that, uh, the breastfeeding is what you miss. And that old bitch sucked his fucking chest till she died!”
“Thank you for your speech.”
After they squabble and things go off the rails a bit before Steven gets his next joke out.
“Joey uh, once met Ron Jeremy and they have a lot in common. They both suck Ron Jeremy’s dick!”
“Steven listen, I know you have your name on the wall out there ’cause you have to keep coming back to paint it back the fuck on.”
“At least when I auditioned for Mitzi I wasn’t fucking her.”
“Well actually, that’s something I was gonna talk about, you don’t fuck anything. Actually you fuck yourself a lot, but actually… Ya know, Steven, I do feel bad having to rip your fuckin’ asshole open, but the truth is I know how bad you feel. Your last girlfriend left you because she was hearing voices of better comics all over the world.”
It seems like the battle loses momentum at this point, presumably because the participants need their nap. Steven defends Joey’s joke about his girlfriend leaving him for better comics.
“Joey, uh, used to know Sam Kinison. And uh, ya know, used to hang out – he used hang with Sam Kinison and they’ll be reunited once Joey hangs himself.”
He stumbles over the delivery a bit, but like Sam Kinison, if it wasn’t for that accident it probably would’ve died quickly anyway. Coach Tea saves the moment by playing the Seinfeld theme and Willie Hunter does his best Kramer walk across the stage. Brian Moses takes that as his cue to stop the battle, but Joey won’t shut up.
He’s then interrupted by Boon Shakalaka in full drag, who comes out yelling “You want me to do this shit!?” Moses shoos Boon from the stage, and Joey still decides to tell another joke:
“Steven Alan Green, you have three names, and so do most murderers. John Wayne Gacy, Mark David Chapman, the difference is they know what it’s like to have killed.”
Instead of letting Steven bomb last, Joey shoehorned in a loose association premise with a hacky punchline. I’d say live and learn, but both these dudes have already lived plenty. Joey continues to ramble some nonsense before we go to the judges.
“You forgot to mention this battle is sponsored to Lipitor.” – One of the Sklars
After being awarded the win, Joey Gaynor passionately calls out Tom Dreesen to “settle forty years of shit.” He drops the mic and is quickly resuscitated by the medical staff that was standing by for the battle.
With Jeff Ross having recently arrived on the judge’s dais, Ernie Stone and Micah Bleich are called to the stage to wage war. Ernie kicks things off:
“Bleich is Micah’s last name, it’s also a description of his body type.”
“Ernie wants to quit his day job as a tennis coach. Shocker, a Jew complaining as he returns service.”
“Micah’s dating life is consistent with Trump’s foreign policy: he mostly fucks the Chinese.”
“Speaking of Trump, Ernie has actually been compared to Trump. I don’t see it though, like sure he’s conservative and he’s racist, but Trump is funny.”
“Micah doesn’t know much about the Thai cave rescue, but he’s turned on by the sound of it.”
“Ernie recently became a real estate agent. It’s exactly like his comedy career: bringing 2-5 friends watch him play to an empty house.”
It’s a good clean fight, especially compared to the one that preceded it.
The judges ask to see one more joke, so we go into sudden death. Micah goes first this time:
“Ernie doesn’t work for ICE, but his wife is Korean so he has ruined one immigrant’s chance at happiness.”
“Micah’s wife is a pastry chef, which explains why he’s so doughy.”
Both battlers put on good performances, but in the end, Micah takes the matchup. He’s now 3-0 and a prime candidate for the Top 50 Power Rankings.
We close out with a main event between Paige Wesley and Zach Stein.
“Paige is a babe. And no, don’t mean like the pig, ok? Like the fat sweaty baseball player.”
“Ya know, Zach didn’t use his crutches to get up here tonight because he figured he could just lean on fat jokes.”
“Paige is obsessed with sex cults and why not? You look like a cult leader’s 18th wife.”
“Zach is a recovering alcoholic, he broke his foot tumbling down all 12 steps.”
“That is true, but Paige also used to drink a lot of alcohol, then she found out you can put it in Jello.”
“Zach, you look like you jerk off to your own baby pictures.”
“Only when I’m in a hurry. Did you know that if you close your eyes, you can tell Paige is fat with one of your other four senses?”
“If you can’t tell by the tone of voice, Zach is Jewish, you can’t tell by looking at him, just by how long he’s been hiding in the closet.”
“Paige’s boyfriend is a big strong lumberjack. I don’t know his job, but that’s just what he tells himself before he eats her pussy.”
“Zach, I know you’re hoping to get on Roast Battle: Season Three, but after this battle your foot’s the only thing getting cast.”
“Now that was a battle, my friend. I’m giving it two towers down. You have high fructose corn syrup going up against the child of the corn because it’s gluten free. As much as I enjoyed the Macy’s Day Parade float of Sarah Huckabee Sanders… I was blown away by Christian Slater’s lesbian daughter.”
These two turn in a fantastic battle. Zach has one major misstep with his second joke, while Paige hits consistently throughout. However, Zach’s reactions were bigger joke-for-joke, so it’s a tight contest. The judges ask to see another joke, so Paige takes us into overtime:
“Zach looks like he should stay five hundred feet away from a school his face is still attending.”
“Paige wrote an erotic vampire novel. Even her fetishes contain consumption.”
And with another big hit, Zach is the decisive winner. Paige has been consistently funny on this show. She’s had a rough run as far as her record is concerned lately, but she remains one of the smartest, fiercest competitors in the game. Zach Stein has been on fucking fire lately. He racks up another well-deserved win.
Moses isn’t quite with the judges. He confronts The Sklar Brothers, asking if they’re going to battle each other on Comedy Central for Season Three. After some hesitation, they agree to do it for the love of the show. We’re off for a couple weeks to make some television. We’ll see you back in the Belly Room and on Comedy Central July 31st.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.