The room is absolutely electric, reminiscent of the days before the tv show when the room was packed to the gills with underground excitement. The announcement of Roast Battle’s global takeover combined with four impending blowout battles has caused this crowd to be rabid with excitement. They are foaming at the mouth as the judges take their seats. We have Harrison Greenbaum, Kim Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe (and his mom), Ramon Rivas II, and Jeff Ross. In a surprise treat for the audience, the big daddy of Roast Battle Earl Skakel has reclaimed his throne in the corner as the house hater. There isn’t a dry seat in the house as Moses calls the first battle to the stage: Guam Felix versus Mia Mars.
Mia Mars enters to the Addams Family theme song, and Guam attempts a pre-battle joke that falls flat…
“This looks like an episode of Game of Thrones.”
…probably because it’s been said by the Saudi Prince nearly every week about some battle. Mia starts the night out:
“Guam, now that you’ve replaced sex with food, you can’t even get into your own pants.”
“Mia got kicked out of Best Buy because she kept crawling out of the TV’s.”
“That’s not a ponytail, you’re growing your own noose.”
“Thank you Blair Witch Science Project.”
“You’re welcome, kid from Up.”
“Mia is a great roommate. You can never hear her because she lives underneath the stairs!”
“At least I can afford the stairs. At the end of the day Guam, I do really admire you. When I think about all the comedians I aspire to, you’re right there…checking their IDs.”
“Everytime I’m constipated, I look at a picture of Mia and it scares the shit out of me!”
Mia’s first joke falls pretty flat, whereas Guam’s opener lights the room on fire. Yet, he’s unable to maintain the momentum of his first joke. Mia’s comebacks and the ID joke solidify her the win in this first battle of the night. It’s an amazing start to what will go down as one of the best nights in the belly room in recent memory.
With that explosive battle, the undercards of the night are over and we are ready for some all-star battles. First up in the main events are Alex Hooper and Rachel Mac. Rachel enters the stage looking the part of the school teacher she is, and Alex joins her in his signature rave attire. Tonight he’s wearing a feathered duster paired with his circumcision-showing leggings. I love Roast Battle, where we comment on the men’s attire as much as the women’s. After some pre-battle ribbing, Alex volunteers to start this 5-joke round.
“Everyone give it for one of my favorite comics, the hilarious Rachel Mac. Rachel has five siblings but she is the oldest…looking person I’ve ever seen.”
“Alex has had some cool opportunities in comedy, which is actually easy to do when people assume you have a disability.”
“Thank you, dustball who made a wish to become a grandmother. Rachel uses an eggbeater as a cooking utensil, a hairbrush and a contraceptive.”
“Alex got his pugs when they were born, so they’ve been trained to think that’s what a normal human looks like.”
“Thank you, girl next door in a Tim Burton film. Its actually illegal to brush Rachel’s hair because bird sanctuaries are protected by the federal government.”
“Alex, you look like a black guy doing whiteface.”
“Rachel hails from Wisconsin and is always fighting a yeast infection. Her last name is Mac because she’s already full of cheese.”
“Alex is a really good guy, he reads to blind kids by letting them run their fingers all over his face.”
“Rachel lost her virginity to an open mic host. He didn’t make her put her name in the bucket but he did make her wear it over her head.”
“Alex sells tickets at Universal, which is better than his last job where he rang the bells at Notre Dame.”
Alex started out strong, but Rachel gained momentum as the battle continued. At first, it looked like Alex would take it, but Rachel’s normal human and white face jokes pulled her into the lead. Alex’s yeast infection joke is a little too gross for the audience, and causes him to fall behind, and Rachel’s Notre Dame joke solidifies her win. The judges deliberate, agreeing that it was pretty evenly matched, but eventually giving the slight edge to Rachel.
After this battle, Jeff briefly introduces an Instagram model sitting in the VIP section and asks her to roast him, she replies with “I’m just curious Jeff, are you able to kiss your own asshole yet?” The joke is followed by boos, which seem to fuel her, and she gets the great idea to rap. After what can only be described as a nursery school slam poetry verse, she is subjected to a chorus of boos, assertions from the Wave that her and Jeff had better be having sex, and a line from Tony’s mom that serves as the killing blow. It all shows why some women should be seen and not heard. (Calm down, I’m a woman, I can say that.)
After that awfulness, the audience is begging for the next main event. Leah Kayajanian and Alex Duong and join the stage to the delight of a very rowdy crowd. Leah volunteers to go first and the blood-thirsty crowd is ready.
“Alex co-hosts a podcast called 12 Questions. Hey, I got a question. Where are your eyeballs?”
“Wow. That joke was so flat you must’ve wrote it on your chest. Leah, how do you look like the only victim of cat calling and bird calling?”
“Dude, you got a square yellow head. You look like the foreman on a Lego construction site.”
“Your hair is rattier than the broom they used to clean up your people’s genocide.”
“Thank you, Peking Duck Lips.”
“You’re welcome, Toucan Pam.”
“Alex is getting married in August and cheated on in, I guess, like, March?”
“Speaking of relationships, Leah, your parents are divorced and your last boyfriend abandoned you. I may be Asian but zero people have loved you long time.”
“Alex plays right field on my softball team, and he’s terrible. I mean, I don’t even think two Duongs could make a right.”
