After a long night of standup, the crowd is bloodthirsty. Boon Shok-A-Lok-A is nowhere to be found, but the show rolls right along anyway as Moses introduces this week’s firing squad: The Sklar Brothers, Rich Vos, and Jeff Ross. After cracking on Autistic Thunder’s autistic titties for a minute, we get into our first battle of the evening.
Rick Cisario comes to the stage with all the neurotic energy of a young, pre-sexual abuse allegation Woody Allen. His opponent, Kellen Schneider, follows, looking like he teaches the surfing merit badge at Hitler Youth summer camp. Rick opts to go first.
“I think you can see that Kellen gives off distinct Kurt Cobain vibes. He’s got the hair, he’s got the debilitating depression. But truth be told, he’s way more Courtney Love in that he hangs out around more talented people and makes us want to blow our brains out.”
“Bro, you have epilepsy. You’re closer to being a vegetable than actually eating one.”
“I do have epilepsy, which is when my brain gets overstimulated. But Kellen is so boring he might actually cure me. So that’s good.”
The rebuttal makes the crowd goes wild. Rick is proving himself to be a natural.
“I don’t know if you know this about Kellen, but he’s very popular on the internet. But he’s popular exclusively with preteen girls. He’s really a postmodern pedophile. Kellen, buddy, you’re supposed to be 40 before you try and fuck girls half your age.”
Rick gets the beginnings of an applause break, but decides to plow through the praise instead with another tag.
“If Snapchatting preteens is wrong, then Kellen needs a lawyer.”
PROTIP: stepping on your own laughs during Roast Battle is not a smart move, as Rick proves here. The energy is immediately reset as Kellen tries to dunk on Rick.
“Rick, that joke was so weak a photo of it should be hung up in the Holocaust Museum next to your ancestors. Rick has had a dozen sexual partners, which is crazy, because I didn’t know Make-A-Wish gave out more than one wish per kid.”
“I do have to draw Kellen a map to the clitoris after the mic, so we’ll do that, and then we’ll go. Kellen looks like a jar of mayonnaise got left out at Warped Tour.”
Rick gets another applause break, but once again decides to just tag his joke up instead of letting it lie.
“I wish Kellen had been able to meet Hitler, because maybe Hitler would have said ‘okay, let’s pump the brakes, we aren’t the master race.'”
Fortunately for Rick, this time the tag amplifies the audience’s response instead of putting a damper on it. Kellen, smiling and nodding like an extra in a Bill and Ted movie, takes one more swing once the laughter dies down.
“Guys, to bring it down, four years ago Rick got assaulted randomly by a Mexican man on the street and beaten within an inch of his life. I know, it’s sad. It means they really are coming into this country to take my job.”
A strong first outing! Congrats, guys. The judges offer up praise and some ribbing.
“I liked Jay and Shetland Bob.” – Jason Sklar
“Rick looks like he lives under a Jewish accountant’s sink.” – Randy Sklar
“Low-budget Prince Valiant was good too!” – Rich Vos
“I feel like these guys are the first guys at the bottom of the stairs in the Apple Store.” – Jeff Ross
The crowd ultimately votes for Rick, though we all hope these two come back for more verbal violence in the future.
Up next, comedy veteran Maronzio Vance takes on comedy nobody Brendan Krick. Moses introduces Maronzio and openly wonders why he’s here doing this show.
“This is a terrible idea.” – Maronzio Vance
“Do you know him? Brendan?” – Moses
“Look man… it’s hard to talk about somebody that ain’t done nothin’. ” – Maronzio Vance
Brendan comes to the stage, looking almost exactly like Rick. The judges can’t resist.
“This stage looks like the court-appointed attorney just showed up.” – Jeff Ross
“This looks like landlord versus tenant.” – Rich Vos
Moses goads Brendan into going first. Coach Tea rings the starting bell, and we get right into it.
“Maronzio has a lot of TV credits compared to me. He’s always being stopped by his fans, the police.”
“I researched Brendan online, and he has a podcast called Coward Hour, where basically he talks about how he’s afraid of getting kidnapped in a bathroom. That’s all I got. You’re a little motherfucker.”
“I’m a very small man, it’s true ladies and gentlemen. Maronzio’s last job before he was a comedian was working at a DVD company, which makes sense since he looks like a straight-to-DVD Jussie Smollett.”
“Brian asked me why did I do this. I didn’t know, cuz I had to research him, but I’m glad I met Brendan because I know what transgender Fred Savage looks like.”
“I wish I was trans. I would have as many credits as Maronzio. A lot of people don’t know this about Maronzio, but he hosts the black version of “What The Fuck With Marc Maron”. It’s called “Da Fuck? With Maronzio Vance.” Or Marc Maronzio… fuck!”
After a strong showing so far, Brendan falters in the home stretch. But he’s quick on his feet…
“Anyway, I wish I was trans.”
…and wins the crowd back over with no trouble. Maronzio fires off his last joke.
“You have to admit, it’s hard to dislike this guy. I mean, look at him, you know what I mean? He looks like a nice guy. He’s like the type of guy that’ll hold your dick for you while you pee.”
Maronzio’s laid-back delivery works for the audience, but not for the judges.
“You have too much confidence for a guy wearing low-tops.” – Rich Vos
“Brendan looks like he would hire Maronzio to fuck his girlfriend… and then that would be another credit for Maronzio.” – Jason Sklar
“Give him a break, he just revealed he was raped by Paul Mooney.” – Jeff Ross
Ultimately, Brendan wins the audience vote, putting him at a solid 2-0 record and cementing his status as a rising battle star. Maronzio, we hope you come back to battle against someone you actually know this time.
Next up, Austin Nasso takes on Salvatore Frattallone in a battle between two mediocre mid-twenties white guys. The intros show a little promise, but that promise fades quickly. Austin takes the first swing:
“Thanks for being here My Cousin Double Chinny. Dude, you look like when you were 18, you confronted your dad and you were like ‘I can’t make calzones for the rest of my life. I wanna sing, I wanna date rape!'”
“Austin works for Microsoft, guys, which is also what his girlfriend calls his penis.”
“That’s so hack, dude… that’s so hack, dude… you can tell Sal’s not in the mob because no one would ever want to hit on him.”
“Austin does impressions, guys. Look. Right now, he’s doing an impression of a girl… fuck.”
Salvatore fucks up his joke to silence. The crowd is too underwhelmed at this point to even jump on his flub.
“I’ll just do the second version. Austin does impressions, guys. Look, right now he’s doing a flawless impression of an autistic faggot.”
Autistic Thunder yells “YEAH!”, making him the only person in the crowd to react to Salvatore’s second try. Moses calling for last joke feels like a relief.
“Thanks, you bully at a theater camp. Bro, you literally just look like a penguin on Instagram. That’s literally what you look like…”
As Austin flounders, the crowd begins to murmur. They know they deserve better. Austin, clearly frustrated, checks his hand and tries to make out whatever premise is written on there next.
“Sal’s dream is actually to get passed at the Comedy Store. But he just settles for passed out freshmen.”
“This is like my neighbors battling.” – Rich Vos
“Austin’s Jewish, guys. Which means his ancestors are more fried than the new Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich.”
Topical! Jeremiah emerges from the wave eating a gigantic chicken leg, the only saving grace of this battle.
“Keep it going for these two school shooters.” – Moses
“Sal forgot his joke, and I wish Austin would have forgotten his jokes.” – Randy Sklar
“I feel like I just watched two roommates argue over who’s going to take out the garbage.” – Jeff Ross
“The garbage being your jokes.” – Randy Sklar
Jeff passes the mic to Nicole Becannon, Roast Battle queen and current writer on the Roast of Alec Baldwin.
“I went to college with Austin, we’re friends. Y’know, we went different ways. I became a good comedian…” – Nicole Becannon
The crowd erupts. Jeremiah keeps munching down on that chicken leg.
“Everybody knows this Roast Battle thing is fuckin’ hard, and I hope you guys try again. Not here, but somewhere else.” – Jeff Ross
Moses calls for a vote. Austin and Salvatore can’t move the needle for these people, so the crowd, ready to move on from bland white meat, votes for the chicken leg.
Our final two battlers of the night take the stage: Kim McVicar and the recently-single Cole Alexander. They don’t have great excuses to battle each other…
“Like most bad decisions, I said yes before really thinking about it.” – Kim McVicar
“I was drunk and I guess I challenged her.” – Cole Alexander
…but everyone seems to be in good spirits. Cole opts to take the first swing, and we’re off to the races.
“Kim was a background dancer for many rappers. It was perfect, because she breaks into dance every time she hears the N-word.”
“You didn’t say it, so I’m not gonna dance. Cole used to date a post-op trans woman. Which is great, because he got to fuck a two-year-old pussy without having to bury the baby.”
“Can we vote?” – Jeff Ross
Cole’s joke flatlines, but Kim’s rebuttal and follow-up absolutely destroy. Laughter, cheering, sustained applause, the whole nine yards. Cole composes himself and tries again.
“Kim’s the reason R. Kelly stopped fucking grown women.”
Another dud. But Cole, unlike some of the other white dudes who’ve battled tonight, is self-aware.
“Oh, yeah, it’s hittin’ tonight baby! Kim is married. And she’s the one who wears the pants in the relationship to hide her cellulite.”
“So does every woman over 30 in here. Cole’s sister is getting her PhD in cancer research. Which is very ironic, because when Cole has sex with someone, they die slowly from the inside.”
Cole stands stoic, playing a timer on his phone.
“There goes Kim’s biological clock, everyone.”
“Bitch, you old!” – Jamar Neighbors
“Kim once went nine days without drinking for a nose surgery to fix her breathing. And then she also drank straight for nine months in order to end someone else’s breathing.”
Cole shrugs as the crowd groans.
“Not wordy enough.” – Rich Vos
“It’s true, this is a post-op nose. Do you wanna fuck it now?”
The room goes fucking bananas. Someone starts chanting “FUCK THAT NOSE!” to Kim’s protests.
“It’s two weeks old, everybody! I can’t handle it. Cole looks like the kind of guy who would vote against gay marriage, but he also looks like the kind of guy who would give a blowjob behind Chick-Fil-A.”
Kim’s jokes are well-crafted, well-paced, and the perfect amount of mean for Roast Battle. It’s obvious before the judges say anything that she is the victor.
“Cole, you’re used to being with trannies. How does it feel to get fucked by a real woman?” – Jason Sklar
“I think it was kinda close, I would like to hear one more joke.” – Jeff Ross
After a failed attempt to discover one final joke to pull out of the arsenal, and Moses doing some long-distance hitting on Cole’s ex-girlfriend, Kim takes the audience vote in a walk. What a night! What a way to end August! Hope we see more of these bright young battle stars soon.