“Thank you, Janeane Garofa-nose. Leah’s autistic brother blew his head off. And I feel for you because he’s the only Kayajanian that’ll ever shoot a special.”
“Alex went to the barber and said, ‘give me the Saigon execution photo.’”
“You look like your favorite sex position is anything that leads to arm wrestling.”
Leah’s first joke falls flat and Alex takes an early lead by slamming her failure and topping it with a great joke. Leah’s second joke doesn’t earn the reaction it deserves, but she gains back some of the momentum she lost in the beginning. Alex’s “love you long time” joke destroys and prompts a “love you long time” chant from the audience lead by chant master Josh Meyerowitz. Leah’s Saigon execution photo joke does well but may have been a bit too smart for this crowd. After Alex’s “special” joke, it’s pretty clear he’s going to take this battle. The judges vote and declare it a phenomenal battle, while giving Alex the slight edge. Alex Duong takes a win against former champ Leah Kayajanian.
The crowd is rabid, they can barely sit in their seats as they wait for the final main event and only 3-rounder featuring Nicole Becannon and Jamar Neighbors. Jamar enters with his typical showmanship, holding an ACTUAL WORKING CHAINSAW and wearing an A-team style jumpsuit/wig combo. Everyone in the room is on the edge of their seat waiting for this battle to begin. The judges give short input, not wanting to delay the fun any longer. Nicole goes first.
“Jamar was in an orphanage called 5 Acres, so he got shorted 35 acres and a mom.”
“Nicole has a good boyfriend. After he’s done doing heroin, he lets her lick the spoon.”
“Jamar’s the kinda guy that would invite you to fuck him on his tour bus, which is actually just the LA city bus.”
“Nicole is 37 years old. Nah I’m kidding, ya’ll believed me though didn’t you?!”
“Jamar may seem dumb, but he’s not slow. His brain is just on colored people time.”
“Nicole is so desperate, she saw me rape a bitch and said, ‘oooh, me too! Me too!’”
Jamar is visibly shaken after Nicole’s first joke, surprised at her in-depth research and knowledge of his orphanage name. Jamar’s first joke falls a little flat, but the 37 years old joke brings the entire room to their feet. Nicole has more consistent jokes, but Jamar had the heavier hitters. The rape joke was one of the boldest jokes we’ve heard, flawlessly self-deprecating while hitting Nicole harder. This is an absolutely FLAWLESS first round, so good that the judges refuse to call a winner, and it’s a draw. Jamar starts the second round.
“Nicole took a 23 & Me test, turns out she’s 2% European and 98% trash bag juice.
“I wouldn’t stick my finger in that pussy if it had the keys to my little brother’s jail cell in that mother fucker.”
“Bitch, you look like a grand theft auto hooker.”
“Jamar was molested, so I think it’s safe to say the third grade was the hardest four years of his life.
“I’m not saying Jamar was destined to be a comic, but at the early age of 6 someone Def Jammed a dick in his mouth.”
“Look it’s not cool Jamar got molested, but in the guy’s defense, with that gap in his teeth, his mouth looks like a glory hole.”
At first, it seems like Jamar is going to take this, but Nicole’s second joke is an absolute haymaker and brings the room to its feet yet again, giving her the slight edge. Nicole takes the second round, giving her the lead heading into the third round. Before the third round can start, as if this audience couldn’t get any hotter, Dave Chappelle joins the VIP section.
It’s absolutely wild in the Belly Room, the energy is palpable. We head into the third round with the crowd as rowdy as ever. Jeff has Jamar go first.
“Nicole wants to be the best working female comic today, she already has a good start, she already has Tig Notaro’s titties.”
“Yeah Jamar grew up in the hood but he’s such a bitch he couldn’t get jumped into Kool & The Gang.”
“Nicole’s from Huntington Beach, or at least that’s the shore that she washed up on.”
“Somehow you’re so hot and so ugly at the same time. You’re like Idris Elba if his face was as weird as his name.”
“Nicole, you’re fat, white and insecure, shut up before I make you suck my dick like I just know I can.”
“Jamar’s head is so shiny, his mom tried to pawn it for crack.”
It seems pretty evenly matched at first, but Jamar’s dick sucking joke gives him a slight edge, and Nicole delivers her last joke defeated, making it fall flat. In the weakest round of the battle, which is still a great round, Jamar is named the winner, and we are headed into OT.
“People see Jamar as this, like, retarded genius, but I don’t buy it. You’re not an oxymoron, you’re just a regular moron.”
“I thought ugly bitches was supposed to be the funny ones? Nicole look like whether you put it in her ass, mouth, or pussy, you leavin’ the crib with doo-doo on your dick.”
Nicole’s final joke falls on deaf ears, while Jamar’s super silly final joke wins him the match. Self-deprecation rarely works in the roast battle ring, but tonight Jamar mastered the form, becoming Los Angeles’s new champion and ending Nicole’s winning streak. This will go down as one of the best battles in history, and one of the best nights in the belly room. The Comedy Store was so alive following that battle, much of the audience and judges were still around buzzing well after closing. Tonight was a perfect example of why Roast Battle is a global and cultural phenomenon. When it’s good, it’s fucking good.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.